Sunny Days

Well, not today, its drizzly and gray outside. BUT! The weekend was amazing. Even being on call couldn't get me down. Its hard to believe the weather can make so much impact on my mood, but after many months of cold and weeks of rain, the brightness and warmth really lifted everyone's spirits. On Saturday we went to the park and I lay down in the grass for a moment and felt the sun on my face. Aaahhhh. Delightful. We then went "hiking" in the park and poor doggie and MIL were all tuckered out and didn't get up the rest of the evening. The kids, of course, never ever ever EVER run out of energy except exactly at 7:30 AM on a school day when we cannot rouse them out of bed (on weekends they are up before 7).

It was actually not bad for a call weekend, and I got home around lunchtime both days and was able to enjoy the afternoon and evening. I did miss the ability to relax with a beer or glass of wine and of course my morning workouts, but overall I can't complain.

MIL is here until Saturday. There have been some ups and downs in that whole situation, but overall OK. I'm glad I'll be out tonight (book club) to get a break from the tension. She's fine when everything is going her way but there are SO MANY ways to offend or hurt her feelings, its like walking on eggshells.

In frivolous news, I have been doing some online browsing. Boden has some really really cute summer dresses, and I think I will buy myself an early birthday present of a new everyday summer dress, as my two old favorites are both faded and worn. I also need new commuting sneakers (i.e. for walking around, not for running/gym) & a beach cover-up for the summer.

What else? We are in full-on sports season for the boys, with the end of basketball classes (both L and B) overlapping with the beginning of T-ball season (L, and G as the coach) with the 5-week running series on top of it. By the way, if you have kids 2 and up who may like to run, check out the Healthy Kids Running Series---they are all over the country and do fall and spring seasons, with age-appropriate races. The 2-year olds are adorable, and the 10 year olds are FAST. B has been doing his half-mile in under 4 minutes, and he is 4th overall.

I'm reading Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye for bookclub. We went to see the play last month and it was really good but so so sad. Probably because I know what's coming, I've had a hard time finding the motivation to read the book  and I'm just over half way done. I finished Kristin Hannah's Firefly Lane this weekend. It was terrible. Really the worst. Do not recommend. So so cliche and cheesy. OMG. I only finished it because I had it on my phone and it was absorbing enough to distract me from call anxiety (plus I had no other e-books at the moment).  I need a good book soon.

But what we do have is good TV! We've been watching this season of Silicon Valley. Trying to finish up Black Mirror but that show legitimately gave me nightmares so I had to take a break and I can go back for maybe one episode a week, followed by a silly comedic chaser (reruns of The Office work well). G is excited for the new season of Westworld, and I cannot wait to have time to watch season 2 of the Handmaid's Tale---it'll probably be this summer, when the kids are away again.

Speaking of summer, we booked all our many complicated flights to visit our families. It was quite an effort and feels good to have it done, but will probably feel less good when we get our credit card bills next month. We are going to have a LOT of kid-free time this summer and I want to make sure we plan it well so that we can get stuff done at work & home AND have some fun while we're at it. Because of that, I'm not really planning many date nights for the next couple of months, but I may want dinner out on my birthday weekend at least.

Lately at work I've been all or nothing. Either totally mired in inertia and wasting time reading the news and on-line shopping or TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION (TWD) mode where I laser-focus on the tasks at hand and burn through my todo list for today and tomorrow and the next day. The problem is, I don't know what mode I'll be in until I'm in it, so its hard to really plan. But stuff is getting done, so there is that. I'm thinking today will be a TWD day, I feel that pull to finish things, so I'll end here and get crackin'!

Day 4 Day 6

I'm on day 4 of a week long call. Its going OK. More internet surfing than I like to allow myself during the day (in between rounds/consults) and at night, but I'm exercising, eating well, etc...

I'm also on day 6 of a two-week long MIL visit. see above.

I am dreading this weekend. Its like a double-hit of stress. Going straight from managing who-knows-how-many patients in the hospital to managing MIL's delicate feelings and my kids' behavior.

Since I'm complaining, I'm over over OVER the cold. I've come around to being able to actually embrace winter...when it is winter. Once April hits, I'm just done with it, though. I want to be able to be outside more, comfortably. The poor kids were nearly frostbitten after the T-ball game last Sunday! Also, my MIL's feelings definite include dislike of cold weather and she is taking it as a personal affront, which I get to hear about every day. Yippee!

Good things? My kids love being picked up by her after school (and having their bellies and brains filled with treats and screens). G and I can both go work out on the same morning, which means I can get my workouts in during the week, since I can't on the weekend. We won't really have time for a date night, but maybe we can squeeze in a post-dinner drink out next week.

But man, I'm mostly just physically and mentally tired right now. One day at a time.

"...To Change Her Mind"?

Its right there, in the subtitle of my blog...the reason I started writing here was to organize my thoughts in the hopes that this would spark some sort of evolution that would ultimately lead me to acceptance of my "real adult life".

My initial reaction when I remembered this, was "ha!" I'm exactly the same person, only more gray hair, wrinkles, and cynicism. But on further reflection, while my outside life is pretty much what it was 6 years ago, my inner life has changed dramatically.

I actually have focused a good portion of my energy on improving my state of mind, and through therapy, meditation, medication, exercise, socializing, and yes writing, I think I'm in a pretty good place. I'm still working on it, still searching for that ideal balance between striving and acceptance,  dialing down my reactivity so that I don't yell so damn much at my kids, and substituting healthy austere coping mechanisms for wine and carbs. But even being able to articulate what I am working on is a huge HUGE step forward from the constant chaos of anxiety and overwhelm I was dealing with back then.


Anyways, just some deep thoughts on a gray and rainy Friday morning when my first two patients have canceled. The snow (!!!) in the forecast for tomorrow has been replaced with rain, which still leaves our schedule a bit iffy with the first spring running club and T-ball game on the docket (and basketball in between, but that's indoors at least). I have to drive the kids in the car solo for the first time which I'm a bit nervous about. We also have to do our &^$*% taxes. Oh well. Maybe we'll have some pizza to make up for it.