I've had a hard time writing this post because I am floating down the river of denial.
We are nearing the end of our "breastfeeding relationship". In fact, I did the lactational walk-of-shame to our local drugstore to pick up my handy failure-in-a-can (now with extra vitamin G for guilt) this week (on sale! 3 dollars off!) and L will be trying it at daycare for the first time today at 10.5 months old.
Honestly I've been slowly getting over the formula "issues" as my supply and then my freezer stash dwindled these past few months. I'm just not ready to stop nursing. Despite (or maybe because of?) my early struggles, I really fell into the rhythm of nursing L. Even with the recent distraction and the biting (ouch!), I am in no way ready to let go. I'm still pumping despite practically non-existent yields so that I can keep up some semblance of a supply to justify nursing him at home a couple of times a day.
Some of it is clearly emotional. My baaaYYYYBEEE is growing up, I may never have another, etc...
Some of it is logistical. What excuse will I now have to escape to the basement for 20 minutes several times during the weekend and just SIT in QUIET. Also what the hell do I do with L at 5 AM every morning when he wakes up? Now we just bring him into bed to nurse, and I get to lie down for at least 20 more minutes (and if we are REALLY lucky, like yesterday, he fell sleep nursing until 6:30!!!) I can't handle having to get out of bed and give him a bottle. ugh.
L? He's pretty much over it. He nurses pretty well before bed and in the morning. Maybe before naps on the weekends, but he's easily bored & ready to move on. His bottles are also coming home mostly untouched...he waited til 7.5 months to take to solids and he's not looking back. He eats more than B does at meals these days (though toddlers produce ATP every time they say "NO!" so they don't need food as an energy source)
I try not to think about it. G packed up the formula and took it directly to daycare. I refused to mix it up ahead of time. I keep attaching the pump to myself 3 times a day, and dutifully bring home the total 1oz I eke out at the end of the day.
I never thought I'd make it this far, but now I wish it were further....
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Bowl Full of Mush
My brain, that is. Here's some of the jumble....
L is not sleeping anymore. It started 3 weeks ago, after explaining to a friend how well he's been sleeping for the past five months. Yes, I believe I jinxed it. He's a little night time monster. But damn that baby is irresistible during the day. Such a fantastic age, 6-12 months. Pure joy at being alive. He wants to eat EVERYTHING and does so with gusto. He is so proud of all his new, daily growing skillz, like eating, cruising, clapping & blowing raspberries. He shrieks, jumps, claps in sheer delight of anything, nothing, everything. If only I could bottle that & save it forever.
B is two and a half. He is 50% sunshine, 50% black clouds. You never know what you're going to get. Its a difficult age. He is very sensitive & has such strong feelings. He has been crying & withdrawn sometimes at daycare lately. Yet he comes home jumping and singing. He was, is, and will likely always be a challenge to parent. He asks "Why?" constantly, repeatedly & sometimes it makes me laugh & sometimes it breaks my heart. "Why do you have to go to work mommy?" "Why????"
We've been trying to do a lot together as a family this summer, and its been good...but we both feel isolated a lot. One of the best days we had was when some friends came over for dinner & we wrangled our combined 5 under-three-year-old boys together. I think we were meant to do this in a community, not shut off in our little houses by ourselves. I wish we had more neighborhood friends. The drop-in, spur-of-the-moment, spend-an-afternoon-together kind, not the plan 3 months in advance to meet for a one-hour brunch kind.I remember my childhood being spent in the company of my parents' friends & their families...I think my children are going to remember a different kind of life.
I'm tired. And its not just the sleep. Or maybe it is...and the sleeplessness is permeating everything else, too? When we're tired, G & I talk less, its back to survival mode, where I go up to bed as soon as the chores are done, even though I know I won't be able to sleep for a couple of hours. I just don't want to do anything.
Sometimes I wonder if I am capable of being truly happy. The constant thinking, analyzing, worrying, planning going on in my brain are a bit of a buzz-kill. When things are good, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. When things are bad, well...sometimes I feel more comfortable in that scenario, as there is nowhere to go but up?
