I can't pinpoint a reason, but I've been feeling exceedingly and increasingly anxious and down the past couple of weeks. Everyone is healthy, we've had some fun times, and even have some more fun times to look forward to this weekend. Yet there it is, that tightness in my chest and churning in my stomach.
It's a mix of things, I suppose. Work has gotten busy and annoying on all fronts. Stupid IRB. Stupid schedulers. And sometimes, yes, stupid patients that call all the damn time for stupid things. I have a call week and weekend starting Monday. I HATE call weekends with a passion. Rounding on patients and families for 6-8 hours and then coming home and having to immediately take over with the kids--not a good set-up for an introvert.
Then there is the extra special fun of a 3 year old and a 2 year old. Tantrums everywhere, hitting/bad words, time outs, picky eating, sibling rivalry, sleep disruptions galore, and simply lots and lots of patience needed. Sometimes more patience than I can draw from my well. All compounded by that underlying knowledge that its going so fast, and these days will never come back.
We are going back and forth on re-financing the house. Which brings to the forefront money and financial stress. And all the things we need to get figured out before we get an appraisal---all of which represent--of course--time or money.
Tensions continue on the marriage front. For all the good intentions, I'm not the least bit surprised to report that we've sunk back into our status quo of quibbling and bickering, me holding things in, and retreating to our separate spaces every evening. The more stressed I get about it, the harder it is to bring up, the more I retreat. The cycle has begun again.
The approaching holidays, as usual, bring the anxiety of disappointing one set of grandparents (and likely two, because its never enough, is it?). Trying to diplomatically plan travel (more time and $$$), B's birthday celebrations, etc...
And I still haven't gotten any Halloween candy.
*patpatpat*
ReplyDeleteWhen things settle down, I definitely recommend trying to find someone to teach you Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). My automatic relaxation breathing kicks in just reading your description of what's going on in this post!
Actually I just ordered the book you had previously recommended to me (Mind Over Mood) on amazon. I wish they had a Kindle edition...I'll have to wait for the paperback next week.
DeleteI'm still a bit turned off from the therapist experience and not quite ready to go down that road again.
I totally get that. I briefly had a talk-therapist from grad school I totally didn't get along with, but she recommended a center for anxiety research at a local university that I was much better able to relate to. CBT is nice because it's got a specific set of techniques that they teach you in the order that they're most likely to work and there's a huge literature with randomized controlled trials backing up everything they suggest. If you're in a city, I'd recommend seeing if any of the universities or hospitals have an anxiety center that does CBT therapy training. That was just so much of a better fit for the way I do things and think about things. It really isn't talk therapy or how to communicate or anything like that, but boy does it make handling emotional upsets so much easier.
DeleteHope the book is helpful! CBT also works best when you do regular practice (so when they say to find a quiet peaceful place and practice breathing every night for X min, then it's really good to do that, because the reactions really do become easier and automatic).
Also, just randomly, Bradley classes use a lot of CBT techniques. :)
I'm so sorry life has been so stressful lately! I'll be praying things start getting better!
ReplyDeletemy opinion: it is totally, TOTALLY being on call that is doing it to both of us this week. bah!
ReplyDelete(I'm not on call, but I've been feeling the same way. So there.) :-)
ReplyDeleteAll of this SUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKSSSS, Ana!!!! Deep breathing and relaxation exercises sooooo do not work for me. I do feel better if I get to rage a little bit. I suppose that's not what the ideal woman would do, but it works for me.
We've been dealing with tantrums every morning about getting dressed. It's seriously awful. But I felt like we had a breakthrough this morning when Dylan started screaming when I started putting on her pants. I responded, "NO NO NO NO PANTS!! Dylan want to put on pants herSELF like a BIG GIRL! But she CAN'T. It's SO FRUSTRATING!! I KNOW!!" I really tried to match her intensity. And you know what? It wasn't perfect, but she let me put on her pants and screamed about 1/10th her usual amount. I didn't even feel that silly as I did it, and it worked so much better than negotiating. This probably wouldn't work with every situation, but I thought I'd throw it out there (Also I was really proud of myself for figuring this out today. Ha.).
I am wishing good call karma on you. And hang in there. It's been tough for a lot of people lately, so take heart that you're not the only one going through this right now.
