Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Weaning woes

I've had a hard time writing this post because I am floating down the river of denial.

We are nearing the end of our "breastfeeding relationship". In fact, I did the lactational walk-of-shame to our local drugstore to pick up my handy failure-in-a-can (now with extra vitamin G for guilt) this week (on sale! 3 dollars off!) and L will be trying it at daycare for the first time today at 10.5 months old.

Honestly I've been slowly getting over the formula "issues" as my supply and then my freezer stash dwindled these past few months. I'm just not ready to stop nursing. Despite (or maybe because of?) my early struggles, I really fell into the rhythm of nursing L. Even with the recent distraction and the biting (ouch!), I am in no way ready to let go. I'm still pumping despite practically non-existent yields so that I can keep up some semblance of a supply to justify nursing him at home a couple of times a day.

Some of it is clearly emotional. My baaaYYYYBEEE is growing up, I may never have another, etc...

Some of it is logistical. What excuse will I now have to escape to the basement for 20 minutes several times during the weekend and just SIT in QUIET. Also what the hell do I do with L at 5 AM every morning when he wakes up? Now we just bring him into bed to nurse, and I get to lie down for at least 20 more minutes (and if we are REALLY lucky, like yesterday, he fell sleep nursing until 6:30!!!) I can't handle having to get out of bed and give him a bottle. ugh.

L? He's pretty much over it. He nurses pretty well before bed and in the morning. Maybe before naps on the weekends, but he's easily bored & ready to move on.  His bottles are also coming home mostly untouched...he waited til 7.5 months to take to solids and he's not looking back. He eats more than B does at meals these days (though toddlers produce ATP every time they say "NO!" so they don't need food as an energy source)

I try not to think about it. G packed up the formula and took it directly to daycare. I refused to mix it up ahead of time. I keep attaching the pump to myself 3 times a day, and dutifully bring home the total 1oz I eke out at the end of the day.

I never thought I'd make it this far, but now I wish it were further....

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Bowl Full of Mush

My brain, that is. Here's some of the jumble....

L is not sleeping anymore. It started 3 weeks ago, after explaining to a friend how well he's been sleeping for the past five months. Yes, I believe I jinxed it. He's a little night time monster. But damn that baby is irresistible during the day.  Such a fantastic age, 6-12 months. Pure joy at being alive. He wants to eat EVERYTHING and does so with gusto. He is so proud of all his new, daily growing skillz, like eating, cruising, clapping & blowing raspberries. He shrieks, jumps, claps in sheer delight of anything, nothing, everything. If only I could bottle that & save it forever.

B is two and a half. He is 50% sunshine, 50% black clouds. You never know what you're going to get. Its a difficult age. He is very sensitive & has such strong feelings. He has been crying & withdrawn sometimes at daycare lately. Yet he comes home jumping and singing. He was, is, and will likely always be a challenge to parent. He asks "Why?" constantly, repeatedly & sometimes it makes me laugh & sometimes it breaks my heart. "Why do you have to go to work mommy?" "Why????"

We've been trying to do a lot together as a family this summer, and its been good...but we both feel isolated a lot. One of the best days we had was when some friends came over for dinner & we wrangled our combined 5 under-three-year-old boys together. I think we were meant to do this in a community, not shut off in our little houses by ourselves. I wish we had more neighborhood friends. The drop-in, spur-of-the-moment, spend-an-afternoon-together kind, not the plan 3 months in advance to meet for a one-hour brunch kind.I remember my childhood being spent in the company of my parents' friends & their families...I think my children are going to remember a different kind of life.

I'm tired. And its not just the sleep. Or maybe it is...and the sleeplessness is permeating everything else, too? When we're tired, G & I talk less, its back to survival mode, where I go up to bed as soon as the chores are done, even though I know I won't be able to sleep for a couple of hours. I just don't want to do anything.

Sometimes I wonder if I am capable of being truly happy. The constant thinking, analyzing, worrying, planning going on in my brain are a bit of a buzz-kill. When things are good, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. When things are bad, well...sometimes I feel more comfortable in that scenario, as there is nowhere to go but up?