L is not sleeping anymore. It started 3 weeks ago, after explaining to a friend how well he's been sleeping for the past five months. Yes, I believe I jinxed it. He's a little night time monster. But damn that baby is irresistible during the day. Such a fantastic age, 6-12 months. Pure joy at being alive. He wants to eat EVERYTHING and does so with gusto. He is so proud of all his new, daily growing skillz, like eating, cruising, clapping & blowing raspberries. He shrieks, jumps, claps in sheer delight of anything, nothing, everything. If only I could bottle that & save it forever.
B is two and a half. He is 50% sunshine, 50% black clouds. You never know what you're going to get. Its a difficult age. He is very sensitive & has such strong feelings. He has been crying & withdrawn sometimes at daycare lately. Yet he comes home jumping and singing. He was, is, and will likely always be a challenge to parent. He asks "Why?" constantly, repeatedly & sometimes it makes me laugh & sometimes it breaks my heart. "Why do you have to go to work mommy?" "Why????"
We've been trying to do a lot together as a family this summer, and its been good...but we both feel isolated a lot. One of the best days we had was when some friends came over for dinner & we wrangled our combined 5 under-three-year-old boys together. I think we were meant to do this in a community, not shut off in our little houses by ourselves. I wish we had more neighborhood friends. The drop-in, spur-of-the-moment, spend-an-afternoon-together kind, not the plan 3 months in advance to meet for a one-hour brunch kind.I remember my childhood being spent in the company of my parents' friends & their families...I think my children are going to remember a different kind of life.
I'm tired. And its not just the sleep. Or maybe it is...and the sleeplessness is permeating everything else, too? When we're tired, G & I talk less, its back to survival mode, where I go up to bed as soon as the chores are done, even though I know I won't be able to sleep for a couple of hours. I just don't want to do anything.
Sometimes I wonder if I am capable of being truly happy. The constant thinking, analyzing, worrying, planning going on in my brain are a bit of a buzz-kill. When things are good, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. When things are bad, well...sometimes I feel more comfortable in that scenario, as there is nowhere to go but up?
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Flame
I always wanted 3 children. Growing up our family of 4 felt small & quiet. To orderly. Another child, I figured, would add some delightful chaos and asymmetry. I vowed to have 3 children, and when I mentioned it to G, he thought it sounded just dandy.
And then the realities hit. The emotional, physical, and financial expenses of infertility. Draining & debilitating (though medically uncomplicated) pregnancies. The colic and subsequent PTSD for the newborn period (really, it was that bad). There were times in B's infancy that I declared tearfully that I was never doing this again. But it passed, and we mustered up the courage & quickly went for round 2 before we lost our nerve, just to get it over with, provide our child with a sibling, and move on from the family-building. Two boys. Healthy & happy. A nice neat family.
But I don't feel done. I never understood, before, when people said they wanted more children because their families felt "incomplete", but that's what I feel right now.Our kids are so amazing, why not have more, right?
There is a "why not", though. There are several, that stop my careening dreams in their tracks. First, who knows if we can conceive another child, carry it to term, deliver a healthy baby. Who are we to expect THREE healthy children when so many have so much less? Every potential child is a gamble. A roll of the reproductive dice. A possibility of walking away from the table with nothing except lost time, money, sanity.
Honestly, I'm afraid. I've been so so lucky and I know too much and I'm afraid its our turn. That we should walk away, happy with what we have instead of being greedy and pushing our luck.
I don't know what we're going to do. I'm thankful I've got some time.
And then the realities hit. The emotional, physical, and financial expenses of infertility. Draining & debilitating (though medically uncomplicated) pregnancies. The colic and subsequent PTSD for the newborn period (really, it was that bad). There were times in B's infancy that I declared tearfully that I was never doing this again. But it passed, and we mustered up the courage & quickly went for round 2 before we lost our nerve, just to get it over with, provide our child with a sibling, and move on from the family-building. Two boys. Healthy & happy. A nice neat family.
But I don't feel done. I never understood, before, when people said they wanted more children because their families felt "incomplete", but that's what I feel right now.Our kids are so amazing, why not have more, right?
There is a "why not", though. There are several, that stop my careening dreams in their tracks. First, who knows if we can conceive another child, carry it to term, deliver a healthy baby. Who are we to expect THREE healthy children when so many have so much less? Every potential child is a gamble. A roll of the reproductive dice. A possibility of walking away from the table with nothing except lost time, money, sanity.
