So we got cable hooked up this weekend (it was cheaper to get cable + high-speed internet than to get our usual low-speed internet for a 9-month period). G turned it on so I could see the picture quality (crappy) and we happened to land on the season premiere of The Mindy Project. I only watched a couple of minutes (once the commercial break came on I remembered why I don't watch TV on TV) but I was struck by how unusual it was to see an Indian-American female lead character of a sitcom on a major TV network. I'm certain its never happened before---the only Indian female I can ever recall playing even a small part on television was that girl on ER for a bit (and I she wasn't American).
I was even more struck by how Mindy Kaling would be perceived by a 13-year-old Indian-American girl. I can only imagine how much hope it would've inspired in me at 13 (when all I wanted was the fair skin, blond hair, and blue eyes of the Wakefield twins that I envisioned as the epitome of beauty) to see someone looking kind of like me jump off the screen not as a stereotype, but as a successful, strong, sexy, and hilarious everywoman. I believed (because I was told this, directly and indirectly, by every student and teacher in my school) that my ethnicity doomed me to be the uber-smart, nerdy, unattractive, and boring girl with the weird name for the rest of my life (or until I, you know, "went back to where I came from" which befuddled me because why would I move back to Brooklyn?).
I think beauty pageants are ridiculous, and I had no idea Miss America had even happened until I saw a friend link an article on facebook about how Nina Davuluri would never have succeeded in beauty pageants in India because her skin was too dark. Unfortunately clicking that link led down a scary rabbit hole to multiple articles displaying the horrific racist (and uneducated) tweets and responses to her win. Now I know that most minorities aren't the least bit surprised by this, as Anandi points out in her post. But I, clearly naively, was shocked. Not by the fact that people may hold these opinions---I've heard and experienced plenty of anti-brown sentiment, especially post-9/11. What shocked me was that a lot of the "tweeters" were young girls and boys. Given the ubiquitous infiltration of Asian immigrants into every major and minor city in our fair land, I'd wager a bet that most of them shared sandboxes, juice, and germs with an Indian-American kid at some point in their early childhood education.
This proves to me, beyond a doubt, that simply exposing our kids to "diversity" is not enough. Anyone who thinks we live in a "post-racial" world has never read the comments of any article that mentions our country's president. Love and acceptance may be a default for young kids, but as they grow up, they are listening and watching what their elders say and do. And some of them are hearing explicitly racist viewpoints from their parents and family. Or witnessing exclusionary behavior where somehow only people who look like them are coming around the house and being invited to birthday parties. Saying nothing is not enough to counteract that. We have to talk to our kids about race. Answer their questions, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you. State our beliefs. We have to spread the message of acceptance and love, because the other side is clearly spreading theirs.
I've seen some people argue "well its only a few ignorant people, the majority of people are not like that". I call BS. To quote that disgusting analogy, racists are like roaches---you see one, there are a few hundred more hiding in the baseboards. You don't have to "say racist things" to be a racist or to show your kids how you really feel. You can turn away when someone is trying to talk to you. You can "forget" to send an email inviting participation in the PTA. You can "be too busy" to schedule a playdate, as noted in this post, which incidentally made my chest hurt in fear and anger that this could happen to my boys in a couple of years.
I had hoped things had changed drastically in the 30+ years since my classmates in the deep south told me my skin was dirty, and informed me that my father must own a convenience store and that I must eat monkey brains, and asked me what tribe I'm from and whether I live in a teepee. Nope. Racism and ignorance is alive and well, and we still need to talk about it.
Reading about how that woman's son was treated made me want to vomit. Every so often I think about moving somewhere outside of a progressive city on the east coast/midwest, and then I remember that my husband has an accent. I truly hope neither of your boys ever has to go through any of this.
ReplyDeleteI know, that's exactly how I felt. Vomit-y with rage and sadness. I've lived in the south and yet, the fact that these things still happen (and that was in the 4th largest city in the country) is so gross. Not to dismiss your fears, but at least in terms of the south, it truly is the color of your skin and the religion you "look like" (i.e. if you're white, you "look Christian") that people find important.
DeleteIt is the parents' responsibility to pass on tolerance. In America, that's a lesson that needs as high a priority as anything else the child learns at school or at home. The good news is that each generation gets more progressive than the last, and teaches the next generation better. We are still being influenced by the oldest generation, which was born in the pre-civil rights, pre-feminist era, but in another generation, there will be no one who can remember segregation as law. (Not to say that all people born in the older generation are intolerant; my 90 year old grandfather is the most tolerant person I know.) We are not where we need to be, but we are farther than we were. (Why doesn't that sound at ALL comforting?)
ReplyDelete"the good news is that each generation gets more progressive than the last..."---I really wish I could believe that, but there are many instances in which this is not true. Look at what's going on politically with women's rights! Even our mothers' generation is shocked. But I agree whole-heartedly with your first sentence.
DeleteThank you so much for your perspective on this. I always thought that by just setting a good example for my daughter, she would simply emulate Hubby and I in terms of tolerance, love and understanding. I think I have probably grossly underestimated the outside influences that she will encounter- particularly now that she is in school, and who she interacts with is not entirely within my control. You are absolutely correct- open dialogue with her will play just as big a part in teaching her as setting a good example will. I have such a hard time believing that these attitudes still exist, and that we even have to have these discussions, but I think I'm a little bit naive as well.
ReplyDeleteThanks again Ana- this was a great post!
Thanks for this. I actually used to feel the same---that we live in a "diverse" neighborhood, my kids have kids of all colors in their daycare classes right now, our friends are of different ethnicities---I figured they'd grow up "color blind". As they get older, though, they are going to notice the differences, and its best to address those at home, pre-emptively rather than let them hear what their friends' parents may have taught them. It makes me so uncomfortable when they comment on another person's skin color or religious practice, for example, but they are simply being curious and I should answer honestly so that they feel comfortable coming to us when more nuanced questions come to mind.
DeleteI don't know if love and acceptance are the default for little kids. There seems to be too much biting and lack of sharing for that. Kids have to be socialized. People can socialize them in ways to be tolerant -- but many don't, or push the lever the other way.
ReplyDelete