tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post5330525773614441581..comments2023-11-03T08:13:04.072-04:00Comments on anabegins: Changing My MindAnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00006807775816627217noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-77121495231939009492015-08-10T15:17:38.208-04:002015-08-10T15:17:38.208-04:00I imagine that many of the husbands mentioned abov...I imagine that many of the husbands mentioned above have guys that they connect with at work. I'm really lucky that even though I'm in a male-dominated field, I have colleagues at work that I'm able to connect with. I don't have to worry about the isolation of being one of the only women in the dept because there are a number of us hired around the same time. No advice there, just an observation and another example of the patriarchy making things difficult for women in male-dominated fields.nicoleandmaggiehttp://nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-69645914520606717302015-08-10T15:16:31.437-04:002015-08-10T15:16:31.437-04:00Exactly this. I'm not ready to give up hope, i...Exactly this. I'm not ready to give up hope, its never too late! And yes, I get saturated by "people" in general pretty quickly and need to decompress at the end of the day. its something I'm used to and I understand it now and can make sure I make time for it.Anahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00006807775816627217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-29560812918151700492015-08-10T12:04:31.938-04:002015-08-10T12:04:31.938-04:00I think there is a difference between the "ta...<i>I think there is a difference between the "talking to adults" that you do at birthday parties and what it is that I'm really looking for, because I can do without that, too.</i><br /><br />Exactly. I think this is what DH and I want, too. Only he has given up on it and I am still clinging to the idea that I will develop some decent friendships locally. The endless small talk I could do without, although I view it as inescapable and DH prefers to escape it. <br /><br />Re N&M's comment on being saturated with people: I am too when I have a lot of face time, and need time to decompress. But for instance DH can spend days not seeing anyone at work and still does not want to or need to be with anyone outside of work. (Sometimes I joke that I don't know why he was given the gift of speech.) He never had many friends as a young person either. I did, and threw parties, and went clubbing. I am getting more introverted (and let's face it, just old and lazy) with age, but I guess he was always introverted (although not shy) and just getting more so...xykademiqzhttp://xykademiqz.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-26367273839751246852015-08-10T11:38:43.185-04:002015-08-10T11:38:43.185-04:00Like above, I think students (or patients) are one...Like above, I think students (or patients) are one thing---and I get needing time to decompress from all that interaction by the end of the day. But students are NOT a substitute for real conversation/support/connection which is what I need friends for! I think there is a difference between the "talking to adults" that you do at birthday parties and what it is that I'm really looking for, because I can do without that, too. Anahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00006807775816627217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-28237431397696621122015-08-10T11:36:55.908-04:002015-08-10T11:36:55.908-04:00I'll need an entire post to get into my though...I'll need an entire post to get into my thoughts on these antisocial husbands but I SOOOO don't get the family-connections-are-enough mindset. Maybe its my family, but I don't talk to my family about all my issues & feelings and whatnot. I guess the family can be enough for "socializing", like dinners together, hanging out at the park or pool, but I guess I need real connections---someone to talk to, commiserate with, get support from. This may very well be one of the few true gender differences, because it seems almost universal.Anahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00006807775816627217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-57605203565087756402015-08-08T15:53:10.112-04:002015-08-08T15:53:10.112-04:00re: needing people, I think in addition to the int...re: needing people, I think in addition to the introverted/extraverted spectrum, there's also an overlay of how many people you hang out with at work and what kind of interactions you have with them. <br /><br />My work is very people intensive during the school year (so... many... students...) and I consider a lot of my colleagues to be friends. So during the school year I'm a lot like the husbands being mentioned, especially since DC2 was born and there's less alone-time at home for me.<br /><br />Since he started working from home, my husband has started needed a lot more interaction with adults during his free time. He does this by joining gaming groups and occasionally hosting board-game nights. Also we no longer switch off on doing the birthday party circuit-- he is he default for that now.nicoleandmaggiehttp://nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-83737388807647637352015-08-08T14:59:45.293-04:002015-08-08T14:59:45.293-04:00Josh actually has said "I don't need peop...Josh actually has said "I don't need people." Ummmm what?! He was really trying to say he was happy with family comnections and didn't feel compelled to expand outside of that, but yeah. I need people.sarah (SHU)https://www.blogger.com/profile/09785177204149427781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-472510131222899552015-08-08T13:59:40.893-04:002015-08-08T13:59:40.893-04:00Xyz & naomi, just wanted to say I'm right ...Xyz & naomi, just wanted to say I'm right there with you via a vis wanting more close friends but a) not having the time myself, and b) not having a husband who wants this at all. It's so hard! I think maybe when I'm done with my training I will have to muster the energy to go forth and make a social life without him, but right now I have no time or energy to do so. Fortunately residency is a bit of a built in social life, but there are very real limits to the solidarity it can provide.OMDGhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17937425894428802591noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-44689691598878328632015-08-08T13:39:29.701-04:002015-08-08T13:39:29.701-04:00One thing that was fun for a while until DC1 hit t...One thing that was fun for a while until DC1 hit this "I can't make any decisions" stage was letting him do all the menu planning. We gave him a pile of cookbooks (this one was a favorite: http://amzn.to/1ItBrRP ) and let him pick stuff