There's a lot of talk about time these days: making the most of it, or "managing" it to cram more into each of your hours. I know I have the minutes and hours to achieve everything I'd like to in my life, that's not the issue. My issue is energy: physical, mental, and even emotional.
Am I just lazier than others, that seem to be able to work at full tilt 40+ hours a week, take care of their home and families and marriage and friendships and health and and and and… Because I'm struggling to give even the 3 basic foundations of my life the attention they need right now. I wish I could think of a good analogy, but basically the more I give to my marriage and kids, the less there is for my career, or vice versa. I've been putting a lot of effort into improving my relationship with G, and I've been spending a lot of time building bonds with my kids…and my work is decling. For the past couple of years I've been charging ahead at work, and by default, giving a lot of attention and energy to my young kids…and my marriage stagnated.
While I may have reserves of time, I use 100% or more of my energy to get through each day. So when I try to make my life richer or fuller by adding something, that energy has to come from somewhere. And these days its been work. Which is fine in the short term, I'm incredibly lucky to have that flexibility, but will quickly start to become problematic when the publications aren't piling up.
I've tried really hard to strip down what isn't important. I'm trying to take care of myself to optimize the energy I do have, but it really is a zero sum game. Maybe I need some uppers.
I get you. I'm still hoping I'll come around once I start getting regular full nights of sleep. But maybe that's just wishful thinking. (For me it's the work that's suffering. I should really get back to it.)
ReplyDeleteAlso I notice a real difference when I remember to take that @#$ing Vitamin D supplement. @#$$^#@$ing vitamins making me tired when I don't take them.
DeleteI get you totally! I don't even HAVE a marriage or kids, and I still struggle a lot with the energy thing...
ReplyDeletefor me, it ebbs and flows, and it's often oddly all or nothing (game ON or utter failure). i am thankful that with a clinical job there just isn't the option of getting too behind at work. i did a lot of procrastination and such in my research work, but that was because i really didn't enjoy it. at all.
ReplyDeleteare you burned out at work? could you shift projects or perhaps go more clinical? is there something you'd like to do more than what you're doing? (the answer to these might be a resounding no but for me really feeling engaged all day has been a huge improvement)
I had similar thoughts to Sarah, re burnout. Maybe you need a change at work? Something more clinical? More administrative? I think you CAN do it, but maybe the motivation just isn't there at the moment. So glad thing seem to be going better at home, though!
ReplyDeleteIs the fifth dimension a reference to A Wrinkle in Time? A Tesseract (or whatever that was)?
DeleteAs MV and I always say, something has to give. In our house it's the general state of things. The whole house is in a CONSTANT state of disarray. Sometimes it's down right disgusting. I have a really hard time keeping it clean, and some of that is my ADD but some of it is just that I don't want to spend the time on it.
ReplyDeleteI remember when I downloaded the Motivated Moms app and really followed it for a month and I realized, hey, when someone is telling me what to do, I can keep my house clean. But I also realized, HOLY SHIT, this takes A LOT OF TIME. No wonder I don't have a clean house, I'd need to sacrifice 30-60 minutes A DAY to doing this shit. And frankly, I just don't care enough about it spend that kind of time. I'd MUCH rather write blog posts and comment! ;)
So I get it. When my kids were born my job took a big, BIG hit. I became a worse teacher, WITHOUT QUESTION. I stopped trying anything new. I started doing the bare minimum. I was investing all my energy, both physical and emotional, at home. I just didn't have anything left for my students. At least, not what I used to have. I was just thinking that even though the new stuff at school for next year fell through, I can still make some changes in my classroom just because I want to. I have to see if I feel like I have the energy, but if it's there, I'm going to try to care again. We'll see if I can manage it. ;)
I get it. I totally do. There is only so much time and energy we can give. We only have so much bandwidth. Something's gotta give...
You're so not lazier than others! Things/life always looks easier from the outside.I'm totally there with you. I even have to decide between things as simple as "do I read a book in the evenings this week, or read a book?" because God knows I can't do both! LOL!
ReplyDeleteSleep? I know you've had similar issues to me in terms of sleep. Makes a HUGE difference...I'm doing lunesta 3 days followed by unisom 3-4 days. Works great most of the time.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if you can find the energy/time, read Schulte's Overwhelmed. Amazing.
I was reading an ad in the in-flight magazine. It described a woman who was tired all the time, congested, sick, blah blah blah and even though it was clearly an ad for crazytown, I was like MAYBE IT WOULD WORK FOR ME. I want there to be a magic solution so much, like thyroid or diet or whatever. And maybe if I completely overhauled everything, there would be. But I don't have the time or energy. And it's also possible I am just OLD and BUSY and have BABIES. Which is obviously all about me, but I just meant to say, ME TOO.
ReplyDeleteI think a huge part of it is that some people genuinely need less sleep than others, and that thing you said a while back about needing "wider margins" to your time. I need the downtime, and tons of sleep. For a while we had two kid classes on Saturdays plus one other plan during the day and it made me want to hide in bed and never emerge. Other people would think that's a "normal" Saturday, but I don't care. I know it's too many things for me, so I have been intentionally rearranging life to NOT have that many commitments and plans. (Especially now that work is in the mix for me.) I think it's ok to not be one of those mystical people ;)
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