Another year, another word

I'm actually having trouble mustering up enthusiasm for goal-setting and planning for the new year. I listened to the Happier podcast about "18 for 2018" and sat down two separate times to try to come up with a list of 18 things I wanted to do this year and I just...couldn't. Everything I keep thinking of is boring and incremental, or I've already resolved to do it year after year and failed to keep it up.

I can't even think of any quarterly or seasonal goals right now. Nothing that is inspiring or new or fun. So I figured I'd at least think of my "one word" for the year. And I did! And then I changed it...about 4 times. I'll bring you along on my navel-gazing journey.

My initial word was "Presence" as a reminder to focus on mindfulness and being fully immersed in whatever I am doing at any given moment, and a reminder to recommit to mediation and limiting technology use. I know I am a better parent when I do this,  and obviously much more productive at work. But it seemed so cliche and almost too high-minded for how I am feeling these days.

The latter half of 2017 kind of, well, sucked. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and stagnating professionally and personally. For the first time in a LONG time I cannot find my usual levels of optimism. I really need to get unstuck in my career and we also need to break out of some negative habits and routines as a family and shake things up because ugh. I've made little/backwards progress on my fitness, spending, etc...

So I picked the word "Forward" because that's where I want to be by 2019---at least one step closer to...something better. But, you know, sometimes things aren't completely under your control and the belief that you can always attain what you want just by working hard and wanting it sounds naive to me right now and the constant push to do MORE and be BETTER is exhausting. .Maybe I need to just be OK with my life as it is.

"Acceptance" seems like a good intention for anytime, right? Change what you can and accept the rest? But am I changing all that I can? Things have been pretty much status quo for years now. Maybe the right move isn't just continuing to trudge down the same old worn path, through ever increasing obstacles when you don't even know if you want to go where that road is taking you.

These are big and scary thoughts for me to even consider. This is going to take some unpacking and sorting out. I'm terrified of change. I do everything in my power to avoid thinking about it.But its time. So I'm vowing to be "OPEN" in 2018. Open to what-ifs, and maybes, and entertaining options. To having conversations about possibilities. Maybe there will be decisions, maybe not. That's not really the point.