"If you think back, and replay your year - if it doesn't bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted." (John Cage, from Ally McBeal).
January: Finish round 1 of Clomid started on B's first birthday. Start paperwork for faculty job I was offered at the end of December (!) Start lots of resolutions to try to reclaim my body, relationship, friendships, career, and self after B's first year and before (hopefully) getting pregnant again. Miss scheduled IUI due to huge snowstorm and resigned to waiting another month, because we certainly need additional people in the room to make babies. Test at end of month because period is a day late and I want a glass of wine. Oh My God. Test again. And again. And again. Yup.
February/March/April: Whirlwind of nausea, exhaustion, and anxiety interspersed with wicked winter viruses and 5 ear infections for B. Have scary (to me) numbers on first trimester screening but opted to forgo CVS. All resolutions clearly went down the toilet along with most of my meals.
May: Emerge. Travel to see friends. Find out we're having a brother for B and that he is perfect. Turn 35. Cry a little on the bus on my way to work that day because I am just so happy.
June-September: Get huge, hot, and uncomfortable. Cry one weekend because I am JUST. SO. TIRED. and cannot enjoy B or anything else. G takes on most househould tasks and a large percentage of toddler-wrangling, and is subsequently also exhausted and depressed, and I feel like a waste of space (oh so much space, too!) Put in 2 major grants and defend masters thesis at 36 weeks pregnant. Start this blog.
October: L arrives. Breastfeeding kicks my ass for a bit but in the end I emerge victorious!
November: Our first weeks alone as a family of 4. Glorious. L starts sleeping better, too. Bliss.
December: Back to work. Faculty position kicks in. Struggles with MIL and in my relationship with B. L is becoming such a delight and a balm to my soul. G & I grow closer through all the tumult.
Excuse me while I get a tissue. It's been quite a year.
The breastfeeding is actually working! We hit a breakthrough around week 3, when I tried nursing in the side-lying position & he actually latched on! So we did that for a while, and a couple of days later, I was at the lactation support group run by the LC I saw, and she got him to latch on in the cross-cradle hold while I sat on the floor, with no pillows or support or all that jazz. So I tried THAT later, just sitting on the bed---not the "nursing chair"---with no arm support or footstool. And it WORKED. We quickly got off the bottle-feeding, but I was still pumping since I wasn't sure when I'd need a bottle, and I built up quite the oversupply. Gradually was able to stop that (after a few clogged duct episodes that necessitated ramping up the pumping again). Now we are exclusively breastfeeding EXCEPT when he needs to feed in public---I always take a bottle with me because it still takes him a while to latch on and it may involve some screaming on his part, and milk leaking everywhere---not exactly a show I want to take on the road! I pump once a day, in the morning after his feed; additional pumping after he takes a bottle, also. I am now only filling one freezer bag per day (sometimes not even) vs. 4-6 7 oz bags/day. Which is good because my freezer is literally bursting.
My MIL left on Saturday so we are on our own for the first time in 6 weeks. It's actually going fine. It IS easier the second time around, since we already have a finely-tuned morning & evening routine, that can be easily be managed by one person. So we kind of switch off---one of us doing the usual with Big Brother while one of us (usually me) tends to Little Brother. Not sure if it'll get easier or harder when Little Brother becomes more of a real person (i.e. not an accessory that we can wear or put down in the bouncy seat at our convenience).
The colic. Oh the colic. Its tough to listen to the little guy scream as if he's being tortured---head back, tears streaming, body stiff---for HOURS at a time. I'm trying to be zen about it---I know he is not in any real pain nor is he purposefully trying to torture me, that I just need to try and soothe him until it goes away (3 months later!) & that it is no indication of future behavior or psychological issues (our very real fear with Big Brother---we were so sure that this was patently abnormal behavior that spoke to some sort of inborn personality disorder).
Talked to the pediatrician about it yesterday (we saw the new guy at the practice: young naive fresh out of residency, so cute!) & he agreed it sounded like colic though reflux is a possibility (I have a script for zantac just in case). We tried the antacids with BB; I was SO hoping he had reflux because then the medicine would MAKE IT STOP, but to no avail. I think I'll skip it this time. In a fit of desperation I DID order probiotics online (found some studies showing decreased crying vs. placebo and vs. mylicon in infants with colic). I gave the first dose today. We shall see. I also am off dairy this week to see if it helps. Blech. I like cheese a lot. In fact, I accidently had some the second day into the experiment. Went to meet some work friends for lunch---ordered the vegan burrito with vegan cheese & sour cream (tip--skip it. its neither sour nor creamy) yet the accompanying side salad was full of blue cheese crumbles & the "vinegraitte" had parmesan in it. Oops.
OK, the monster is stirring...better go pick him up! I am going to try to be more regular about posting, not that anyone is reading or anything :)