Sabatoge

 How long did it last? Less than 48 hours before another evening up late with wine and chips and my phone, then waking up exhausted and having to see a full day of patients, and UGH. Why do I do this to myself. Discussed this with my therapist today, and she points out that my work has gotten quite draining. I'm always constantly interacting with people and making decisions and I have no time to think and reflect and plan. By the end of the day I am emotionally SPENT and I numb myself with food and wine and scrolling. 

I also realize I have literally no time to myself anymore, and I CRAVE it. I just want to not have to worry about anyone else's feelings for one evening (a whole weekend would be great). Part of staying up too late is just getting that kid-free (and sometimes G-free if he goes downstairs to work) time. The mornings are no longer my sacred time to myself, G is up with me, and B has been waking up ridiculously early too. I guess I could get up EVEN EARLIER but I haven't been able to bite the bullet and do it yet. 

I need to find some way to build in some buffer for myself because this is untenable. 

I'm Alive and on a roll

 Its been a challenging few weeks and I just couldn't put ONE. MORE. THING. on my todo list, even if its something I enjoy like writing here. 

I've been through the stages of grief re: all virtual school (after they initially offered a hybrid 2 days in class option, but teachers/parents freaked and they pulled it). We also had a couple of weekend camping trips. Survived 4 days of having no running water in our house (ewww) and a million different work disasters (angry patient harassing me, paper rejections, productivity deficits, having to (re-)do all my promotion materials since I took the COVID extension, PPE malfunctions). 

I dealt with it in my usual healthy grownup way of staying up to late drinking wine and eating chips, then oversleeping and skipping workouts, and zoning out on social media. BUT we have water now, our weekend camping trip with friends was SO restorative (though exhausting, I barely slept), the kids have their last week of camp (and thus their last week of being anymore except home for the foreseeable future) and I woke up ready to tackle some goals. 

I did 21 day fix extreme cardio (so hard!) with G, meditated for the first time in 6 weeks, had a work call and dealt with SO MUCH email. I left messages on phone & email to schedule B's eye exam (he can't see anymore, in the glasses he got last summer), and I am writing this real quick before running to the pharmacy to pick up my meds, and deodorant (a word I still don't know how to spell apparently) which I need pronto, its still "feels like" 100 degrees every day over here. I have telehealth this afternoon and plan to eat a salad for lunch, and lots of veggies with my tacos for dinner. I will drink water and spindrift only and go to bed by 10 pm so I can get up at 5:45 to run before clinic.

I am on a f$cking roll. Lets see how long this lasts....