Tuesday, February 3, 2015

By a very thin thread

We have arrived (yet again) to a low point in parenting. Just today I told sneered at B that "I hate you" "You're stupid" in response to his outbursts. I know. That was immediately after I told him I'd smack him if he didn't listen. And before I locked him out of the room because I was worried that I would. And only one day after I used the cruel (but ultimately effective) trick of completely ignoring him for  when I simply could not deal with him anymore.

B is testing our limits and pushing us right past them these past few weeks. After remarkable improvements in his behavior this fall, when we honestly believed we had come out the other side, things have gone rapidly downhill this winter. No he's not sick (I hoped it was something short lived like that), nothing happened at school, we are feeding him plenty and he is getting sufficient sleep. Activity levels are definitely less, with the cold weather, and that may be contributing. But truthfully, while that explains some of the end of the day wildness that we see in both boys, it does not explain satisfactorily to me why B wakes up (on his own!) grumpy and defiant at 7AM every day and continues that way until bedtime.

There is constant back-talk and excuses. Whenever we ask him (nicely, the first 8 times) to do something (mostly put away toys or help out in some marginal manner) we get "You do it". "I don't have to. Its not my job." and it goes on from there. Everything is hated, stupid, the worst. I hate school. I hate this house. I hate the park. I hate you. He had gotten really good at sharing and being patient for his turn---that's gone. If he wants it, he'll grab or complain bitterly and loudly until he gets his way. He hits. He throws. Anytime he sees someone with something he wants, he gets petulant and whiny "why can't I have that. Can you buy me that. Its not FAIR that you never buy  me that".

We've tried time outs, a sticker chart, a penny jar, carrots, sticks, hugs, more one-on-one time you name it. Everything I've read about or heard about or got from my therapist, we are trying. We've taken away privileges until there was literally nothing else to take away and had a endure weeks without music, screen time, legos, treats. Any admonishment or discipline is followed by hitting/talking back and then lots and lots of loud, dramatic, wailing. 

He's his normal self at school. At home, when and if we can get him engaged in something---like coloring, or building a snowman, or making a lego creation, he's fine---until something sets him off again (he wants a piece that L is using). Its like pulling teeth to get him out of the house to do something, but once he's at swimming, he's grinning and splashing (after 15 minutes of "I HATE swimming. You go swimming. Swimming is stupid. I'm not wearing my coat")

On top of it all, of course, we have L. Who is  sweet and hilarious but also...three. Lots of wanting to do it myself but can't but don't help me but I can't but AAAAGHHHH. Still needing lots of carry you, and sit your lap and getting up at night to climb into our bed and keep us from sleeping. Still trying to kill himself in creative ways if we are not constantly vigilant (swallowing pennies, climbing onto stove, running into street, putting plastic bags on his head, etc...).

And the fighting. oh lord the constant squabbling and wanting exactly what the other has regardless of how useless and dinky that thing may be. The constant "MOMMY, L did x" "WAAAH. B did y!"

I am running out have run out of patience most days. I'm discouraged and demoralized and I loathe myself for the way I lose it and yell and scream and grab his arm. And then I see G lose it, in his own (bigger, scarier) way and I lose it with him, too. Maybe we're not cut out for this, but that doesn't really matter at this point, does it?



13 comments:

  1. You are cut out for it. Some stretches of time are just torture, and would be for anyone. I hate dragging kids to something I know they'll love -- something that just seems gratuitously unpleasant. Here's hoping for better soon.

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  2. wow on the timing of this post (!!). but i agree with laura - you and i are both cut out of it. it's just HARD. and maybe both of us will be incredibly natural mothers of tweens or teenagers. as we both know from our patient experiences, it is so so different. we don't have to love every moment of this part to be good parents.

    i'm hoping that B's phase ends soon. it definitely sounds like a really really rough period.

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  3. PS: I have found myself getting so much more agitated with A than i ever have before. i remember you mentioning getting frustrated/angry at B and I didn't get it when she was younger, but . . now I do. (yes, even though she is not even 3 . . . maybe it seems premature but it is what it is.)

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  4. Ignoring bad behavior is NOT cruel. A lot of the bad stuff kids do is attention seeking, and if they see it's not working, a lot of the time the behavior will stop. You may have to ignore it for a while though. But yes, it is also really hard. As we are entering the threes, I also find Dyl can wear on my last nerve like she never did before. Oh well, at least I can talk to her now and she responds (somewhat) to reason.

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  5. Wow, coming out of lurking to offer a hug. This sounds really rough. Hope you come out to the other side soon.

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  6. Sometimes, some children, at that age really just want an extra hug and attention. And act out aggravatingly in order to get attention. At 5, if normally verbal, some children, if caught in a good mood, can actually talk about this. Then you can tell them it is OK to ask for an extra hug. Remind them of this even if they cannot talk about their own feelings/actions. Sometimes particularly for boys it can be extra hard to ask for that physical display of love. And, of course sometimes this doesn't work and that isn't what is the root.
    GOOD LUCK!!!!

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  7. Did you just write this, or did I? Sounds just like my life!

    I tried to talk to my therapist about it, and she fave me some parenting suggestions. But I realized afterward that I wasn't there to get help with J, I wanted help with me - how to keep myself calmer, avoid being triggered, understand why I seem to be so crappy at this. Maybe I need to phrase my questions differently next time.

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  8. De-lurking as well to say that it is hard, but necessary - to forgive yourself when you have horrible parenting lows. Yesterday is done and it sucked. Tomorrow can still be a better day.

    And not to be facetious, but maybe you could use a sticker chart too. Pick a prize and give yourself a few gold stars for when you stay calm (I've done that for myself.)

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  9. Go easy on yourself, Ana. We all have these moments. My daughter is very similar- doesn't listen, is defiant and cruel, and often pushes our buttons on purpose. I have screamed at her, ignored her, and walked out of the house without a word on occasion. I totally agree with many of the previous commenters- this is attention seeking behaviour, and like most attention seeking behaviours, it will eventually go away if ignored. But the problem with that is that it is really, really hard not to yell and scream when our buttons are being pushed, so ignoring with any consistency is really tough. I don't have any real advice or anything, but I can certainly relate. And it almost always helps to know you aren't alone. Hugs!

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  10. Sending a huge deep breath and a hug. No good advice, but I'm sitting with you, abiding. Sometimes you need to vent it out else explode.

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  11. Aw man..I so hear you. No advice, but just wanted to give you a hug, send you some virtual wine/chocolate, and positive/patient thoughts. Hang in there.

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  12. I'm catching up on so many blogs today and I'm soooo happy to see so many parent/child woes with which I can empathize. We are having a rough time too. It's gotten to the point in which I don't trust D out in public because of the lack of listening, touching everything, etc. The lack of listening is just a huge theme overall and nothing works. And oh boy, the back talk. I am so frustrated and tired. I don't enjoy being home very often right now and that makes me sad. No advice, just major commiseration.

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