Sometimes you can lie to yourself so well that you really truly believe it. You go about your days giving it nary a thought, which proves to yourself & others that you are "over it" and "OK with things". And then something rips the scar open and you can't breathe and are hiding in your office with the door barred shut, typing away the tears pricking the back of your eyes.
A colleague, a one-time friend, who was having a bit of difficulty trying to conceive around the same time we started and was a great source of comfort at the time...just announced his wife's third pregnancy. Everyone is congratulating & joking & slapping on the back. It only got louder & more jovial when another colleague, belly bursting with her third & fourth children (whose second was born a month before L) joins the group. I just...can't.
I really truly thought I'd moved on from this long-ago dream. But no. Buried, but not dead.
Confused. You want a third now? Or you want one but can't imagine doing it?
ReplyDeleteBoth. I really really really want another one---not NOW, but soon. G not on board.
DeleteTwo words: au pair. Seriously. Do you have any idea how amazing it is to have help? A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. She like, does ALL THE EVENING CHORES. All of them. Just think about what that could mean for you and G.
DeleteThat and maybe move the 'burbs where everything is cheaper. But seriously, if you want one and can afford it, why the heck not! Maybe wait until L is 2 before attempting again? I hear that a 3 year age gap is waaaaaaayyyyyy easier to deal with than a two year gap.
I also used to have lofty dreams of three. When we got our recent diagnosis and realized how hard just having one more would be I considered it a blessing as I had more reason (than just MV's refusal) not to pursue a third. If we do end up bringing home another live baby I'm sure there will be moments when I pine after a third. And I'm sure it will hurt. I hope this pain passes quickly and that your family comes to an agreement about what is best for you all, be that sticking with two or having a third. Good luck.
ReplyDeletei had no idea you were going through this - i'm so sorry. feel your pain as it took us 2.5 years to have 1.
ReplyDeletei know this won't make you feel any better but i used to want 3 and now i really just want two! i just don't want my focus spread any wider than that, even if that doesn't make any sense.
I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Wanting makes the heart heavy. I hope the burden eases.
ReplyDeleteI know that pain and the sting of those tears. It's especially bad when caught you're off-guard. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, sweetheart. I was at this thing recently on women in academia and there was a slide reading "academic women report having fewer children than they would like" and I totally started crying. Discretely, of course. I hope the pain faded quickly.
ReplyDelete