Honestly, I'm afraid. I've been so so lucky and I know too much and I'm afraid its our turn. That we should walk away, happy with what we have instead of being greedy and pushing our luck.
I don't know what we're going to do. I'm thankful I've got some time.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Flicker
I've gotten pretty good and focusing on the here and now. Nine-month-olds, with there newfound skills in constant shenanigan-seeking will do that. One mind-wandering moment and you're fishing dogfood out of a mouth or a toy out of the commode. Every once in a while, though, I see my future flicker right in front of my eyes. B will actually answer a question without "I dunno", and I imagine discussing the cool volcano experiment in science class or how fractions are hard. We'll sit down to dinner (L in the highchair flinging sweet potatoes & B on the bench painting on the wooden table with avocado), & I'll picture us gathered around talking about our days (and 99% of the food NOT ending up on the floor). L substitutes a human sound for his usual pterodactyl shrieks and I can almost hear his little voice singing songs. L has outgrown the bouncy, the infant tub, and sleeps in a big boy crib. B has dropped his nap, sometimes uses the toilet, tries to drink from a regular cup, likes to take a shower instead of a bath (!)...soon all this assorted paraphernalia of young childhood will be done with, the gazillions of garish & loud toys will give way to books and electronics, we'll be reading chapter books for bedtime after they brush their own teeth. Its bittersweet, but kind of exciting to imagine...no more diapers, teething, tantrums, pumping and being up all night! While my heart aches a tad, I also feel my shoulders lower 2 inches and my eyes brighten at the prospect!
The other day I was on the floor doing puzzles with B as L crawled around trying to eat the pieces. I felt a...flicker...in my lower belly & I instinctively laid my hand there with a familiar sense of relief, until it hit me a second later---there is no burgeoning life there, probably things just settling back into working mode after months of lactational inactivity. The emptiness and sense of longing was unexpected, but I tuned in to it. And my view of the future? Flickered and changed 180 degrees.
The other day I was on the floor doing puzzles with B as L crawled around trying to eat the pieces. I felt a...flicker...in my lower belly & I instinctively laid my hand there with a familiar sense of relief, until it hit me a second later---there is no burgeoning life there, probably things just settling back into working mode after months of lactational inactivity. The emptiness and sense of longing was unexpected, but I tuned in to it. And my view of the future? Flickered and changed 180 degrees.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Harsh?
A comment I received on my last post (from a loyal reader who I consider an online friend) left me a bit uncomfortable and led me to dig a bit deeper into my motives in developing and tracking progress on my Intentions. I have to quote the comment here for context into what I'm going to discuss but I want you to know that I truly appreciated your thoughtful responses, and am not trying to "call you out" or make you feel bad for what you wrote. One of the main reasons I write this blog is to engage in meaningful discussions, and that absolutely includes disagreements & differing viewpoints. Not everything I think about is logical or rational, and its healthy to get an outside opinion once in a while. End disclaimer.
"the process you go through these areas of self-improvement to grade yourself seems really harsh and not very healthy to me today. I guess this is a normal thing that women are supposed to do..... always actively try to be better, but why not just try living life and doing what you can and being ok with that?....That's not an "F" that's just reality."
This definitely hit home....am I pushing myself too hard, disguising self-loathing as self-improvement? Shouldn't I just be "going with the flow" and enjoying whatever life brings? Does trying to be better imply that I don't think I'm good enough?
I think it is the grading system that seems harsh. Definitely giving myself an "F" seems a bit punishing from the outside. Truly, I started using the grades because I saw another blogger do this, and it seemed a useful way to track my progress...when I started, I kind of assumed that I would get poor grades in some categories and then I could focus on those areas and "bring my grades up" to end up with all As. Halfway into the year I realized that is not the case. There is a lot of ebb and flow to it...I'll focus on one thing for a while & then another, I can't possibly do it all every day or even every month. Energy & time put into one area obviously can't be put into another.
