We've been having some super-nanny-requiring discipline situations with B lately (or so I've heard, I never actually watched Super Nanny). The problem isn't just B's behavior, which I am pretty sure is age appropriate, its the fact that G & I are not exactly on the same page about how to deal with him. Basically he thinks I'm too soft and "coddling" and I think he's too harsh and "mean". For the first time in my parenting journey I'm considering searching for a book or manual about effective yet not-scarring discipline techniques for toddlers. I'm not looking for "the best" way, just a "pretty good" way, something we can agree on, and refer to--like a third party mediator--when we are at odds.
B has problems with 3 different situations:
1. Transitions: I know this one is definitely age-appropriate, but he gets really upset and tantrums whenever we end one activity to move on to another. This includes mundane things like watering plants (he wants them to drown) or helping to spoon-feed his little brother (he wants to recreate foix gras). I try to alleviate this by talking through the steps ahead of time, and repeating while we do the activity (we are going to water this plant, that plant, the other plant, then we will go inside and play!)...he usually catches on and will repeat the words with me, but this doesn't always stop the tantrums. Routine helps with this one, too, he knows his bedtime routine and though he might kvetch a bit when I tell him to stop playing, he immediately runs up the stairs for his bath.
2. Sibling Rivalry: Oh brother (pun intended). Since L started crawling (and his main, nay ONLY, impetus for mobility is to get into B's stuff), B has gotten really physically violent towards his little bro. Hitting, knocking over, kicking. Even when I tell him not to do it and am right up in their faces, he will willfully push him in the face until he falls. He is not apologetic and responds to "why did you do that?" with "I don't like my brother". I am usually flabbergasted and have no idea what to do. I've tried taking away the toys in contention, putting B in "time out", or just separating the two. It happens several times a day.
3. General stubborn-ness (or selective hearing): This is the one that gets G steaming mad & yell-y. He argues that B should listen and obey us as a general rule; i.e. when he tells him to come here or do something (even something as mundane as saying "good morning") he should come, so that when his safety is at stake, we can expect the same. I consider this the "dog training" method, and am more into picking battles. These are the situations that really escalate, as B exerts his independence and G tries to exert his authority, and I sit there cringing yet not wanting to show that mom & dad aren't on the same page. He tries time-outs, taking away toys, etc... and nothing really works to be honest. This is where I think a book or some "authority" may help us decide which battles are worth fighting and how we should best fight them.
Any tips, recommendations or general advice? I have a feeling this is one we'll be dealing with for, oh, the next couple of decades!!!
Wow, I don't know. I'm sure we'll have similar discussions at home when Dylan gets a bit older, in particular if there is ever a #2. I think I'm a bit more on the "big softie" end of the spectrum (if you'd believe it!). I never was much into making kids "perform" on command. I feel like if you emphasize the really important stuff, then the kid is more likely to do it, but if you emphasize everything then all you'll end up doing is yelling at the kid. I base this on three years of.... training the dog (I did kick ass at training the dog though, FWIW). So please feel free to take or leave my assvice as you see fit.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you completely...focus on the big things and the little things will come into place. G agrees...in theory. In practice I think he just loses his cool quicker than I do...I say its because he doesn't get enough sleep (I definitely make sleep a priority most nights, like you guys. He does not, staying up til who-knows-when doing who-knows-what just to get "me time")
Delete1-2-3 Magic is good for straightforward discipline techniques. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk would be good for the discipline piece for you but also for helping G understand where B is coming from and how to connect to him, as would Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles.
ReplyDeleteHaving two who are almost exactly B's age, I find that none of the techniques that B uses are effective for toddler stubbornness but connecting on an emotional level works wonders.
I'm the one who loses my cool and is the meanie, and I dread having to face these issues for real. And item #2 sounds particularly hard to tolerate. I've heard good things about the first two the commenter above mentioned, but know nothing about them. If you do find something you think suits you, please tell us!
ReplyDeleteAna -- (You don't have to publish this comment) Completely unrelated, but I saw on another woman's blog advice to tell the daycare ladies to give the baby a pacifier instead of a bottle to prevent "overfeeding" if mom's supply isn't able to keep up with daily demands. Also to "make up the difference" overnight. This for a 3 month+ baby in order to avoid formula. When you posted this a few months back I thought, "Surely she can't seriously be saying that women actually advocate letting your child go hungry during the day if your supply can't keep up, and advocate not sleeping at night." But you were right. It makes me kind of angry that there is this kind of advice floating around out there. It's so anti-woman, and also anti-baby. Hearing it described sounds like child abuse to me, quite frankly.
ReplyDeleteOh I'm totally publishing your comment because its 100% true. Like I mentioned in my post, it is unfair to the mother, the baby, and the childcare providers all at the same time. Honestly (and I am hesitant to say this, but here goes)...if you feel THAT strongly about never using formula, and you just can't pump enough, then you may need to rethink your working situation.
DeleteI guess I'm having trouble figuring out why someone might have feelings that strong about exclusive breastfeeding. Is it that they don't understand the data, and they think that it's healthier to let a baby be hungry than to ever feed them formula? Is it some bizzaro competi-mommy thing where you're determined to EBF no matter what, and the personal sacrifice involved with staying up all night to "reverse cycle" (apparently this has a name?) makes you feel like you're demonstrating superior love and devotion to your baby? Is it misplaced mommy-guilt? Some combination of all three?
DeleteYou and I were children during a time of superior nutrition, and adults now are taller, smarter, and healthier than they ever have been before. Yes obesity is a problem now, but it's a better problem to have than malnutrition (of course some people are malnourished AND obese, but that is another tangent and has nothing to do with formula feeding). When I hear recommendations floating around out there like this that could potentially be so harmful to the baby (not to mention the mom), it makes me concerned that the next generation of adults is not going to do as well.
Honestly, I think its all 3. And I can totally see, to a minor degree, these feelings in myself. And I DO understand the data and know that its not evidence-based...yet...the craziness kicks in and I freak out when G uses pumped milk to mix into the rice cereal instead of dregs of used bottles or even water...and I obsessively count ounces pumped/ounces consumed and inventory the freezer. However, I value sleep & happy babies even more, so that counteracts the crazy.
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