out. It made *everybody* happy.nicoleandmaggiehttp://nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-91883799235330008112015-08-08T13:01:37.452-04:002015-08-08T13:01:37.452-04:00yeah, the lack of that kind of community is defini...yeah, the lack of that kind of community is definitely a lack in my life-. I just assumed the community would suddenly appear once I had the kids & house---everyone talks about making all these lifelong friends when they had babies---I never experienced that. Maybe its my fault for not doing whatever it is I need to do to build those relationships? I have a whole post about that I'm trying to finish, too. I did take the first step, and asked a friend over for wine tonight---but she declined. Anahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00006807775816627217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-43430675102720408032015-08-08T12:58:00.673-04:002015-08-08T12:58:00.673-04:00whoa, both you and noemi have an antisocial spouse...whoa, both you and noemi have an antisocial spouse! I'm an introvert myself, but I figure if G invited people over and the kids were fed & entertained when I got home, I would feel perfectly fine retreating to the basement with the ipad if I wasn't feeling social! I get not liking small talk and the getting-to-know-you phase, but having close friends is SO important to me. I guess I'm lucky that my husband agrees (though he's also averse to actually going to the trouble of MEETING people, ironic since he's better at small talk/joking around than I am). Anahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00006807775816627217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-50487817041034172472015-08-08T12:55:11.015-04:002015-08-08T12:55:11.015-04:00my kids are not adventurous enough to try that. th...my kids are not adventurous enough to try that. they are actually not terrible eaters---way better than some kids---but they have their list of things they eat and are weary of new things. Maybe in a few years, I've always wanted to do that. Anahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00006807775816627217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-75514589286297628282015-08-07T23:45:56.280-04:002015-08-07T23:45:56.280-04:00I've had a post brewing for a while now about ...I've had a post brewing for a while now about how the one thing I really want in life is a sense of community, feeling like I belong to a group (it could be a very small group) of people who know me in a profound way and are the friends that I default hang out with on a regular basis. I want that person who I just text and she is over with her kids and we are preparing some easy meal on the fly for the littles to eat while we sip margaritas (instead of spending over a week to make plans for us to go to the zoo together, only to get there and realize we can't talk because our kids are being clingy and obnoxious). I want that more than anything. I'd give up pretty much everything (my job, our house in the city, all our amenities) for that.<br /><br />The problem is that not only is my husband not interested in that fantasy, he would actively dislike it. It's kind of like his nightmare. All he wants to do when he comes home is disappear behind his iPad, the idea of even having to say hi to someone that isn't me or our kids is agonizing to him after a day of work. So yeah, even if I got lightening strike good luck and met a bestie (who lived near by and had kids the same age as mine and a schedule similar to mine), it probably wouldn't work out so well in my marriage. Ugh. Knowing exactly what I want and that I'm assuredly never going to get it is some depressing shit. That is why I haven't written the post yet--I can't figure out how to give it the "it'll all be okay" ending yet. Maybe in this case, there isn't one. Noemihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12792217151905218101noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-68179237844452639352015-08-07T18:09:30.036-04:002015-08-07T18:09:30.036-04:00I hear you on having no friends. I used to have pe...I hear you on having no friends. I used to have people over all the time when I was growing up and in college. They are all far away. Here, I would like to have more friends but having people over as a family is a lot of work and my DH is very antisocial. I have colleagues with whom I hang out at work and go to lunch, but the home visits haven't taken. DH doesn't want to endure the shallow small talk part of social relationships and doesn't see the point in going through it over and over in order to find one or no people he actually likes; he told me he's made peace with never making a real new friend again and that's okay with him. (Everything is complicated by our foreign-born status.) I understand what he means, but I miss people. However, it's hard socializing as a grownup or a family when 1/2 of the family is anti-social and also has super-high criteria for house cleanliness when people are coming over. (What I cannot believe is that he's the same as my father in that respect; my mom always used to bitch about my father never wanting to have anyone over. I suppose we do seek our parents in our partners... Freud would have a blast here.) <br />Anyway, I hear you; having close friends with whom it would be fun to get together at the drop of a hat, now that would be heavenly. Probably not in the cards for us now, or ever again. I do see colleagues for lunch or coffee (on a rare occasion, everyone's busy) and it's fun, and I travel so I get to hang out with people. But DH is really a pariah, or more like really, really introverted, and he doesn't mind the absence of people much. <br /><br />Anyways, people --yes! And finding ways to make the everyday life with kids a bit special. It takes planning that I often have no energy for. Having a draining job and on top of that having to be the cook and social organizer can be a tall order. xykademiqzhttp://xykademiqz.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-36127533785787841212015-08-07T17:34:04.416-04:002015-08-07T17:34:04.416-04:00Those all sound like great ideas!
I love novelty ...Those all sound like great ideas!<br /><br />I love novelty too, especially with food ( https://nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.com/2011/11/15/how-do-you-get-excitement-in-your-life/ ). One of the things we do is go through cookbooks together. Or join a CSA which forces us to try new things. (DC1 is being a pill about both of these things at the moment, so he may be back on menu planning if he doesn't shape up. DC2 hasn't yet hit age 3's hatred of all things green, but I assume she will at some point in the near future.)nicoleandmaggiehttp://nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.com