Or where I ask the internet for advice that I might actually follow (this time).
I
noticed today that I have recently written several comments urging
bloggy-friends to seek professional help, or to congratulate them for
seeking same help. Yet...
I have pointedly ignored several comments on my own blog from bloggy-friends suggesting that I myself seek professional help.
I
know several bloggers that have eloquently and generously shared their
own therapy experiences, which I found immensely helpful in
understanding what to expect in both individual and marital counseling.
And I am certain it would help. But I can't seem to take the first
step.
Why? Good old-fashioned laziness. And the
tried-and-true, "oh I don't want to be a bother"-itis, wherein I don't
want to take time or money for myself when certainly I could just PULL
IT TOGETHER FOR THE LOVE ANA, there is nothing really WRONG, is there???
And
then I'll feel that sinking feeling I get walking home from work on
Friday night, imaging an entire weekend full of opportunities for
potentially yelling at my kids, or picking a fight with my husband, or
hiding in the closet for a freaking moment of peace. Or I'll be sobbing
in the bathroom, shaking with rage and disappointment after yet another
pointless circular fight with G.
I think I need to talk to someone. But here is the question:
Any
opinions on whether I should see someone for myself, or whether (since a
lot of my issues are indeed related to communication issues with G)
should we see someone together?
Pros for going myself:
I don't need to involve G or "convince" him to go, its covered by
insurance, I can only change myself so maybe I should focus on that. Maybe I can't work on the marriage until I've worked on myself?
Pros
of going together: Finally, FINALLY (hopefully) an outside person that
can help us break out of 10-year-old unproductive patterns of
communication and fighting. To finally be able to know what he's
thinking instead of constantly guessing and assuming and often getting
it wrong. G is remarkably resistant to anything I tell him second hand, and immediately responsive to first-hand recommendations from "authority figures" or third parties.
What do you guys think?
I've not got firsthand experience myself, but it sounds like the relationship issues are what's really bothering you, so I'd say try getting the couples' therapy first. If that doesn't pan out you can fall back on individual therapy.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with it!
There was a start-up I read about recently that taped 2 minute interviews with therapists. That way you could tell, pretty quickly, if it was the kind of person you'd want to be sharing your life with on an ongoing basis. I thought it was a brilliant idea. Finding the right therapist is probably a major hurdle for busy people who'd like to see one.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like a great idea! I am daunted by the idea of looking in my insurance book and picking someone based on location or "nice-sounding name"
DeletePersonally, I would start out seeing someone alone. When things are particularly rough- and it certainly sounds like they are- it's very hard to tease out whether or not your personal issues are wreaking havoc on your relationship, or if it's the other way around. You are much too close to the situation to see it clearly, but a professional will be able to give you a fresh perspective, and perhaps see what is really driving all of the turmoil.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Laura- finding the right person is key. If you aren't happy with the first person you see, try someone else. It took me a very long time to find my psychiatrist, and I've been with her for almost 15 years now!!!
Oh yeah.... big hugs to you....
DeleteShould have said that in the first place, but as you know, I'm not thinking clearly today...
Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it. I know you're having a tough time today.
DeleteAH! Just painstakingly wrote a long comment on my phone and then it ate it! BASTARDS!
ReplyDeleteSo now I'm trying again on my computer.
I am specifically not reading the other comments so I can give my opinion without their input. Just so you know. (And sorry if I'm being redundant, or contrary. I suppose neither is very helpful). I will say that I have spent many, many (most of my adult life) years in personal therapy and many, many months (at different times during our relationship) in couples counseling so I do have experience with both. I hope my advice helps.
I would recommend seeing someone by yourself first. By doing that you can work on what you can control, which is your expectations and your responses to situations. That way you can feel better about how you deal with certain situations, or how certain situations affect you, without having to worry about what others are willing (or promising) to do. Working alone lets you explore all sorts of stuff that you might be feeling and to process how your spouse is making you feel, which is easier to do when he is not around. You can also get help figuring out what you need, which you can always articulate to him without being in couples counseling.
After you've been for a while by yourself and have made the changes you feel you can make, then you can reassess if going as a couple seems right for you. I definitely felt like going as a couple was VERY helpful for some of our issues (mostly moving to an agreement when we felt very differently about a course of action) and less helpful about on going problems (like MV's involvement in parenting and housework). For the big problems, having an unbiased third party was invaluable and we were able to come to an accord about what to do after a few months of weekly (or twice monthly) visits. The other problems seem to be ongoing, even if we are getting help and I don't know if any amount of couples counseling would really improve those issues. Having said that, I do think it's worth TRYING, even if your issues are ongoing. Every couple (and every man) is different.
So that would be my advice. Good luck making a decision.
thanks E, I was hoping you would chime in, since you are the one person I've read that has openly discussed couples counseling! This sounds very reasonable.
DeleteBoth is good! (You can always ask G what he thinks, attacking it from a problem solution standpoint-- I feel like we've been having communication problems, and I wonder if couples therapy might help. What do you think?) Yourself is fine too. I've only done therapy for anxiety and my blogging partner in crime has done it for depression and anxiety. There are different therapies for different types of issues-- I really benefited from the anxiety specific CBT, but that probably wouldn't help your specific needs.
