Well I dived right into the "learn about money" thing and I've gotten a lot further than I could ever have hoped in 3 weeks. The hardest, and best (because isn't that just one of life's truths?) part was just taking my head out of the sand and shedding some light on our financial situation. In some ways it was much better than I expected (we do have some assets saved up!), in some ways worse (there really isn't much fat to trim in our budget, we have a lot of very expensive monthly expenses). Money had turned into something stressful and scary and the way I deal with stress & fear is to turn off the light, close the door, and slowly but surely sidle far far away from the situation.
Of course, denial is not an effective method of dealing with shit in life. And knowing that scary thing is still there, somewhere, and may have actually grown bigger & scarier ends up being more stressful than the initial situation. Once I actually confronted the situation, and got over the initial fear and anxiety, I could approach it in a very practical, emotion-free, and step-wise manner. I'm doing the math and the research, and making things happen. Seeing the cold hard numbers has also surprisingly helped me get over any guilt or remorse over sunk costs. Yes we lost this, but we still have that, and we overspent on this, but we can cut back on that and make it up. I feel like I'm in charge of this, and its all about choices I (we) make, and that is pretty empowering.
So, of course, I naturally started thinking about other areas of life I could implement a similar strategy and I've thought of several. These are all things I've actively worked on in the past and been completely unable to make much forward progress. I have decided (and I literally just had this epiphany last week) to approach such problems with equanimity. While not initially obvious to me, I've recognized that there are elements of fear and guilt associated with issues as diverse as marriage, body image, parenting and work. (i.e. pretty much my entire life!) and I need to entangle those emotions to be able to see what the actual problems (if any!) are and then work on addressing them. Its not going to be a quick fix, it may indeed be a lifetime's worth of work, but I am up for the challenge.
Good for you for taking some control! I often work things up in my mind to be much bigger than they are, and then avoid problems altogether because they seem insurmountable. But I'm working on it, too. One problem at a time.
ReplyDeleteyour eating plan is definitely inspiring to me. that's on the list of things I need to tackle. but one at a time absolutely.
DeleteMy husband and I are both in medicine, and make generous salaries but also have significant debt/expenses. It is helpful to hear from someone who is dealing with many of the same things… Right now I am trying to find someone to help us with our taxes, but not turning up anyone a great. We may end up figuring it out alone again this year. Ugh.
ReplyDeletethanks for your comment. this is definitely an area that I felt a lot of guilt/embarrassment about---not something I readily talk about with people I know.
DeleteIgnoring problems can make them seem larger than they are. Shining a bright light in the darkness does help ... even if it takes a while to clean, at least you can SEE what you're cleaning up!
ReplyDeleteyes! its like that closet full of who-knows-what that always used to scare me as a kid. Once I opened the door and pulled everything out, it was just spare blankets and suitcases---no spiders, snakes, serial killers...
DeleteI'm so glad you've been pleased with the results of your look into finances. I know how easy it can be to avoid the things that scare us, but I also know that doing so compounds the fear. Justine is right, shining a bright light on what scares helps, a lot. It's super scary, but in the end it's a relief.
ReplyDeleteYou've inspired me to do the scary work of really delving into our finances. I don't want to do it, but I'm sure I'll ultimately feel better if I do.
I think you will. I've being reading a lot of personal finance-type blogs trying to learn more about both the financial/numbers aspect and the emotional/mindset aspect, and there are so many stories of people in the worst kinds of situations getting out of them by sitting down, really owning the truth and coming up with workable plans. If they can do it, all of us can do it!
DeleteFantastic job facing what you were avoiding. I think that like you, I've been taking a much more methodical/no rush approach to life goals lately, and it really seems to work much better.
ReplyDeleteI have yet to look at long term finances/savings (our setup is somewhat complicated) but I have gotten a LOT out of working with YNAB so far. I never knew having an allowance would actually feel so freeing - but for me it really does!
Yes, I've got a post about the details coming up and I've definitely been using and loving YNAB. I do like taking the long view when it comes to life goals. Small but consistent forward motion...
DeleteLet's see if this comment goes through... My earlier one got eaten by blogspot.
ReplyDeleteThat's great! And it is definitely inspiring to go through other people's financial journeys and see what they've accomplished.
This post actually inspired me to get back in gear on a project I've been avoiding at work. So thank you!