Tuesday, September 29, 2020

Point Taken

 ok OK, I won't be texting anyone. I just feel like doing MORE, and I don't talk on the phone unless I absolutely HAVE TO (sorry mom & dad!)* I'll stick to postcards and donating $$. I don't have time for it anyway, just something I've heard of others doing and figured I could take on for a few hours once/twice.  

Disaster of today---G texted me to say that B couldn't log onto his school link for hours today. Maybe ever. Or message his teacher or submit his work via Google Classroom. So yay! I HATE THIS SHIT.

Oh, and I was supposed to run with 2 friends at 6 AM. I guess I never did set my alarm, I realized at 6:30 AM when I woke up. I squeezed in a quick & dirty "Dirty 30" before heading to work but I felt frazzled. 

Its pouring rain. No outdoor time or exercise for the kids, boo. We can work on the puzzle we started yesterday and play some Mastermind. We bought it from Target last weekend, G and I both remember playing as kids, its really fun! 

I saw patients and had some meetings. Going to eat lunch before more meetings. I'm debating watching the debate tonight. Maybe with some wine. 

*no, they aren't reading

Monday, September 28, 2020

Screaming on the Inside

On the one hand, we are OK. We are healthy, physically and financially.  On the other hand, every single day is a struggle and the world is a s&*tshow and nothing is OK. 

I pingpong constantly between acceptance and rage. Gratitude and despair. Riding the wave and drowning. Work---as demanding as it is---is often the easiest, since I know what I'm supposed to be doing there. I see my patients, attend my meetings, make my lists and complete the tasks. 

Its the rest of it that befuddles me. How much should I push my kids to do their (in my mind, excessive) assignments for school? How to keep them off youtube when the district won't allow us to put parental controls on their laptops? How to reassure (without flat out lying to) the child who saw a scary ad on youtube about "bad guys coming into your house and killing you while you sleep" (!!!)  How to convince my parents to move closer to me and my sister because we worry about them? How to keep MIL happy while she is visiting, but not so happy she stays forever? 

Is writing postcards and donating $ enough? Should I be texting voters like some of my friends are doing? Should I donate more to the senate races than the president (I think yes). How to keep up even the slimmest optimism that the next 4 years will be "same as the first, a little bit louder and a lot bit worse"?

Can I invite 3 kids to an outdoor play date for L's birthday next week? How about 4? What if they bring their siblings? What is the cut off and how to enforce it? Cupcakes OK? Chips? Only in individual bags, right? We haven't even thought about a birthday present for him, my MIL already bought the 2 things he wanted, and my parents and sister want to know what to get. 

ANYWAYS. Like I said, we are all OK. Except when we're not. 

Monday, September 14, 2020

Lost Week

 Last week was terrible you guys. I don't know what came over me, but I had ZERO motivation to do anything. For the first time ever, I left a whole week of clinic charts undone through the weekend. I let deadlines pass for manuscript reviews I had agreed to complete. I did not move forward on ANY of my long term projects and goals. I just did the bare minimum to get through the week. Then I ate and drank too much and stayed up too late all weekend because I didn't even want to follow my own rules for staying healthy. 

Of course, now I'm even further behind and more exhausted and trying very hard not to be too hard on myself. I finished ALL the patient charts today. One paper review suddenly didn't need me anymore (the upside of procrastinating!) and I did the other one. I made some headway on a chapter I'm writing with a resident, and planned out time to do the other stuff (revise a paper, submit an IRB protocol) though I've got SEVEN clinic sessions this week so...not a lot of extra time available.  

On the plus side: I've been reading a LOT of books (I finished the Vanishing Half instead of doing charts Friday afternoon, it was FANTASTIC). I did clean and organize and purge in the living room and kids room on Saturday. I made it out for a run with a friend Sunday morning, even though we both just...stopped running 2/3 of the way through and couldn't make ourselves restart.  And I'm here. I wrote this. Its something. 

Thursday, September 3, 2020

Back to school blues...

 So I worked like crazy leading up to vacation, had a week off that was pretty OK, and now am working like crazy making up for it. So yay?

Also school started yesterday (virtually) and its already not going well. How do you make a kid pay attention and stay engaged? We caught B reading a book during synchronous learning time several times already (1.5 days in). How do you keep on top of SEVERAL different times were kids have to log off, do their own work/have lunch/etc.. and then log back on (for two separate kids, so a million different times?) And do your own work during all that?

I had most of yesterday free to help, but today I had to go in early (to give a lecture) and G was alone for the kids' morning (I'm back home now). He had stayed up way too late working and was tired and irritable and apparently there was yelling/crying at breakfast sigh.