ReplyDeleteI also have a book recommendation: Crucial Conversations. (Or Crucial Confrontations, but we haven't read that one.) At some point I'll finish my blog-post on it, but it really does sound like exactly what you need right now in order to help foster an environment in which you and your family can communicate.
One of the things I learned while rooming with #2 on the blog in high school was how to use non-threatening language (something I think she picked up in therapy, but I dunno). It really does make a difference in how one's conversational partner reacts and how the conversation ends up going. Using "I" statements instead of "You" statements can sound hokey, but it helps a lot.
#2 also has a big long spiel about finding a good therapist fit-- definitely start off with an interview with prospective therapists, as suggested above. My first therapist was completely useless (we did not get along-- she didn't believe me when I said the truth so I started lying to her, for example) except that she referred me to the local CBT clinic.
Good luck!
Thanks, I've heard of that book (actually in reference to work relationships) but have not read it yet.
DeleteI've actually been working on tips I've read about "fighting fair", including the "I" instead of "you" and avoiding "you always" type statements...but still. And I actually think CBT may help...I think my major issue is anxiety...which underlies all the rest and probably is the first thing I need to get a handle on.
CBT is amazeballs. It's also what they use in Bradley class for natural childbirth. It takes practice but it totally changed my life even more than just the test anxiety I was getting it for. I'm so much of a calmer person now. Every time I start getting anxious my deep breathing automatically starts up. Personally I think everybody should get trained in it starting in high school!
DeleteIt also has the benefit that it's a set of specific techniques and once you've learned them, or learned even a set of them, you can stop going to therapy. The one I did was a 6 week program, IIRC. (They graduated me a little early because I responded really well to the early techniques, which makes sense as they teach the most effective ones first.) I went to a university program, which was nice, though I had to wait a few months before they could see me. A private practitioner might not be as systematic, but may have less of a wait.
The CBT place I went to recommended Mind Over Mood and The Thoughts and Feelings Handbook while I waited to be seen. They were also helpful.
I am no help - called my insurance to ask about coverage, printed out names of covered therapists, googled them all... Can NOT get myself to call & make that appointment. So I'm right there with you.
ReplyDeleteAs far as couples vs individual therapy, though, I'd say start with whichever seems least scary to you. That way at least you're starting. Good luck! Maybe if you do it, I will too
I started with individual therapy and never got to couples therapy. I think I learned to be more accepting and mindful of my own actions and words. My husband also went to therapy on his own. Couples therapy may still be in our future but I have seen a difference due to talk therapy (and medication). Best of luck!
ReplyDeletei don't have experience (yet) but my inclination was also going yourself first for some reason -- not even sure why. but, perhaps mention both options to G and see what his thoughts are. who knows - maybe he's been thinking about asking YOU about it. also agree with the comment that whichever sounds the least scary!
ReplyDeletei am in the same position as you, though. things are a bit better for me but i just feel like i'm better off seeing someone and sort of airing things out NOW rather than post newborn when i'm truly crazy from sleep deprivation/etc.
also: just throwing this out there, but i feel better just THINKING about how i have a babysitter set up for a few hours (actually as a mother's helper, so i'm not even LEAVING) this weekend. not saying that's the whole solution for you, but it sounds like both you AND g might need a break. (and no, work isn't a break).
OMG totally with you on the childcare over the weekend. I think if I had to do-over the first year post-baby it would have been to hire a babysitter for a standing date / alone time on Saturday or Sunday. Of course at the time I felt a bit paralyzed so of course hindsight is 20/20. So glad we have help in place now. Not sure what my problem was the first time around....
Delete"first time around..."???
DeleteGo with your husband if he's willing to. If not, go by yourself. I'm happy to share info if you want it.
ReplyDeleteYes please.
DeleteHeh. I certainly find that making myself make the call is a huge hurdle. I guess it's a really strange thing to do, in a way...I mean, it's not like most of us are great at calling a professional when something is wrong with our BODIES. Why on earth would it be easy to call one when something is wrong with our spirits or minds? But that's all therapy is--an auto mechanic tuning up your psyche. I say take the path that gets you in therapy fastest, and that probably means going alone. Only one schedule to deal with, only person who has to like the therapist, only one location to consider...
ReplyDeleteI'm late to the party but I definitely think it helps to do some alone, even if hubby is willing to go to couples' counseling as well. We found our premarital counselor through our EAP benefits, randomly, and he turned out to be great, but I definitely agree with trying them out until you find a good fit, if you don't have a close friend who can recommend someone. It's obviously a very personal thing, so it's worth spending some time to get someone who works well for you. Good luck!!
ReplyDeleteHi Ana, it sounds like you already got some great advice. Here is my humble opinion: 1) therapy can be truly life-changing if you find the "right" person; 2) finding the "right" person is easy if you're willing to ask around (I found my therapist through my primary care doctor, whose opinion I trust); 3) working on yourself first will make it easier to work on your marriage second. You might even be able to find someone who does individual AND couples therapy, and can work with you for awhile before bringing your husband in. That might make your husband more comfortable with the idea, if he's seen positive changes in your life as a result of therapy, and gets to know the therapist a bit through you before he goes himself.
ReplyDeleteI'm impressed with your honesty and ability to put yourself out there through this blog. That's something I could never have done, pre-therapy. Therapy helped me find writing, and that alone was life-changing for me. Good luck!