tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post867826893752232763..comments2023-11-03T08:13:04.072-04:00Comments on anabegins: Start as you mean to go on?Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00006807775816627217noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-46230592220607483872015-08-19T13:26:38.031-04:002015-08-19T13:26:38.031-04:00It does seem that your husband is having very hard...It does seem that your husband is having very hard time with your expectations. From reading your blog, it appears that you should give him more freedom and stop your demands. Just let him be, really, it upsets you both when you insist on "talking" . You may find yourself less clingy and needy if you try anti-depressants just for a short while. Help yourself reach a better place first.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-51622545552689842292014-01-04T13:23:41.065-05:002014-01-04T13:23:41.065-05:00I'm coming to the table a little bit late, and...I'm coming to the table a little bit late, and don't have much to add to what the pp's have said. But I did want to send love and support, and say that we had pretty much the same NYE. And I think we are pretty much the same person- I have issues of my own to work on. I get bored and impatient and take it out on those I love. And I have broken promises a thousand times over, too. Let's hope 2014 offers us both the opportunity to make some changes.Catwoman73http://www.twoadultsonechild.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-27192331560785735552014-01-04T09:59:35.662-05:002014-01-04T09:59:35.662-05:00A little late coming back to this post, but read i...A little late coming back to this post, but read it earlier and wanted to send a little hand squeeze in solidarity. I have no magical words of insight, really, only that I deeply identify with that down-to-the-dregs feeling on those really hard, long days. We have had some of our most intense discussions since Audie's birth, and I have found that I need to pointedly tell N what I need from him. Sometimes it's something as seemingly trivial as, "I need you to answer my texts. When I do not hear back from you, I feel alone and unsupported." (But it's not trivial, because I am texting him when I am feeling overwhelmed or inadequate about parenting and need someone to ground me a little, specifically my partner in parenting.) I feel like I am continually un-training myself to expect him to read my mind. Because even though we have been together for almost half our lives at this point, we seriously do not always understand the other person's needs. So, all that to say that I found a bit pressure valve release by being more explicit in my needs to him (and he to me for his). He has also been open and direct with me in this way, too, and it takes some practice to be direct with each other without hurting feelings, but we're managing pretty well so far. Just my experience... <br /><br />I hope you guys are able to carve out time for yourselves. Sounds like everyone else has some great suggestions/encouragement about child care. Good luck, mama.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-16268639245376803422014-01-03T16:48:06.707-05:002014-01-03T16:48:06.707-05:00I'm so sorry, but like Sarah I felt like you g...I'm so sorry, but like Sarah I felt like you guys got somewhere in the end. I can't remember if you're still doing individual therapy but if you find someone you like, it might just help for yourself and you can tackle the couples' thing together later?<br /><br />In our house, if I want a "big night" or "big day" I need to plan it myself. It is frustrating, but that is just not one of hubby's strengths. (Sort of like i hate doing yardwork and get a pass from him, though it frustrates HIM). Not sure if that works for you guys or if your hubby would bail last-minute even if you did have plans, but just a suggestion that maybe it's worth the hassle to get what you want out of holidays,dates, etc.<br /><br />We found our AMAZING sitter through a free posting board at the career site at our local Christian college. What about a regular sitter time late night during the week either close to or after the kids' bedtimes? Or even on weekends, but late? This would probably help with the kids not feeling like they're "missing out". <br /><br />Anyway, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. One of the John Gottman books might have some concrete suggestions too.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15212690454989568626noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-54400995842379537112014-01-02T20:31:34.159-05:002014-01-02T20:31:34.159-05:00Oh Ana, I'm so sorry the start of the year has...Oh Ana, I'm so sorry the start of the year has been a busy. That fight sounds awful. I'm sorry you both had to go through that. <br /><br />Any advice I would give has been given before and I don't really feel I can give much advice when we are going though the same shit as you two. I swear, I felt like I could have (or maybe already have) written sentences/paragraphs/that whole post myself. So I guess all I can offer is empathy and understanding. Esperanzahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12375150088333673843noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-57874668837638709152014-01-02T18:42:58.230-05:002014-01-02T18:42:58.230-05:00Watching TV together is better than going on socia...Watching TV together is better than going on social media/facebook separately!