I used to be _____ but now I am _____
I used to be creative, now I am (what's the opposite of creative, see I can't even creatively think of a word) boring.
As a child, even a young adult, I loved to make things: poems, short stories, songs, drawings, art projects, paper mache turtles and mosaic coasters, Christmas ornaments, cross-stitched place mats. If I didn't make it from scratch, I could still fancy it up. Now I just...can't. I tried to get into the sewing things last year and while it was fun to dream up projects, buy fabric on-line, and even whip up a few easy pieces, the steep learning curve I would have to scale to really excel (or even progress beyond the paperbag-waisted skirt and velcro closure lunchbag) completely turned me off. I've become so relentlessly efficient about everything. The thought of expending time and energy when I could simply buy it with one click, the thought of decorating and embellishing when it works fine as is just doesn't jive with my get-it-done mindset.
I used to be open, now I am closed-off. There was little going on in my head that I didn't share with my close friends or significant others. My primary coping mechanism was to discuss things with someone. It helped immensely. Now I keep it all in and I am certain that at least part of my increasing anxiety is due to this tendency. But the more you wall yourself off, the harder it is to open back up. I'm not really sure how to go about it.
I used to be funny, now I am serious. I was so good at laughing about the absurdities in the world, and particularly in myself. A huge part of my relationship with G was based on our mutual sense of humor. Not infrequently, he has been incredulous at how I took something seriously that was quite clearly a joke. I laugh at and with my kids, but I've noticed that I can sometimes go days without a real deep belly laugh this days.
I used to take pride in my work, now I am a half-asser. (Not WORK-work, but things I do. I don't half-ass my career-related stuff, obviously!) I was never a perfectionist (have you noticed how people like to blather on about their problems with perfectionism? Humble-brag much?) but I did often go the extra mile so that any projects or school-work that saw the light of day looked presentable or better. I had impeccable handwriting. I used to wrap presents nicely and add a bow. Now my presents look like my dog slapped see-through tissue paper and too much Scotch tape on them. I do things quickly, rather than methodically, with more thought to crossing it off the list than creating a polished product.
I had a few more in my head when I planned this post, but I can't remember them now. I realize that I lot of these changes are simply due to changes in age and circumstance. Its developmentally appropriate to be attached to your friends as a teen and I imagine you grow out of it as an adult. And when time is scarce, throwing that gift for a 3-year-old in a re-used bag instead of hunting up the wrapping paper and curling some ribbon certainly makes sense. But I miss some of those aspects of the old me---the spontaneous, creative, open and funny old me. I wonder where she went?
That's depressing! And probably not completely true, either. Or at least taking the negative view of growing older. For example, that last could be, "I used to have more time to pay attention to small details, but now I focus on the important things in life."
ReplyDeleteHell, all of the above could be rephrased that way, "I used to have time for things that are no longer as important to me as the things I spend time on now."
Kids and a full-time job will do that to a person. Personally I wouldn't trade back. I get a lot more utility out of my job and out of spending time with my kids than I ever did out of any of the things I did from boredom as a child and teenager. I'm also much more selective about who I spend my time with, and I prefer it that way!
Hmmm. I didn't find it so depressing. I see your point, but I also think I'm just realizing I want a bit more "sparkle" back in my life, and I"m considering how to make time/energy for that. I definitely don't want to in any way go back to my life as a teenage, there are many many many many positives to getting older (including those you stated). And I hope to continue to focus on what is important, but make a little bit more effort to strengthen the relationships I do have, and to add some sort of creative outlet to my life.
Deletei have to admit this post made me sad, too. (it also brought me back to this judy blume book from the late 80s or early 90s called "just as long as we're together", where the main character writes an essay filling in that blank with 'optimist').
ReplyDeletealso agree with nicoleandmaggie that perhaps some of this could be reframed positively - as in, previously you were more fanciful and less practical, or previously you were more caught up in details and less able to focus on the important things . . .
Yeah, I focused on the negatives for the post. There are definitely positive changes I've noticed in myself. I was planning on writing about those separately....
DeleteOnce again, you've hit the nail on the head. I could have written this myself. I do miss being carefree, laughing at the little things, being an all-around optimistic person. Yes, I am more focused on what is important now, and I am better at managing my time, but that doesn't make me miss the person I used to be just a little. I think many of us in the ALI community look back with a sense of longing or wistfulness- this journey changes us, and life has taught all of us some hard lessons. I think it's pretty normal to feel this way.
ReplyDeleteI think there are definitive transitions in life and that you are self-aware enough to chronical some changes here means that you have gone/are going through one and will likely re-claim a newer version of your life as a result.
ReplyDeleteCould it be that you are creative now in other/different ways?
The only thing of concern to me is your tendency to internalize now. It simply isn't healthy. Even if all you do is write a post (not even publish it), it gives the thoughts/feelings a place to go and be and breathe vs. take up space and wreak havoc on your physical being. Just a thought.
Yes on the internalizing. Just going through this exercise made me realize how much I've been doing that (and how it is definitely contributing to my anxiety). I do write posts and not publish them, but it doesn't quite help the way a real live sounding board would. Its the feeling of being understood, and the give & take that are comforting to me.
DeleteWell, I'm not much for crafting, so it's a little hard for me to relate to feeling sad about not doing those things.... but I will say I HIGHLY doubt that you are less creative. You are a scientist, lady. Being creative is what you do. So, there's less creativity left over for other stuff. Maybe?
ReplyDeleteNot laughing as much -- I noticed this about myself recently too. I remember when I was 12 sitting at the lunch table with my friends morphing every thing we said into some sort of perverted innuendo and practically crying and falling on the floor because we were all laughing so hard. I really miss that. Laughter is good for the soul. I wonder why we don't do that anymore?
