I only have a few minutes, but oh-so-much to say. I'll try to sum it up.
I am struggling. The sleep-deprivation, the colic-but-not-colic because you can't get colic at 4 months, the 2-year-old-power-plays, marriage, work, etc... etc... I've a lot on my plate.
and speaking of "lot" and "plates", I just can't seem to lose the last of the baby weight. I blame the nursing. If I try to eat a "normal" amount of food during the day (i.e. what I used to eat pre-pregnancy, even when exercising regularly), I am STARVING at night and can't sleep without stuffing my face. Since my choices aren't exactly the best at that time, I've caved, and started having snacks during the day---they are healthy-ish, but calories are calories and they are all ending up in the general muffin-top area. In the scheme of things, its a small issue, but one that really gets me down. I hate my clothes not fitting right. I saw recent pictures of myself and I looked pregnant. yuck.
I talked so blithely about making good choices, but I honestly struggle with making the right choice, because I don't know what the right choice IS sometimes. Should I be kind to myself, cut myself some slack, and just relax alone in the evenings, or do I need to push through and go to yoga, or finish the sewing project, or socialize with people, or have a real conversation with G? My tendency is to shut down, and I tell myself "its OK for now, it'll be better once I get more sleep"....but I don't see that happening anytime soon. Maybe I just need to get over it and LIVE my life.
I've been unable to shake this ache in my chest. This sadness underlying the struggles AND the joys. I've decided to stop trying. Maybe this quest for perfect "happiness" is making us all more miserable. Maybe some of us just carry around a little bit of sadness, and trying to forcibly evict it only strengthens its hold. In many ways, it makes a nice contrast to the joyful moments, setting them off so much more strikingly against the backdrop.