A post-title with a clever double meaning! #1: SHU's reference to "Mosquito Mind"--that all-to-familiar state of being constantly interrupted and without focus and #2: all the time I wasted researching mosquito repellent and shopping for it on Amazon prime only to realize that 30% DEET cannot be air-shipped and will take 4-5 business days to arrive (we leave for Zika-infested-vacation-spot in 4 business days).
Indeed, I have so MUCH I want to write about, vent about, discuss...and yet I can't seem to be able to sit down and formulate a coherent and complete post. I have fallen to the lowest standard of picking the THREE most important work tasks for the day and getting them done ASAP so if the rest of the day goes to hell at least I am moving ahead in my major projects.
I've been struggling a bit...and not just with focus. I had a thought this morning---that perhaps I have internalized a double-standard re: mental health. I can be as scientific, rationale, empathetic, and supportive as anybody you will ever meet when it comes to the mental health issues of EVERYONE IN THE WORLD EXCEPT ME. I would NEVER say or think the things I say and think to myself. I would never tell someone else that this daily weight of anxiety & sadness I've been carrying for over a month now is only caused by "being too negative" and "not trying hard enough" and "not being grateful for what I have" and all manner of bootstrap/self/pull style nonsense.
I did make (and attend!) a first appointment with a new therapist earlier this week. But there was a lot to cover and we only had an hour. We didn't get very deep. And then we are going on vacation next week so it'll be a couple of weeks before I can go back. I think the first 2-3 visits may be "getting to know you" type affairs, before I can feel it actually start to be helpful. I did tell her that I'd like to try a few different mind/mood changing techniques for a few weeks but if I don't feel it helping, I'd like to meet with the provider that prescribes medication.
I just can't get excited or motivated about anything. I do things, and I do feel some satisfaction at getting them done, and some level of enjoyment at seeing other people enjoy them but...something is just not there. I'm not even excited about our vacation. Not at all. Just another list of things to do to prepare and then a LOT of trying to gear myself up to deal with the frustrations and lowered expectations of traveling with my children. Who have been in rare form lately, just...chock full & brimming over with negativity and whining and anger and bad manners.
Anyways. I've only done 2 of my 3 things today so back to work.