My brain, that is. Here's some of the jumble....
L is not sleeping anymore. It started 3 weeks ago, after explaining to a friend how well he's been sleeping for the past five months. Yes, I believe I jinxed it. He's a little night time monster. But damn that baby is irresistible during the day. Such a fantastic age, 6-12 months. Pure joy at being alive. He wants to eat EVERYTHING and does so with gusto. He is so proud of all his new, daily growing skillz, like eating, cruising, clapping & blowing raspberries. He shrieks, jumps, claps in sheer delight of anything, nothing, everything. If only I could bottle that & save it forever.
B is two and a half. He is 50% sunshine, 50% black clouds. You never know what you're going to get. Its a difficult age. He is very sensitive & has such strong feelings. He has been crying & withdrawn sometimes at daycare lately. Yet he comes home jumping and singing. He was, is, and will likely always be a challenge to parent. He asks "Why?" constantly, repeatedly & sometimes it makes me laugh & sometimes it breaks my heart. "Why do you have to go to work mommy?" "Why????"
We've been trying to do a lot together as a family this summer, and its been good...but we both feel isolated a lot. One of the best days we had was when some friends came over for dinner & we wrangled our combined 5 under-three-year-old boys together. I think we were meant to do this in a community, not shut off in our little houses by ourselves. I wish we had more neighborhood friends. The drop-in, spur-of-the-moment, spend-an-afternoon-together kind, not the plan 3 months in advance to meet for a one-hour brunch kind.I remember my childhood being spent in the company of my parents' friends & their families...I think my children are going to remember a different kind of life.
I'm tired. And its not just the sleep. Or maybe it is...and the sleeplessness is permeating everything else, too? When we're tired, G & I talk less, its back to survival mode, where I go up to bed as soon as the chores are done, even though I know I won't be able to sleep for a couple of hours. I just don't want to do anything.
Sometimes I wonder if I am capable of being truly happy. The constant
thinking, analyzing, worrying, planning going on in my brain are a bit
of a buzz-kill. When things are good, I'm waiting for the other shoe to
drop. When things are bad, well...sometimes I feel more comfortable in
that scenario, as there is nowhere to go but up?