Marriage
Original Intention: "really come up with a daily time to talk and be together for even 15-20 minutes"
Grade: F
Oh yeah. Total abject FAIL on this one. What happened? What always happens. Things get busy and the status quo prevails. The kids' bed times have crept up later & later. And there is just so much to DO in the evenings...chores, finishing up on work, even fun stuff like reading. Plus I want to get to bed early enough to be able to go running. Ah the excuses. They are infinite.
When I really think about this, though, the major problem with this intention was that it wasn't under my control. Its one of those takes-two-to-tango things. And G doesn't see a problem with the status quo, so if I want to change things, I have to remind, insist, cajole, nag.
Speaking of taking-two-to-tango...well, I didn't articulate this in my Intention post, but I was hoping that daily communication & together-time would also hopefully result in more physical intimacy. Because that? Just not happening these days. In the interest of trying to help someone who may be in the same tango-less boat, I will overcome my humiliation and admit that it's only happened twice this year. Oh, there are all sorts of excuses for this, too, but basically we are busy, we are tired, we've been sick, and we seem to be on opposite schedules as far as interest is concerned.
Anyways. I realize I need to change this intention into something actionable that only involves changing my own behaviors and attitudes, because if there is any life lesson that has really come home lately its the old "you can't change anyone but yourself". I don't have any brilliant ideas here. One thing G often mentions (complains about) is that I am not very affectionate with him---he likes hugs, kisses, back rubs, etc... and I am a bit more physically aloof. So I will aim to affectionately touch him every day, beyond just a quick kiss hello/goodbye.
Another is something I heard on TV once---it was a segment on a talk show, leading up to Valentine's Day about "ways to show your love". Some "marriage expert" recommended doing one thing specifically for your partner every day without telling them about it. I tried it for a while...completing one of "his" chores, cooking his favorite dish, agreeing to the movie he wanted, etc...but my desire for praise & acknowledgement won out & I gave up. Maybe I'll try that again, in the spirit of showing love & gratitude.
Got any better ideas? I'm sure they're out there!
Since you've posted several times lately about being overwhelmed by chores at night, what about doing them together? DH and I both very much prefer to do chores together than separately. If he or I is the only one doing dishes, there is grumbling. If we both are (or if we're in the same room doing different chores such as dishes and cooking), it feels like a team effort, and there's also opportunity for the talking time you've been wanting.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, I guess I've been complaining about that quite a bit. That's a great idea; we've started splitting things up or taking turns more, to give each other a break, but doing it together does feel less blah & we do usually chat while we work.
DeleteI agree with the above commenter. I HATE chores, but when Luca does them with me, a) they get done faster, and b) I mind them much less.
ReplyDeleteAs for the intimacy, I hear you. It's really hard to get in the mood when you are running around all day and then you both collapse in bed at night. Also, when you are exhausted. Also, when you feel like you need to do it, like it's something to check off the to do list. I don't have the solution to this problem, but I totally hear you on it, and you are NOT alone. I suppose thinking of it as a fun treat rather than a chore would be a good start, but I'll let you know when I figure that one out myself.
Yes, that is exactly it. Running around all day, and trying to be perky & "on" for work & kids...by the end I'm beat. And I don't think of it as chore. I just simply don't think of it at ALL most of the time, which is the problem...
DeleteGot you beat--we've only had the old physical intimacy ONCE this year. It's interesting that your husband doesn't mind the status quo--I thought men were always interested in tangoing more often...
ReplyDeleteI DO think of it as a chore, and I have no idea how to get back to a place where I actively want to, and because I don't want it to be misinterpreted as an advance, we also don't kiss or cuddle either. It's all about the chaste kiss. SIGH. And knowing it's common and normal doesn't really help. For a while I was making my husband give me a hug every day that lasted at least 10 seconds. It was nice to feel that connection even if it was incredibly brief.
I also wonder how your motherhood intention is going to interact with this one. If you're giving all your energy to the kids, and putting off getting things done until they're in bed, what's going to be left? Not to be a downer, I just think this is a really, really hard one. I really admire you for actively working on these things, and for the gentle, thoughtful way you're going about it. And it also never hurts for me to be reminded of the fact that you can only change yourself...
So glad to hear your thoughts on this Bunny, I always related to your posts about marriage. And you're right, knowing its "normal" doesn't make it not suck. When I mentioned G was OK with status quo, I meant the talking/connecting stuff...I'm certain he is not OK with the physical side of it. For me, it all kind of goes together and it'd be very hard to have the physical side without the more emotional intimacy....so its a perpetuating cycle.
DeleteI also think your last point is probably the hardest part...I'd like to believe I can do it all, but its turning out that something has ultimately got to give...I don't think its smart or healthy for that something to be my marriage, though, as it is the foundation of our family (or some such cheesy crap). I'm really not sure HOW to go about this, but I still think its worth trying.
I can't contribute anything of value in the marriage department, but in terms of reducing the stress/fatigue, have you thought of paying someone to help with the housework? I've been getting a housekeeper once a week since starting residency, and it is a huge relief to not have to spend my one free day per week cleaning. It's definitely worth the money.
Deletethanks for your comment SD! Yes, we DEFINITELY have cleaning help every other week. So worth it. Of course with sticky gross kids & shed-dy gross dog, we still need to do some day to day upkeep just so I don't get grossed out walking around with bare feet!
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