But. That does not mean its not worth doing or thinking about right now. There are times in life when you have to cut your focus down to one or two things...you're in pure survival mode and everything else simply has to wait. I've had LOTS of those times. My entire 20s and early 30s was survival mode. Med school, residency, the difficult first year of fellowship, studying for 3 different board exams, moving, pregnancy, newborn phase... I didn't have the time or energy to even THINK about what I wanted in life, much less to make them happen. And that's OK. It wasn't all grim endurance, I tried to have fun, do things that brought me joy. I met my husband, we got married, we traveled a lot, I squeezed in a social life and exercise. I learned to cook, read lots of books, I lived life.
Then I found myself in my mid-30s, on the other side of all these "major life-changing events" and I was still living like I was in survival mode. "I don't have time for that" "Lets just make it through the weekend" and it was kind of...grim. I wanted something different & better...what was I waiting for? There wasn't something we had to "get through" to get to the life we wanted, we simply had to make it happen. So I thought about what was important to me & came up with these Intentions. By and large, I think I'm doing pretty good with them. I use them to make decisions about how I spend my time but also to shift my attitude from that of endurance to enjoyment.
These areas I chose to focus on are 100% my priorities in life. Others may have different ones. Getting up early to sweat on the elliptical may seem a bit harsh, but the endorphins & confidence that come from pushing your body...I need that. Staying up late to watch a movie I don't really love with my husband may seem annoying, but his appreciation with me for sharing something important to him & the closeness it brings...I need that. I chose these goals not solely to push myself or change myself, but to bring myself joy. The proportions might change over time but I need all the ingredients in my recipe for happiness.
"the process you go through these areas of self-improvement to grade yourself seems really harsh and not very healthy to me today. I guess this is a normal thing that women are supposed to do..... always actively try to be better, but why not just try living life and doing what you can and being ok with that?....That's not an "F" that's just reality."
This definitely hit home....am I pushing myself too hard, disguising self-loathing as self-improvement? Shouldn't I just be "going with the flow" and enjoying whatever life brings? Does trying to be better imply that I don't think I'm good enough?
I think it is the grading system that seems harsh. Definitely giving myself an "F" seems a bit punishing from the outside. Truly, I started using the grades because I saw another blogger do this, and it seemed a useful way to track my progress...when I started, I kind of assumed that I would get poor grades in some categories and then I could focus on those areas and "bring my grades up" to end up with all As. Halfway into the year I realized that is not the case. There is a lot of ebb and flow to it...I'll focus on one thing for a while & then another, I can't possibly do it all every day or even every month. Energy & time put into one area obviously can't be put into another.
But. That does not mean its not worth doing or thinking about right now. There are times in life when you have to cut your focus down to one or two things...you're in pure survival mode and everything else simply has to wait. I've had LOTS of those times. My entire 20s and early 30s was survival mode. Med school, residency, the difficult first year of fellowship, studying for 3 different board exams, moving, pregnancy, newborn phase... I didn't have the time or energy to even THINK about what I wanted in life, much less to make them happen. And that's OK. It wasn't all grim endurance, I tried to have fun, do things that brought me joy. I met my husband, we got married, we traveled a lot, I squeezed in a social life and exercise. I learned to cook, read lots of books, I lived life.
Then I found myself in my mid-30s, on the other side of all these "major life-changing events" and I was still living like I was in survival mode. "I don't have time for that" "Lets just make it through the weekend" and it was kind of...grim. I wanted something different & better...what was I waiting for? There wasn't something we had to "get through" to get to the life we wanted, we simply had to make it happen. So I thought about what was important to me & came up with these Intentions. By and large, I think I'm doing pretty good with them. I use them to make decisions about how I spend my time but also to shift my attitude from that of endurance to enjoyment.
These areas I chose to focus on are 100% my priorities in life. Others may have different ones. Getting up early to sweat on the elliptical may seem a bit harsh, but the endorphins & confidence that come from pushing your body...I need that. Staying up late to watch a movie I don't really love with my husband may seem annoying, but his appreciation with me for sharing something important to him & the closeness it brings...I need that. I chose these goals not solely to push myself or change myself, but to bring myself joy. The proportions might change over time but I need all the ingredients in my recipe for happiness.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
2012 Intentions 2nd Quarter Results: All-in-one
And now its summer. As I think through my progress on my intentions this year, I am reminded afresh that life is indeed a zero-sum game. There is finite time in each day, and even more finite energy & motivation in my body. Any focus I shift to one activity must by default come from another. This is incredibly clear as I contrast my 2nd Quarter grades to those from the 1st Quarter; all my As from before have slipped, while I've managed to pull up my Fs in the other areas of life. Give & take, seasons of life, trade offs, the juggle, balance, opportunity costs, the impossibility of "having it all" (ick), whatever you want to call it, its real.
