On Sunday night I was thinking about our weekend, mostly glad it was behind us. The kids were SO very challenging and I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, and I lost my patience with them and had it out with my husband. Yet...it was also the kind of weekend that would make others jealous if I decided to upload pictures & quotes to f@cebook. We spent lots of time outside in beautiful weather, got in some awesome exercise, had social activities, productive days at home, and cozy family times. My takeaway from this mental exercise is basically that the activities you do are only a small part of how enjoyable you find any particular stretch of time. The majority of it is all in the attitude---of yourself and those around you.
G and I are in a rough patch, mostly over parenting techniques. The same thing we've been disagreeing on for years, on and off. When the kids are particularly challenging, it brews back up. In short, B is not the only one in our family who may need some help managing big angry feelings. I honestly don't think we can make much headway with B until we get ourselves under control. G needs to a) acknowledge the problem, b) accept help/advice and c) do the hard work of making changes---the trying and failing and re-routing and trying again and failing again etc... maybe forever.
Its weird to me when people are not introspective and don't spend time daily on self-reflection. Those practices are so ingrained in me, I think they are a fundamental part of my personality. I think (about myself) therefore I am (myself). I told G to consider setting aside some time each day to THINK. He's constantly got his headphones on, with music, podcasts, etc.. I'd go nuts without some time to process each day and formally or informally work through issues, decide on courses of action, rearrange priorities, talk myself off the ledge or back onto the wagon. I do it in my head, in my journal, here on this blog...I just need to work things out and get my head straight so I can be my best.
Can people learn to self-reflect? Is it something you can "pick up" if you've never been in the habit? Or do certain people require OTHER PEOPLE to work things through (friends/spouse/therapist)? Or rely on tools to remind them or force them to think through certain things (is there an app for that)? How else do people change their behaviors/improve themselves?
I felt my husband had some of the same issues as G re feeling and displaying anger. It was very difficult for our daughter to learn perspective, self-control, etc. when he would go so over the top in being angry. I thought he needed counseling to learn anger management. As my daughter grew up, his buttons were not pushed as often/in the same way so the issue became less important. But if I had it to do over again, I might insist on counseling.
ReplyDeleteNYres
My husband did go to counseling once, we had an infant and a toddler and he was constantly losing his shit. It helped a lot at the time, but again, he didn't continue thinking through his behavior and how the therapist's advice continues to apply, so it sort of.."wore off". I told him to go again and he is considering it.
DeleteAnonymous' husband sounds much like me and my dad.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I spend a ton of time thinking about myself and others and trying to understand. My mind is always going going going. I feel like I am constantly growing, as I learn to understand myself better. I don't think my husband does much of this at all. And maybe that's why he seems to make the same mistakes over and over! Sometimes I can engage him in a conversation that results in introspection. Like "I was just thinking about x. And I feel like y works well for me. What do you think?" But mostly I just get one-word answers. So, no advice for you.
exactly! same mistakes over and over again, and he always seems to forget about the last time. I wonder how he could forget! But I guess because he's not really processing it after the fact so nothing really makes an impression? in a way it sounds nice, not to think think think all the time, but on the other hand he's not any happier than I am.
DeleteOh man, I don't have anything to contribute except to say you are me and your husband is my husband! If you figure out how to get him to self-reflect, share it here! My husband basically lives his life with earbuds in. He'll spend 10 minutes getting his Ipod prepped so that he can listen to something while spending 5 minutes washing the dishes! I find earbuds distract me from my own thoughts, lol.
ReplyDeleteIs he open to being self-reflexive? If so, I wonder about an experiment where you say what you're thinking, when you're thinking, for a period of time during the day (whenever you are doing your reflection). Almost like free form thought, so he can see your process?
hmmm. interesting idea. But I find my self-reflection to be very private and also sort of organic---I just do it throughout the day, not that I sit down at a certain time and "think about myself". Its just...how I go through life. I don't think I COULD do it out loud.
DeleteYes, they can learn if they want to. It won't be perfect and the process can take a long time, but it is possible.
ReplyDeleteDo you have a success story? I also think its possible in the way I think people can change themselves in many ways, but the question is whether someone who is so un-reflective will actually be willing to take the time/energy to change in that manner.
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DeleteI wasn't just reading about emotional labor again and I wonder if women are good at self-reflection and introspection because we are expected to be empathetic towards other, to intuit how they feel and respond accordingly, and men aren't held to that same expectation. If they don't have to figure it how other people are feeling and respond in a supportive way, they probably aren't as cognizant of how they are feeling either. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is also not very reflective, of how/why he is feeling or of how/why others are feeling. It's frustrating, and I'm not quite sure how to make him gain those empathetic skills toward himself or others. I think he'd have to really want to do it and if he isn't interested, how do you force it?
Interestingly, in my family I am the one with the temper. I generally can stay pretty calm until I am losing my shit. My husband is always VERY calm, to the point where it seems like maybe he doesn't care. It's hard for me to understand how he can care when he is able to stay so unaffected, but that is probably more because my parents also got mad and in our house it was the way things were done. Not so for my husband's family and I respect that he just handles strong emotions differently.
I have been working on the anger stuff for a long time. It's really hard to turn off or turn down those feelings when they seemingly come out of nowhere. I struggle with it, but I've read books and I try strategies. I don't know why most husbands are not willing, or not capable of doing that kind of work themselves. It's baffling to me.
I do get angry, too, and can yell for sure. But I don't act out physically the way my husband does (slam things down, throw things, rough hands). His mother does this, too, so I guess its a family thing? I hate it, and its scary to everyone around but its taken him a REALLY long time to see that it is unacceptable behavior.
DeleteAh I see your husband does the same thing as mine. 😝
DeleteBased on what you're saying in the comments, I'm not sure he needs to be regularly reflective etc. so much as he needs to change his automatic habitual behavior from anger/slamming things to the things preschoolers teach toddlers to do (eg. count to 10, take a deep breath, use your words, etc.).
ReplyDeleteIf he's willing to do therapy again, it sounds like it worked before but it wore off. So he can do it again.
In terms of examples of men getting over their anger problems-- one of my colleagues got a divorce from her husband because of his anger problems. He did some pretty intensive therapy. Now they're remarried and after several years of IVF they're having a second child (their first child is currently in 7th grade).
I wish I could give you some ideas on how to fix this but honestly I'm in the same boat. My husband is constantly on his phone reading about sports or hooked into Facebook. I also do lots of reflection and think about how I can make changes and do things better.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately I tried to give feedback when the kids were born (they are now 6 and 4) and he took it all as criticism so now I can't say anything about his behaviour when he is starting to yell or is making a situation worse as he takes it all as a personal attack.
I tried once explaining to him that I just try to see my actions and behaviour as changeable and that it's the same for him - I'm not criticizing him personally but that we can always improve and make our family interactions better.
I know that to save our marriage we need to go to counselling. I have just not had the energy to add that in yet but I need to before it's too late.