I totally do this too. It worked the first couple of times, now they just get madder at me.
DeleteHaha. Yeah, I should probably anticipate that this will be in my future.
DeleteI actually do something similar with the kids that is related to like the fifth CBT technique they taught me... taking things to the logical extreme (and then backing down to reality of what the worst that can happen really is). Oh NOOOO, it's the END OF THE WORLD, we're out of cereal bars! Now you have to eat a banana instead. It's horrible. Etc.
ReplyDeletePerhaps it comes off differently in real life, but it seems to me that the main difference in our techniques is that I'm not mocking my kid when I do it. She really feels frustrated, and I'm acknowledging that.
DeleteI think you are both describing the same thing...with the same intention. The technique was mentioned also in "how to talk so your kids will listen..." book. I've found it only marginally successful. It did make ME feel better, but with B, when he's mad, he is MAD and there is no getting him out of it. He needs to work it out himself (with our guidance)
DeleteI suspect my daughter will be like what you're describing, Ana. She's easier than my son in some ways but boy not so much in others.
DeleteI can totally relate to you regarding relationship tension due to kids and stress. My husband and I bicker a lot and often still do after our kids were born. It's gotten better now that we mostly get enough sleep. Another thing that has helped is watching funny movies/TV shows together or listening to music after kids are in bed and talking about other things besides kids/scheduling and chores!
ReplyDeleteSweet Dr. Ana,
ReplyDeleteListen, I have nothing in common with you, sure wish I did. I am de-lurking, finally, just to share with you a quick thought:
You have so much...brilliance, love from many living people, health, a way to support your family. You are suffering so, and your sense of suffering is palpable through the screen. And you seem so filled with goodness, I mean you seem nice.
Dr., in years you will have so much less than you have now. Please feel free to ready the firing squad... is it possible that at your core, maybe there is something about just sort of a negative or pessimistic way of viewing the world? I really don't know if this is the case...but, sometimes developing a cognitive set that allows for shifts in thinking or perspective, having nothing to do with behavior or the environment, is what can be done.
I catastrophize everything. I will never change. Sometimes I try and sometimes I am just crazy.
You are just beautiful and I am rooting for you
Ana- it's not surprising that you have slid back into old patterns with your hubby with all the other stress you have in your life right now. Cut yourself some slack- life is really tough sometimes. Try not to obsess about how much you hate your call week- just take it one day- one call- at a time. Let the kids bicker and fight and nitpick about their food. They won't kill each other, and they won't starve. And try, try, TRY to carve out a tiny bit of time for yourself- even if it's just for a hot bath and a glass of wine- sometimes those little things are all it takes to get you feeling a bit more like yourself again. Hugs sweetie... I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, too. There's just not enough hours in the day sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI have been having a lot of weather-related gloom lately. It's SO GREY! HATE IT! And then I yell at the babies for NOTHING, and hate myself, and hate my husband... I know what I need to do, and I just...can't be bothered.
ReplyDeleteSuggestion that you will probably find stupid and useless? Write down the things you're holding in. It could even be a venting mechanism that you later translate into more neutral language and share with your husband through email or something. But the writing alone allows you to regulate emotional responses via executive control mechanisms. I have a little book in my purse and sometimes there's a page that's full of tiny obnoxious things my husband did...
Oh. My. God. 2 and 3 at the same time?! I knew you're kids were those ages but it never really struck me what that actually means until you wrote it there like that. I can't even imagine. 3.5 and newborn is doing me in, I can't even imagine 3 and 2! Ack! That alone would be enough to make you crazy. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. I sincerely hope it gets better.
ReplyDeleteAbiding with you.
This. Amen.
DeleteIn fairness, this is only true for 3 months of the year (they are 21 months apart). In 2 months I will have a 2 and 4 year old (though I expect it is only marginally different...)
Deleteagree with OMDG. and as someone with a similar age gap (22 months - yours is 21 months, right?) i. am. terrified!!
DeleteSarah, I've mentioned it before, but the earlier days (once we got over the first 3-4 weeks of newborn hell (learning to breastfeed, etc...) that Esperanza is in, were honestly not so bad. It was later, when there were suddenly TWO personalities, two very stubborn, emotionally-unstable, personalities, that it got tough. But there are good parts. I'm going to write about that today.
ReplyDelete