Anyways, I'm condensing this to one post since I'm already late on this.
Health
Updated Intention: Exercise at least three days a week.
Grade: C
So I trained for and ran the 10 mile race in early May. And have run a total of two times since then. And no, I haven't shifted those workouts to strength training or yoga. They just...disappeared. My only exercise is my weekly ballet class (more on that later). The "C" is the average of the A I had in April/early May and the complete F afterwards.
Why did I quit? There are a millionreasons excuses, including getting sick with bronchitis & then lingering energy-sapping allergies (still going on), periods of bad weather, kids getting harder to deal with in the morning & more to do (because of L crawling & eating solids). Really it just stopped being a habit, and I can't seem to get it back. Though my actions do NOT show it, I still believe exercise is essential to a healthy life, and I am sticking to my original intention. To address the lack of energy I've been feeling, though, I'm adding on another self-care issue. I am going to go to my doctor to discuss additional treatments/options for my terrible allergies. More importantly, I'm going to be compliant with the treatment regimen & follow-up that she suggests (I tend to slack off, for example, not using my nasal spray or avoiding the eye drops). So my new intention is really:
Exercise at least 3 days a week & look after my medical needs.
Motherhood
Updated intention: Fun & focus
Grade: B
This is always going to get a B. Some days better, some days worse. As I've mentioned---work in progress for the next 20 years, I'm sure. Since this is boring I'm going to kick it up a notch for the summer---G & I both independently realized that we wanted more spontaneity in our family life---less routine & strict adherence to nap & bedtimes & more "adventures" with the kids. Summer seems the perfect time to try this out. We've been getting out more, doing things that would previously have been dismissed as "a hassle", like renting a ginormous van & taking the boys & dog to a friend's pool party out in the 'burbs (yes, all were explicitly invited). During the heat wave last week we left work 30 minutes early & raced the boys to the city pool for half an hour. This weekend we're going to watch the fireworks over the river from G's office window (he's on the 17th floor). Yes, it'll be late. But B doesn't really go to bed on time anyways these days---if he naps, he stays up til almost 9, kicking & singing in his crib. If he doesn't nap, he's down by 7:30 on the dot. So...he needs to nap.
The other part I want to work on is really figuring out a better way for us to address the more ummm....challenging moments of parenting. I ordered this book, on recommendation of a reader, and my goal is to read it & distill it for G and see if we can apply it to our kids. If not, there are more books. I'm not generally a huge fan of parenting books, but I think having it laid out by an "authority" may help G get on board.
So my mothering intention for the summer is kind of contradictory: adventure and discipline.
Marriage
Updated Intention: Touching and helping out.
Grade: B
No, I didn't do a single of those things I planned to do (daily hugs/kisses, or doing things for him without telling him). But we're talking more. I feel more connected. We've had a few nights out ourselves lately (for my birthday and our anniversary) and are planning more for the summer. We either do chores together & talk as we work, or one or us rushes through them while the other reads B his bedtime stories so we can hang out afterwards. We've been sitting on our deck with a book or a drink at least once a week (my idea of fun) or I've been watching a movie with him in the basement also at least once a week (his idea of fun).
We've also been doing much more as a family on the weekends that ends up being fun for us, too. We've had 2 Saturday morning "tourists in our city" adventures, where we leave the house really early, walk to another part of town, and play there, have breakfast, etc... The kids are in good moods in the morning, we have the whole weekend ahead of us, and its fun to go somewhere simply to experience it, rather than on an errand. G mentioned that he's much happier the past few weekends since I'm "around"---I've had work obligations & social events a lot this spring and he felt really alone with the kids. Oops.
Since things are going well I'm going to stick with it...my marriage intention for this summer will be to talk every day, date nights at least monthly, and trying really hard to "be around".
