Being Ana

Lately I feel like I'm a different, but vaguely familiar, person to who I have been for the past decade or so. I think I'm rediscovering the real me, buried under years of working too hard, sleeping too little, being too anxious and sad and exhausted, to really have much of any personality at all.

Maybe its also age, and giving way less of a fuck what others think. Or my kids growing up and finding a bit of space outside the constant subversion of my wants for their constant, all-consuming ones. Or feeling a much more stable foundation in my marriage and my mental health, upon which I can actually branch out, and grow. 

Probably its a combination of all those things. But its definitely a good thing. 

I've been way more extroverted. Just this month I've planned several social outings as a family, a couple, and myself with friends and colleagues. Last weekend we went to a neighborhood picnic and I mingled and had a blast. We invited other friends over for dinner Sunday. And that was after a mid-week BFF happy hour. Next weekend a triple dinner date and then a concert with G. I got a group of colleagues together for a drink Thursday evening.  I bought plane tickets to visit friends down south this summer for 3 nights, solo. 

I'm reading constantly and unapologetically. 3 books going at any time---phone/kindle/"real" book. Trying new music after years of promising to without actually committing, and excited about seeing more concerts. Instead of trying to plan things every minute of the weekend to stay out of the house, I'm enjoying our time at home. There is puttering. I missed puttering. It leads to ideas, and creativity, and conversations that sometimes just need space to evolve. The constant need to DO DO DO was driven at least in part by my fear of stillness, and the thoughts and feelings that would invade.

Writing it out it seems minimal and pretty mundane, but life certainly feels different. And better.