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-36758791405794338002014-01-02T17:30:13.954-05:002014-01-02T17:30:13.954-05:00I've also had friends with great success with ...I've also had friends with great success with care.com. What's the worst that can happen? <br /><br />Maybe this making the relationship better thing is kind of like quitting smoking. You just have to keep trying until it sticks (and trying and trying and trying). <br /><br />I also wanted to third the sentiment that reading that this happens to other couples is helpful to me as well. Not because I want bad things for other people, but because it makes me feel less alone. <br /><br />Hang in there. I hear you with the husband digging in the heels (oh do I ever), but you just gotta keep working at these things. OMDGhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17937425894428802591noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-19768664598431021432014-01-02T16:45:05.984-05:002014-01-02T16:45:05.984-05:00He's just really against the idea of couples t...He's just really against the idea of couples therapy for some reason. I do plan to broach it again but to give it a few months. I think he's just not into talking about "feelings". He insisted he was happy and had no feelings until the end of the big fight---it took that level of breakdown to get any emotion out of him. Anahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00006807775816627217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-15790270442318814032014-01-02T15:47:39.006-05:002014-01-02T15:47:39.006-05:00just wanted to say i also used care.com. we found...just wanted to say i also used care.com. we found our nanny that way and one babysitter that we love. also found some less amazing (but still safe and ok) ones, too. it's all about interviews AND especially getting real, reliable references. sarah (SHU)https://www.blogger.com/profile/09785177204149427781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-51345073879162951152014-01-02T15:43:42.151-05:002014-01-02T15:43:42.151-05:00you can do a LOT of things all weekend long and st...you can do a LOT of things all weekend long and still fit in a 2-3 hr break for yourself to spend with G. i promise!sarah (SHU)https://www.blogger.com/profile/09785177204149427781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-21309531508483965812014-01-02T15:42:46.229-05:002014-01-02T15:42:46.229-05:00I'm sorry to hear that he is not being helpful...I'm sorry to hear that he is not being helpful. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-10799190403961074402014-01-02T15:41:44.885-05:002014-01-02T15:41:44.885-05:00i tend to peruse rotten tomatoes and pick movies w...i tend to peruse rotten tomatoes and pick movies with high ratings. recently we saw 'the way way back' (liked a lot) and 'before midnight' (3rd in "before sunrise" series - interesting). josh tends to like a much wider variety - he likes action/adventure but i generally HATE them so most of the time he watches those on his own. (fine w me).<br /><br />we usually just get them from OnDemand (through our satellite - we have direct TV b/c cable here is not very good). sarah (SHU)https://www.blogger.com/profile/09785177204149427781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-70516595846794809472014-01-02T15:34:28.022-05:002014-01-02T15:34:28.022-05:00hahahaha! "he can be more in charge..." ...hahahaha! "he can be more in charge..." The only way he said he'd try it again is if I did all the work, met with the person, and was 100% sure it was a good fit, before he goes again. I am having trouble mustering up the energy myself to go through the process. As with everything else, it'd be great if someone could just tell me who to go to...but I don't know anyone that was used someone that is convenient to our work/home. Anahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00006807775816627217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-7124663772527104922014-01-02T15:32:44.841-05:002014-01-02T15:32:44.841-05:00I'm definitely on "my part of town" ...I'm definitely on "my part of town" listserv and I've seen the posts come up, but the few leads I tried didn't work out (they wanted weekdays, etc...)<br />To be honest, while I did toy around with this idea, I'm not really into it for reasons I probably need to work out...maybe because my kids are older? B talks all week about being excited to spend the weekend with us and all the things we will do...it kind of breaks my heart.Anahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00006807775816627217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-10244436323642097812014-01-02T15:29:41.989-05:002014-01-02T15:29:41.989-05:00I don't think I've seen a full length movi...I don't think I've seen a full length movie in one sitting since DC2 was born. I don't have the patience, and neither does she. Sometimes I'll watch stuff with the captions on 4x speed... that makes me feel more virtuous.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-15016101645792945522014-01-02T15:29:00.119-05:002014-01-02T15:29:00.119-05:00See, we tried to set a weekly date night and it ju...See, we tried to set a weekly date night and it just....never happened (sickness, traveling, and then just giving up). Anahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00006807775816627217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-58434295284724143712014-01-02T15:27:46.458-05:002014-01-02T15:27:46.458-05:00Mina, this is EXACTLY the idea I just had---he kee...Mina, this is EXACTLY the idea I just had---he keeps saying he "forgets" that I want us to talk (and I do mean talk, no winks) regularly or that if we want to "talk" (wink) it needs to be started prior to 11pm. So maybe he can just put it on his calendar so he won't "forget". (the quotes are because this makes absolutely no sense to me, yet he claims it to be true---he was SHOUTING it to me at the top of his lungs---so he feels strongly about clinging to "forget")Anahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00006807775816627217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-76947988898868254042014-01-02T15:27:35.226-05:002014-01-02T15:27:35.226-05:00Yeah, that was not a good therapist. Maybe there&...Yeah, that was not a good therapist. Maybe there's some way he can be more in charge of picking a therapist or cutting loose right away with a bad therapist that would make him more comfortable. It really does often take several tries to get a therapist that works well even with just one person, much less a couple. But when it works, it is amazing and worth all the missed steps. (So say both my blogging partner and I.) My blogging partner recommends interviewing therapists before signing up with them, but it helps to know what you want, which one doesn't when one is just starting off. It's a lot like dating or like buying a house.