Career
Updated Intention: Efficient & productive at work
Grade: B
Another work in progress. I'll keep the same goal for the summer. There are specific projects & ideas I want to advance but I don't really want to talk about them here (because its booooring, not top-secret) so I'll leave it at that.
Self
Updated Intention: Sew & bake
Grade: A
Funny enough, as life sometimes is, I haven't baked a thing, and only sewed one item since the last update. Spurred by my new Kindle and the borrowing of the Hunger Games trilogy, I've found myself reading again. My stash of fabric is sitting unused and my sewing machine gathering dust as I plow through novels, magazines, etc... Whatevs. I figure that as long as I'm doing something enjoyable for myself, I deserve an A on this one.
As I mentioned above, I've also started a new & surprisingly fun activity with a friend. I've been taking a weekly Adult Beginner Ballet class. Its for real---we wear ballet shoes and do exercises at the bar and then on the floor for an hour and a half every week. I haven't taken any kind of dance in over 10 years and ballet I quit when I was 10 (I have a whole post about the tricky subject of when to push kids in an activity & when to let them quit...but I always regretted quitting & wish my parents pushed me in this one). I forgot how much I LOVE to dance. Having to remember steps & perfect my positioning really gets me out of my head in a way that running or yoga doesn't do for me. We had a one month pass but we are definitely going to continue. The teacher is funny & encouraging and one of the best parts is the diversity of women in the class (yes they are all women but all shapes, sizes, ages, colors...very different from the identical girls in the classes I used to take as a child). Some of the women have been taking the class for months and they are really good. Its cool to see an overweight middle aged woman suddenly turn into a graceful swan at the bar. So so empowering.
For the summer I'm going to keep this one flexible---just do what I feel like when I feel like it. No need to get all rigid about how I spend my free time, right?
Friendship
Updated Intention: "Make new friends and keep the old"
Grade: D
I haven't done much more on this one. I've taken exactly ZERO opportunities to make new friends, and in trying to be more "around" on the weekends, doing less with the friends I do have. We are doing more social things as a family, which is nice, but its really hard to talk to anyone when you're herding two little ones all the time.
Honestly, this is the one part of life that I'm finding the most lacking these days. I love spending time with my family & G, but I sometimes crave a good talk or laugh with a girl friend. This is one of those trade-offs for me right now, though...the more time I devote to my kids & marriage, the less time I have for building and maintaining other relationships. G is so so good about saying "OK" whenever I mention an outing, its not him. Its me. Honestly I'm racking my brain and can't find an answer. I'll just reiterate that this is still a priority for me, and I want to try to fit it in whenever I can.
So there you have it. Some up, some down, some completely in the toilet. But if there is nothing to strive for, what's the point, right?
Anyways, I'm condensing this to one post since I'm already late on this.
Health
Updated Intention: Exercise at least three days a week.
Grade: C
So I trained for and ran the 10 mile race in early May. And have run a total of two times since then. And no, I haven't shifted those workouts to strength training or yoga. They just...disappeared. My only exercise is my weekly ballet class (more on that later). The "C" is the average of the A I had in April/early May and the complete F afterwards.
Why did I quit? There are a million
Exercise at least 3 days a week & look after my medical needs.
Motherhood
Updated intention: Fun & focus
Grade: B
This is always going to get a B. Some days better, some days worse. As I've mentioned---work in progress for the next 20 years, I'm sure. Since this is boring I'm going to kick it up a notch for the summer---G & I both independently realized that we wanted more spontaneity in our family life---less routine & strict adherence to nap & bedtimes & more "adventures" with the kids. Summer seems the perfect time to try this out. We've been getting out more, doing things that would previously have been dismissed as "a hassle", like renting a ginormous van & taking the boys & dog to a friend's pool party out in the 'burbs (yes, all were explicitly invited). During the heat wave last week we left work 30 minutes early & raced the boys to the city pool for half an hour. This weekend we're going to watch the fireworks over the river from G's office window (he's on the 17th floor). Yes, it'll be late. But B doesn't really go to bed on time anyways these days---if he naps, he stays up til almost 9, kicking & singing in his crib. If he doesn't nap, he's down by 7:30 on the dot. So...he needs to nap.