Also, my "admin" time for my new role is almost 100% eaten up by clinical responsibilities lately. My mentor told me I need to take time to think "big picture" and work on x/y/z projects and I'm like, WHEN. I already work most weekends, trying to update talks/papers for promotion, reviewing papers, working on research projects with fellows, etc... 

Oh, and I'm trying to lose some of the weight I've gained and I'm back to IF (the only thing that ever worked for me and I was able to sustain long term), but also lower carbs, and working out every AM (running 3-4 miles OR 21D fix extreme) and I'm FUCKING HUNGRY.  Yesterday the kids insisted on nachos for dinner and I could NOT resist, plus I had tequila, so my carbs were insane so I'm trying to hold off today...

OK rant over...lets see how "big picture planning" goes whilst hangry. Item 1 "burn it all down" 

Thursday, August 13, 2020


 How long did it last? Less than 48 hours before another evening up late with wine and chips and my phone, then waking up exhausted and having to see a full day of patients, and UGH. Why do I do this to myself. Discussed this with my therapist today, and she points out that my work has gotten quite draining. I'm always constantly interacting with people and making decisions and I have no time to think and reflect and plan. By the end of the day I am emotionally SPENT and I numb myself with food and wine and scrolling. 

I also realize I have literally no time to myself anymore, and I CRAVE it. I just want to not have to worry about anyone else's feelings for one evening (a whole weekend would be great). Part of staying up too late is just getting that kid-free (and sometimes G-free if he goes downstairs to work) time. The mornings are no longer my sacred time to myself, G is up with me, and B has been waking up ridiculously early too. I guess I could get up EVEN EARLIER but I haven't been able to bite the bullet and do it yet. 

I need to find some way to build in some buffer for myself because this is untenable. 

Monday, August 10, 2020

I'm Alive and on a roll

 Its been a challenging few weeks and I just couldn't put ONE. MORE. THING. on my todo list, even if its something I enjoy like writing here. 

I've been through the stages of grief re: all virtual school (after they initially offered a hybrid 2 days in class option, but teachers/parents freaked and they pulled it). We also had a couple of weekend camping trips. Survived 4 days of having no running water in our house (ewww) and a million different work disasters (angry patient harassing me, paper rejections, productivity deficits, having to (re-)do all my promotion materials since I took the COVID extension, PPE malfunctions). 

I dealt with it in my usual healthy grownup way of staying up to late drinking wine and eating chips, then oversleeping and skipping workouts, and zoning out on social media. BUT we have water now, our weekend camping trip with friends was SO restorative (though exhausting, I barely slept), the kids have their last week of camp (and thus their last week of being anymore except home for the foreseeable future) and I woke up ready to tackle some goals. 

I did 21 day fix extreme cardio (so hard!) with G, meditated for the first time in 6 weeks, had a work call and dealt with SO MUCH email. I left messages on phone & email to schedule B's eye exam (he can't see anymore, in the glasses he got last summer), and I am writing this real quick before running to the pharmacy to pick up my meds, and deodorant (a word I still don't know how to spell apparently) which I need pronto, its still "feels like" 100 degrees every day over here. I have telehealth this afternoon and plan to eat a salad for lunch, and lots of veggies with my tacos for dinner. I will drink water and spindrift only and go to bed by 10 pm so I can get up at 5:45 to run before clinic.

I am on a f$cking roll. Lets see how long this lasts....

Thursday, July 16, 2020

Keeping me Sane

Work is insane, our house is a mess, our country is a dumpster fire, and its hot as *&k outside. Things that are helping (besides wine and cheez its):

1) The kids like camp! They say its fun, and are animated and happy when they are picked up. They are tired out and sleep better. They play Four Square and 100000 types of tag and run in sprinklers, eat popsicles, and play board games (occasionally watch movies). And so far (knock wood, etc...) we've had no outbreaks or exposures at any of the city parks and rec camps. Its nice to have something to talk about at the end of day that isn't video game-related. 

2) Camping weekends. Going tomorrow. Can't wait. Only way for me to turn off my brain and feel disconnected from work these days is to truly get away and off the grid. I don't care if we do nothing but swim in the lake and sit by the fire. In fact, that sounds amazing. 

3) My bookclub messenger thread. Yes, if I don't check in a while there can be 100+ messages, but its where I go if I need to vent, have a question, or come across a meme I need to share. 

4) Audiobooks. I just haven't been able to sit and read lately, but listening to an engaging story while I clean up or walk the dog is a nice escape. I did have to abandon my last one mid-listen because it was too complicated a story to follow as audio. Light reads work better. Books post coming soon.

What's keeping you sane?