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-55371651767924453422014-01-02T15:23:32.495-05:002014-01-02T15:23:32.495-05:00Thank your for this brave and beautiful post. Like...Thank your for this brave and beautiful post. Like you said in a reply, we need to share these things because we're all going through them, and it's so easy to forget how very common it is. I think of all the things I got from my therapy time, the most valuable was getting me to agree to ask my husband to do a weekly date night for FIVE MONTHS. It really made a difference. Which is not to say ALL IS AWESOME. No. We've totally fallen off the sex wagon again--I blame perpetual sickness, but really it's me being lazy... However, it did wonders for the simmering resentment... It might also help with the movie conundrum. If that's all he wants to do when you're at home and you don't have the same taste, totally a recipe for conflict. I tried care.com for sitters. I signed up and then unsigned up after I found a few. I restricted it to students at my university, just to reduce the number of options, because it was overwhelming. I found some good ones!<br /><br />In any case, assivce aside, keep on doing whatever your gut tells you will work. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-4064600448066729102014-01-02T15:10:47.317-05:002014-01-02T15:10:47.317-05:00Are you a member of the [my part of town] list ser...Are you a member of the [my part of town] list serv? Nannies and babysitters (and people looking for the above) post there all the time. Email me if you're interested.OMDGhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17937425894428802591noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-47387537455026103502014-01-02T15:10:20.670-05:002014-01-02T15:10:20.670-05:00I am looking for a sitter too, but it is soooooo d...I am looking for a sitter too, but it is soooooo difficult, because I do not know where to start, and what to look for. I have to think about that and decide what we want and need, and I am just too spent to do that right now. <br />What my husband and I do is we set two nights a week when we get together and just talk after the children are asleep. Talk is a very comprehensive notion. Wink. But as much as possible, even when we don't feel like (as in I, he is always up for a 'talk'), I make myself not find any excuse to postpone it for another night, and I must say, I never regret that. Spending time with him is great, and then when we cuddle and just talk, is even greater, because it is. It was so awkward in the beginning, I felt weird to set a schedule and you know, keep up with it, but this is how a habit starts, right? Repeating until it get to be a reflex. Especially with time and energy black holes,aka small children, with various degrees of spiritedness, it must be a concious effort in the beginning. But it needs to be an effort from both partners. And one needs to enjoy it, the entire range of the talking comprehensiveness, otherwise it is just a chore. <br /><br />Best of luck, dear friend. I hope things look up soon, and you get what you want out of life.Minahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13148000699685037451noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-73716911240339023492014-01-02T15:00:40.527-05:002014-01-02T15:00:40.527-05:00is it bad that I feel much better knowing that you...is it bad that I feel much better knowing that you guys fight sometimes, too? I don't know about you, but I don't talk to anyone IRL about marriage troubles, so its hard to know what is and isn't "normal". <br />Yes, I need to work on a "movies to see" list...any suggestions? I don't mind watching movies (over one or two nights, depending) but our entire collection is full of stuff that G likes (action/adventure/westerns/thrillers/horror...i.e. NOTHING I would EVER want to watch. so then we end up browsing netflix for something and waste the night away doing that. Anahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00006807775816627217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-41577811083436646642014-01-02T14:57:07.980-05:002014-01-02T14:57:07.980-05:00its this part "when we can find a movie we ac...its this part "when we can find a movie we actually want to watch" that gets us. We have extremely different taste in movies. When we do watch movies lately, we settle for something unoffensive and usually both fall asleep because we've compromised to the point of neither of us enjoying it. I need to make a list of movies I want to see that we can choose from.<br />I'm still looking into #1, haven't found anyone yet. Anahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00006807775816627217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-42532093590245783982014-01-02T14:55:22.013-05:002014-01-02T14:55:22.013-05:00Yeah, I actually love NY resolutions posts (i'...Yeah, I actually love NY resolutions posts (i've got several coming up). <br />I brought up the therapist again with G and he is really really hesitant to go. I see where he is coming from (the therapist basically took my side from the get-go, and it was really awkward even for me)Anahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00006807775816627217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219236556397495909.post-63620800251171740532014-01-02T14:35:51.383-05:002014-01-02T14:35:51.383-05:00I had a meh to that mom-101 post. Even though we ...I had a meh to that mom-101 post. Even though we don't do new year's resolutions (we tend to do beginning of the school year resolutions instead!). I guess enough of her readers hadn't read that sentiment before for it to be novel to them. (My guess is there's one of those NY resolution maverick posts for every 20 regular NY resolutions post, and one post on the science of NY resolutions for every 30-50 resolutions posts. I like the science-y ones. And the regular ones too. :) )<br /><br />Since folks are offering suggestions... My suggestion is to try therapy again, but with a different therapist. It can take several tries to find one that's a good fit. And you do still get something out of each attempt, even if it's just better knowing what you want.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com