Point Taken

 ok OK, I won't be texting anyone. I just feel like doing MORE, and I don't talk on the phone unless I absolutely HAVE TO (sorry mom & dad!)* I'll stick to postcards and donating $$. I don't have time for it anyway, just something I've heard of others doing and figured I could take on for a few hours once/twice.  

Disaster of today---G texted me to say that B couldn't log onto his school link for hours today. Maybe ever. Or message his teacher or submit his work via Google Classroom. So yay! I HATE THIS SHIT.

Oh, and I was supposed to run with 2 friends at 6 AM. I guess I never did set my alarm, I realized at 6:30 AM when I woke up. I squeezed in a quick & dirty "Dirty 30" before heading to work but I felt frazzled. 

Its pouring rain. No outdoor time or exercise for the kids, boo. We can work on the puzzle we started yesterday and play some Mastermind. We bought it from Target last weekend, G and I both remember playing as kids, its really fun! 

I saw patients and had some meetings. Going to eat lunch before more meetings. I'm debating watching the debate tonight. Maybe with some wine. 

*no, they aren't reading

Screaming on the Inside

On the one hand, we are OK. We are healthy, physically and financially.  On the other hand, every single day is a struggle and the world is a s&*tshow and nothing is OK. 

I pingpong constantly between acceptance and rage. Gratitude and despair. Riding the wave and drowning. Work---as demanding as it is---is often the easiest, since I know what I'm supposed to be doing there. I see my patients, attend my meetings, make my lists and complete the tasks. 

Its the rest of it that befuddles me. How much should I push my kids to do their (in my mind, excessive) assignments for school? How to keep them off youtube when the district won't allow us to put parental controls on their laptops? How to reassure (without flat out lying to) the child who saw a scary ad on youtube about "bad guys coming into your house and killing you while you sleep" (!!!)  How to convince my parents to move closer to me and my sister because we worry about them? How to keep MIL happy while she is visiting, but not so happy she stays forever? 

Is writing postcards and donating $ enough? Should I be texting voters like some of my friends are doing? Should I donate more to the senate races than the president (I think yes). How to keep up even the slimmest optimism that the next 4 years will be "same as the first, a little bit louder and a lot bit worse"?

Can I invite 3 kids to an outdoor play date for L's birthday next week? How about 4? What if they bring their siblings? What is the cut off and how to enforce it? Cupcakes OK? Chips? Only in individual bags, right? We haven't even thought about a birthday present for him, my MIL already bought the 2 things he wanted, and my parents and sister want to know what to get. 

ANYWAYS. Like I said, we are all OK. Except when we're not. 

Lost Week

 Last week was terrible you guys. I don't know what came over me, but I had ZERO motivation to do anything. For the first time ever, I left a whole week of clinic charts undone through the weekend. I let deadlines pass for manuscript reviews I had agreed to complete. I did not move forward on ANY of my long term projects and goals. I just did the bare minimum to get through the week. Then I ate and drank too much and stayed up too late all weekend because I didn't even want to follow my own rules for staying healthy. 

Of course, now I'm even further behind and more exhausted and trying very hard not to be too hard on myself. I finished ALL the patient charts today. One paper review suddenly didn't need me anymore (the upside of procrastinating!) and I did the other one. I made some headway on a chapter I'm writing with a resident, and planned out time to do the other stuff (revise a paper, submit an IRB protocol) though I've got SEVEN clinic sessions this week so...not a lot of extra time available.  

On the plus side: I've been reading a LOT of books (I finished the Vanishing Half instead of doing charts Friday afternoon, it was FANTASTIC). I did clean and organize and purge in the living room and kids room on Saturday. I made it out for a run with a friend Sunday morning, even though we both just...stopped running 2/3 of the way through and couldn't make ourselves restart.  And I'm here. I wrote this. Its something. 

Back to school blues...

 So I worked like crazy leading up to vacation, had a week off that was pretty OK, and now am working like crazy making up for it. So yay?

Also school started yesterday (virtually) and its already not going well. How do you make a kid pay attention and stay engaged? We caught B reading a book during synchronous learning time several times already (1.5 days in). How do you keep on top of SEVERAL different times were kids have to log off, do their own work/have lunch/etc.. and then log back on (for two separate kids, so a million different times?) And do your own work during all that?

I had most of yesterday free to help, but today I had to go in early (to give a lecture) and G was alone for the kids' morning (I'm back home now). He had stayed up way too late working and was tired and irritable and apparently there was yelling/crying at breakfast sigh.

Also, my "admin" time for my new role is almost 100% eaten up by clinical responsibilities lately. My mentor told me I need to take time to think "big picture" and work on x/y/z projects and I'm like, WHEN. I already work most weekends, trying to update talks/papers for promotion, reviewing papers, working on research projects with fellows, etc... 

Oh, and I'm trying to lose some of the weight I've gained and I'm back to IF (the only thing that ever worked for me and I was able to sustain long term), but also lower carbs, and working out every AM (running 3-4 miles OR 21D fix extreme) and I'm FUCKING HUNGRY.  Yesterday the kids insisted on nachos for dinner and I could NOT resist, plus I had tequila, so my carbs were insane so I'm trying to hold off today...

OK rant over...lets see how "big picture planning" goes whilst hangry. Item 1 "burn it all down"