I haven't written in a while. There are lots of reasons for this, most of which I'll ignore right now. But one is that I'm tired of writing the same problems and the same hopeful solutions over and over again.
I snap at my kids. I'm unfocused at work. I could use more connection with my spouse. I need a new hobby. I waste too much time on the internet. I could eat healthier and lose a few pounds. I need more friends.
If you go through my archives you will see these themes repeated over and over and over. And my posts are always full of potential solutions. And I try them. I really do. I have the best of intentions. And isn't that what life is? Trying to be better, day after day? In the trying is the living, right?
Bullshit.
The constant trying and not getting anywhere is failure. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how hard I try, if I can't make tangible changes. My kids don't care that I try not to yell at them. My superiors at work certainly don't care that I am thinking up new strategies for productivity. My husband doesn't care that I plan to be communicative and loving. And my body doesn't care how much I think about eating better and research the pros and cons of various diets.
All the plans and thoughts and strategies in my head are worthless if not executed. Its the results that matter...the actual PRODUCT that leaves your head and actually impacts others and the world.
I don't know what the answer is, but I suspect it involves getting out of my head and back onto the ground. I need to stop trying so hard and just start doing. How do I change this about myself? I have no idea. Even at my busiest or my happiest, I always seem to make time for analysis and over thinking. I want to try to lead, if not an unexamined, at the very least a less examined life.
And to actually get somewhere on this path instead of running in circles.
A lot of things take a lot of trying and failing before there's trying and succeeding. Even addictions like smoking. Maybe you just need to try a certain number of times before you succeed. Or maybe, in some cases (like smoking), the limited success you get during the trying before the failure helps too (like temporarily cleaning out your lungs).
ReplyDeleteOf course, sometimes, like fad dieting (Atkins, purging, etc.), the trying leads to worse outcomes-- the opposite of what was intended, and worse outcomes than would have happened in the absence of the fad diet.
Sometimes examination helps, sometimes it hurts. I think all we can do is listen to ourselves, read the research, and make desired course changes as best we can based on the information we have available.
I think it's just the way of life. You can't STOP trying, otherwise you definitely won't get any better. Sometimes change takes a long time, and it's only looking back years later that you see an improvement. You are doing the only thing you can really do.
ReplyDeleteI can see how it's frustrating to feel like you're writing the same thing over and over, but I definitely don't get frustrated reading it. I think we've all been in that situation.
Deborah
This is me spending too much time reading self-help books...but The Mood Cure is fascinating. A lot of nutrition/vitamin therapy. I'm trying some of it for insomnia. I know sleep is something you struggle with, too...just a thought. hang in there. I do think trying is worth something.
ReplyDeleteI don't know the answer. But I think you have to be really really clear -- with yourself, not necessarily on the blog!) -- about what you want and then make concrete and perhaps radical changes to get there.
ReplyDeleteif you need time to yourself (or as a couple?), work on really and truly hiring a few hours of regular babysitting per week.
if you really want to lose weight maybe try altering your diet (paleo :) ?)
if you find yourself out of focus at work to the point where it is really bothering you, maybe work itself needs an adjustment.
i don't know. i'm starting to think small changes may actually not be the way to go. big sweeping ones seem to either really WORK or NOT and make more of a difference. those are the ones the that have shaped my life for the better.