Maybe you just need to pick one project -- since you're into crafts and whatnot, maybe a crafty project? -- and allow yourself to just get immersed in it some weekend day when G has taken the kids off your hands. Or allow yourself to get lost in something that catches your fancy some day when you really should be doing something else, and refusing to feel guilty about it.
The friends things is tough. I think as people get older they get busier and more closed off and have less time to get to know potential friends. But maybe people get less picky too, and you don't need to be the be-all-and-end-all soul mate of every potential friend you meet. Less risk, right? And maybe even more healthy in some ways. If you figure this one out, let me know.
"Crafty"...oh no no no no no. That's exactly it, I haven't done anything remotely crafty in about 15 years. Its not lack of time, I just don't have it in me anymore. And to be fair, when I did do crafts, I was a child, and they were certainly child-caliber offerings. Nothing I would've photographed and put on Pinterest, if it had existed.
DeleteIts more that I've lost the desire or ability to be creative. Outside of science, if that counts...not sure it does, but maybe. With writing, cooking, decorating, dressing...everything is so rote and focused on getting it done the fastest. It may well be that I prioritize other things more, but I feel like I've lost this creative energy that I used to have.
Like, if I had a weekend day to myself, I'd probably read a book, watch something on TV and take a nap. Maybe do some decluttering and organizing. Go out to meet friends if possible. Certainly not anything creative or crafty.
Deletei think craftiness is sort of trendy now and potentially overrated. i do not craft anything tangible and don't even feel the slightest bit sorry about that :)
Deletethis blog, by the way, could be considered a bit of a craft [i think of mine as one even though i don't write in a highbrow or arty style and focus on practical things]. creativity can be just learning and talking about new ideas, music, etc. and appreciating books, art, good tv are all worthy endeavors too even if not straight-up 'creative'.
I think it is time though-- or the mental load aspect of it. If you had time off from your job and your kids, you'd probably do something "crafty" or "creative". Whenever I get more than two weeks off, there's a period of fretting, a period of boredom, and then "creativity". But believe me, I'm happier when my creativity is going towards my work than towards crafts or creative writing. I love it when I use my creativity for Science.
DeleteAlso, blogging totally counts.
My cooking creativity resurfaced between DC1 being older and DC2 existing. I'm sure it will come back when DC2 is 4 or 5. I'm looking forward to the day when I'll be able to again read something not for work that is more difficult than my third reread of a Georgette Heyer. And if we're really being honest here, I have a difficult time watching tv that isn't 2x or 4x with subtitles on! This too shall pass, as it has before.
You might enjoy the book Willpower by Baumeister.
That does make sense...if I had a few weeks off, I can see that happening. cooking is def. one of the things I would love to feel more creative with. Maybe it'll come in time... I HAVE started reading again, it really picked up after L got a bit older and didn't eat at night.
DeleteAnd Sarah, YES it has gotten annoyingly trendy to "craft". That's why I purposefully did NOT use that word. I'm not a "crafter" but I'd like to more creative with: activities for the kids on the cold home-bound days, cooking (for us, not the kids), even writing.
DeletePretty sure your life went more or less the same place as mine: sucked into the bottomless void that is having small(ish), and therefore needy, children. I hear it gets better as they grow older but part of me is convinced that's just a myth, like Atlantis.
ReplyDeleteYes, trying to get out of the void, but its one step forward, 2 back. I don't see it easing up but I've heard tales of wonder...
DeleteWhat exactly do you mean by 'not being creative'? Because there is creative, and there is 'creative'. I do not do self-made cards, for example, because I do not have the ideas that would make that worth while, and I so do not like childish cards made by adults. When one grows up, it is expected that the crafts one produces be of higher quality, and since my crafted products are crap, I do not waste my time on that. Recycling bottles to make xmas ornaments - WHY? They look cheap, and i so much prefer to rest when I can to cutting plastic bottles to make some stupid ornaments. I very much do hate this trend of 'recycle old whatever to do cheap-arse looking items you don't need just to show off your craftiness and creativity'. And honestly, if i hear one more thing about reusing old pallets to create new pieces of furniture, I would fucking explode. - Yes, I have this stupid fb acquaintance who does that and I unfriended him, but friends still comment on his posts and they appear in my feed. Bugger.
ReplyDeleteRight. S that is the craft part sorted for me. I hope for you too.
How about being creative in your permanent position of household manager? You have to create a schedule for cleaning, cooking, family outings, kindergarten activities and supplies, and the rest of million other tasks mothers are supposed to keep up with?! You did not have to create any of that when you were not in charge, because they were miraculously done overnight by invisible house elves. Now responsibility made those elves visible, and they are all working in your head. Creative enough? And do not tell me you do not make up stories for your children. Even when you hall-ass you shortcut way through too long a story, that is creativity alright.
Belly laughs : my MIL belly laughs all the fucking time, drives me batty, but that might be because I loathe the woman so much. Still, I am resentful when I am told that I should enjoy life more, and laugh more, especially by her. And that is when it is such a good thing that. I internalise more these days, because letting people know what i think is most of the times a less advisable idea. I have to find a way to better let steam off, because sometimes it is slightly a nuisance. But overall, internalising has turned out to be a good thing in my case.
You, I'd love to get a beer with someday. Too bad you are on a different continent. I love your attitude.
DeleteSo many people have so many great comments here. I would echo what all of them say. And just empathize with you. I have really changed as a person in the last ten years, and not always in ways that I appreciate. But there are good changes in there too, they are just harder to recognize. I hope you write the post about the changes that you see as positive. I'd love to read it.
ReplyDeleteJust want to say I empathize. I miss the carefree person I used to be, too! I had a longer comment but it disappeared on me and I don't want to retype it.
ReplyDelete