The other part I want to work on is really figuring out a better way for us to address the more ummm....challenging moments of parenting. I ordered this book, on recommendation of a reader, and my goal is to read it & distill it for G and see if we can apply it to our kids. If not, there are more books. I'm not generally a huge fan of parenting books, but I think having it laid out by an "authority" may help G get on board.
So my mothering intention for the summer is kind of contradictory: adventure and discipline.
Marriage
Updated Intention: Touching and helping out.
Grade: B
No, I didn't do a single of those things I planned to do (daily hugs/kisses, or doing things for him without telling him). But we're talking more. I feel more connected. We've had a few nights out ourselves lately (for my birthday and our anniversary) and are planning more for the summer. We either do chores together & talk as we work, or one or us rushes through them while the other reads B his bedtime stories so we can hang out afterwards. We've been sitting on our deck with a book or a drink at least once a week (my idea of fun) or I've been watching a movie with him in the basement also at least once a week (his idea of fun).
We've also been doing much more as a family on the weekends that ends up being fun for us, too. We've had 2 Saturday morning "tourists in our city" adventures, where we leave the house really early, walk to another part of town, and play there, have breakfast, etc... The kids are in good moods in the morning, we have the whole weekend ahead of us, and its fun to go somewhere simply to experience it, rather than on an errand. G mentioned that he's much happier the past few weekends since I'm "around"---I've had work obligations & social events a lot this spring and he felt really alone with the kids. Oops.
Since things are going well I'm going to stick with it...my marriage intention for this summer will be to talk every day, date nights at least monthly, and trying really hard to "be around".
Career
Updated Intention: Efficient & productive at work
Grade: B
Another work in progress. I'll keep the same goal for the summer. There are specific projects & ideas I want to advance but I don't really want to talk about them here (because its booooring, not top-secret) so I'll leave it at that.
Self
Updated Intention: Sew & bake
Grade: A
Funny enough, as life sometimes is, I haven't baked a thing, and only sewed one item since the last update. Spurred by my new Kindle and the borrowing of the Hunger Games trilogy, I've found myself reading again. My stash of fabric is sitting unused and my sewing machine gathering dust as I plow through novels, magazines, etc... Whatevs. I figure that as long as I'm doing something enjoyable for myself, I deserve an A on this one.
As I mentioned above, I've also started a new & surprisingly fun activity with a friend. I've been taking a weekly Adult Beginner Ballet class. Its for real---we wear ballet shoes and do exercises at the bar and then on the floor for an hour and a half every week. I haven't taken any kind of dance in over 10 years and ballet I quit when I was 10 (I have a whole post about the tricky subject of when to push kids in an activity & when to let them quit...but I always regretted quitting & wish my parents pushed me in this one). I forgot how much I LOVE to dance. Having to remember steps & perfect my positioning really gets me out of my head in a way that running or yoga doesn't do for me. We had a one month pass but we are definitely going to continue. The teacher is funny & encouraging and one of the best parts is the diversity of women in the class (yes they are all women but all shapes, sizes, ages, colors...very different from the identical girls in the classes I used to take as a child). Some of the women have been taking the class for months and they are really good. Its cool to see an overweight middle aged woman suddenly turn into a graceful swan at the bar. So so empowering.
For the summer I'm going to keep this one flexible---just do what I feel like when I feel like it. No need to get all rigid about how I spend my free time, right?
Friendship
Updated Intention: "Make new friends and keep the old"
Grade: D
I haven't done much more on this one. I've taken exactly ZERO opportunities to make new friends, and in trying to be more "around" on the weekends, doing less with the friends I do have. We are doing more social things as a family, which is nice, but its really hard to talk to anyone when you're herding two little ones all the time.
Honestly, this is the one part of life that I'm finding the most lacking these days. I love spending time with my family & G, but I sometimes crave a good talk or laugh with a girl friend. This is one of those trade-offs for me right now, though...the more time I devote to my kids & marriage, the less time I have for building and maintaining other relationships. G is so so good about saying "OK" whenever I mention an outing, its not him. Its me. Honestly I'm racking my brain and can't find an answer. I'll just reiterate that this is still a priority for me, and I want to try to fit it in whenever I can.
So there you have it. Some up, some down, some completely in the toilet. But if there is nothing to strive for, what's the point, right?
