As much as I may say I long for excitement, for moving on to bigger & better, for reaching into the future and grabbing what life has to offer, I've realized that I am actually fundamentally opposed to change in my life. I get woefully, hopelessly attached to phases in my life, more so than locations or people.. My past reflects this: years of schooling, more years of training, then back for further schooling/training. Now I'm still in the same place as colleagues have moved on to private practice, or academics in new institutions for way more money, respect, free time.. I got my own lab space 6 months ago but I hesitate to fully move my operations out of the mentor's lab I've been in for 5 years. I've never actually ended a romantic relationship, because no matter what problems I might see in the union, I'd rather the devil I know than the devil I don't. I don't like change.
I've been thinking about this tendency in myself and wondering how much this actually affects my family-building desires. I'm a mother of young children right now; in a few short years, I won't be---unless I have another. Is my desire to stay in this life stage a part of my wanting of another child? As hard and exhausting as it is, as seductive as the freedoms inherent in NOT having small children can be, I am finding the idea of moving permanently out of that phase hard to accept.
By the way, thanks as always for all your support on those last couple of posts. I feel like I do "hit and run" blogging, throwing out some angst and disappearing for a while. My excuse this time is that I've been sick---3 different overlapping illnesses in 2 weeks. On top of daylight savings time shift. Blech. Hope you all are healthy and that spring is springing where you are. They are calling for snow tomorrow here.