Back to the surface

After feeling like I was underwater for a while, I'm feeling like a normal human person again, and the latter part of this week has been great in lots of ways.

Weekend plans:

1) Brunch at our house after a rainy 5K tomorrow AM (honestly, I'm about 50/50 on actually running, but if the kids want to do their 1.5 mile race, I will brave the rain with them and continue on for the extra miles).

2) Making soup! Its 100% soup weather. I'm actually planning on making TWO KINDS this weekend: curried cauliflower & African peanut, because G asked for the peanut but I also happen to have a cauliflower I need to use.

3) Splitting up the boys for some time both days so that we don't have to deal with the fighting and hitting and yelling. I don't care which kid or what we do, but o.m.g. I need a break from the constant shenanigans. Options: library,  grocery shopping, Halloween costume assembling (for B...details to come), board games

4) Putting up the Halloween decorations. I had no energy. It rained. Then I was out the past few nights. Poor L has been asking me literally since October 1st and I've put him off for some reason or another (usually "I'm tired" and "its raining" and "I have to make dinner").

Anyways, trying to finish up and go get brunch groceries before I get the kids and we go home for pizza and early-ish bedtime (because the run is at EIGHT AM and we need to be there early to pick up our bibs). The kids don't get up until 7:30 on weekdays, and its weird to have to get them up even earlier on a weekend but maybe they will go to bed early Saturday night? ha. ha ha ha ha ha.

Just can't get enough....

Sleep, that is. Or rest, really. Restful sleep?

I've been so so so so tired. I've stripped down my life to the core essentials and yet I still struggle to make it through the day lately. I've been needing 8-9 hours of sleep which...doesn't leave a lot of room for anything else.

I decided to talk to my psychiatrist about getting off the P@xil, because its a known sedating drug, so I'm on a slow wean off. I went last week from 25 to 20 mg and this weekend to 15 mg. When I get to 10 mg (and I keep putting this off because I'm a little scared), I'm supposed to add some Proz@c because there are real psychological withdrawal symptoms with coming off P@xil, apparently.

If anything, I've been even more exhausted as I've lowered the doses. I'm trying to be kind to myself---I'm sleeping in, eating a bit more (I was also constantly hungry since I was trying to lose weight), skipping workouts and unessential tasks. I get my work done, take care of the kids, and go to bed. I definitely notice that I'm more anxious and overall more emotional. I feel kind of nauseous (eating helps) and achey all over (compounded by the flu shot I got Friday!)

I skipped a camping trip with the boys and stayed home this weekend to organize winter clothes, meal plan & prep for the week, and generally take care of things so that I could conserve energy through the week.

I just want to feel like myself again. I hope this medication change helps.

Humpty Dumpty had a great...

Hello again. I've been swinging wildly between immense joy and delight in spending time with my family and friends and...utter despair and rage at my realization that more than half the inhabitants of this country are misogynistic racist insert word for horrible people here.

And then there is the usual stress of work and home and life in general. I'm still trying to lose weight, and get an R01 and publish papers and increase my clinical RVUs and exercise and spend time with my husband and kids and keep the house in semi-reasonable order.

Highlights: L's birthday weekend & sister visit. Kid-Free friend outings including Harry Potter quizzo brunch. Low key date night with yummy pasta and wine. A paper got accepted! (2 got rejected, but I'm revising them now).

I'm on a call week/weekend now, and its going OK so far. I'm using this week as a time to really focus on good habits and NOT treating myself with junk food & junk media. I used a bit of unexpected downtime yesterday to write my list of 100 dreams (inspired by the Best of Both Worlds podcast). I had actually started one last year and only made it to 30, so I changed a few (why did I want to make a cheesecake? Or meditate for 30 minutes? And I already went to see Hamilton) and added 70 more. I realized that there was some low-hanging fruit in there so I officially made a list within a list of the 7 things I want to do this fall:

1) Go camping with the dog (we are planning this for later this month!)
2) Try hot chicken (going to Nashville for a conference so I can make this happen)
3) Do a 5 minute plank (I actually was able to to this a couple of years ago, I just built up to it using a plank challenge program and I can do it again!)
4) Laser hair removal on my legs/bikini area. I started doing my armpits this summer and its awesome. I'm going back next week for another session and will schedule the leg/bikini session for November, when my tan will be fully faded (you can't do it if you have a tan)
5) Take the kids to a Broadway show. B wanted to go to New York around his birthday to see the big Christmas tree and stuff and I'm looking into getting tickets to Lion King or Matilda
6) Try crossfit. There is a gym nearby. I will go there one day.
7) Find the perfect cute/comfy/warm sweater/layer to wear in my office. I am browsing online and have some contenders of sweater/fleece hybrids WITH THUMBHOLES! It is FREEZING in my office and I throw on this ugly fleece with our work logo on it but I'd like something I can actually keep on when I run to a meeting

And that is it. I see a few more things that may actually get done this fall, but no big reaches for right now. "Go to South America" and "Write a book" will wait for another season in life.