Friday, June 22, 2012
Benign Neglect
So one of the (many) things I angsted over during my last pregnancy was how we were "ruining B's life"---snatching him out of the warm garden of perpetual undivided attention and throwing him straight into the arena of sibling rivarly at the tender age of not-quite-two. Remembering his own infancy, I figured that the new baby would require most of our attention for several months, and he would be thrust into independence.
The reality---and from what I've read/heard its pretty common---is that B didn't give up a damn thing. Our family's life still revolves around him and his over-sized, attention-whore (and ridiculously adorable) personality. L is just along for the ride. We plan our outings around B's naps/meals/wants/moods...if L is sleeping, he's roused & plopped in the stroller, he eats on the go, and grimly endures the community pool when B wants to go for a swim (L doesn't appear to be a fan of cool water).
I'm OK with this...if we tried to plan around both kids' naps & meals, we'd never go anywhere...and really, at L's age, he is happy just to be out & about---crawling around & eating grass & leaves wherever we happen to land. Plus he clearly adores his older brother. He follows him everywhere and bubbles with joy when B deigns to acknowledge him.
But there are some aspects in which I do feel we are short-changing poor easy-going L. We used to read to B constantly. I tried establishing some bedtime stories with L, but these days he's exhausted & falls asleep nursing before I can get to the stories (and the one time he WAS awake, I reached for the books to realize that B had taken them back to his room as part of "cleaning up"). We mean to read to him at other times, but hasn't happened. We used to talk to B, sing him songs, ABCs, recite nursery rhymes & passages from his books. The way parents do with their adored little babies. Now we're still talking to B---not L---and since B actually responds, he's a much more stimulating conversation partner. If we do try to talk to L, B will interrupt, or insist on knowing what was said (SUCH busybodies toddlers are, I tell you, worse than little old ladies!). Its not all B's fault, though, G & I both admitted that when we're alone with L, we are so "talked out" (or "sung out" or "read out") that we take advantage of the lack of demand for conversation, and relish the silence.
Honestly, other than the reading part (which hopefully will fall into place over time, as he gets less sleepy at bedtime), I'm sure the whole thing will even out. What L lacks for in direct attention from us, he makes up for with the stimulation & motivation to develop to keep up with his big brother. And besides, the one who's really neglected? Their furry four-legged older sister.
The reality---and from what I've read/heard its pretty common---is that B didn't give up a damn thing. Our family's life still revolves around him and his over-sized, attention-whore (and ridiculously adorable) personality. L is just along for the ride. We plan our outings around B's naps/meals/wants/moods...if L is sleeping, he's roused & plopped in the stroller, he eats on the go, and grimly endures the community pool when B wants to go for a swim (L doesn't appear to be a fan of cool water).
I'm OK with this...if we tried to plan around both kids' naps & meals, we'd never go anywhere...and really, at L's age, he is happy just to be out & about---crawling around & eating grass & leaves wherever we happen to land. Plus he clearly adores his older brother. He follows him everywhere and bubbles with joy when B deigns to acknowledge him.
But there are some aspects in which I do feel we are short-changing poor easy-going L. We used to read to B constantly. I tried establishing some bedtime stories with L, but these days he's exhausted & falls asleep nursing before I can get to the stories (and the one time he WAS awake, I reached for the books to realize that B had taken them back to his room as part of "cleaning up"). We mean to read to him at other times, but hasn't happened. We used to talk to B, sing him songs, ABCs, recite nursery rhymes & passages from his books. The way parents do with their adored little babies. Now we're still talking to B---not L---and since B actually responds, he's a much more stimulating conversation partner. If we do try to talk to L, B will interrupt, or insist on knowing what was said (SUCH busybodies toddlers are, I tell you, worse than little old ladies!). Its not all B's fault, though, G & I both admitted that when we're alone with L, we are so "talked out" (or "sung out" or "read out") that we take advantage of the lack of demand for conversation, and relish the silence.
Honestly, other than the reading part (which hopefully will fall into place over time, as he gets less sleepy at bedtime), I'm sure the whole thing will even out. What L lacks for in direct attention from us, he makes up for with the stimulation & motivation to develop to keep up with his big brother. And besides, the one who's really neglected? Their furry four-legged older sister.
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