In honor of this milestone, I've been having a little existential freak out. I've been mourning the loss of possibility that comes with aging; and since possibility amounts to hope, I think its worth mourning, at least in a controlled and limited fashion. In my younger days, I had a fabulous coping mechanism for when life was getting me down. I would just daydream about the future, when everything was amazing. It worked every time---I remember being able to FEEL my heart slowing down, and the ache in my chest releasing. It was like taking a sedative, only slightly less addictive.
Now these daydreams ranged from the fantastical (having a huge swimming pool IN MY HOUSE, marrying a member of NKOTB, writing the next "Sweet Valley High" series---as an autobiographical take on my teen years as the most beautiful and popular girl in school) to the mundane (living in paradise, having 3 kids, having a daughter). Regardless, they were a soothing balm to my battered and bruised soul through my awkward teens, lonely 20s, and the hell of infertility that came after.
I don't daydream anymore---I've tried---there just isn't anything big and GOOD* left that isn't already set. I've got my marriage, my career, my children. I won't have a daughter. I won't marry anyone famous. I probably won't live by the beach (my husband doesn't want to) or write teeny bop fiction (ummm. I don't want to). Swimming pools are expensive and having one INSIDE your house is just...stupid. If I think too hard about the future I realize that people I love may be gone, my children will be TEENAGE BOYS, my joints will be creakier & my hair grayer and oh my god this is terrifying STOP. Life, and circumstance, and common sense have taken all the FUN out of daydreaming.
I know full well that I can make changes, but they seem small in scope compared to the wide open field that was "the future". Every year going by leads to some narrowing of possibility. I see it with my children. When they were born, they could be ANYTHING. And now I'm seeing their strengths and weaknesses; of the infinite paths, some are closing off. There are still multitudes left---and the choice is theirs alone, of course---but it happens, that is life.
And when you realize there is nothing really enormous (and GOOD*) ahead, your mind falls into the quintessential "Is this all there is?" mid-life angst.Yes, I know there is a lot of good stuff in my life. There is a lot left for me to do and experience and I have ambitions and plans and hopes and dreams for how I'm going to fill the next several decades should the universe grant me them to fill. But that angst is sitting with me right now.
Months (years?) ago, Xykademiqz wrote a comment that pretty much summed up everything I didn't even know I was thinking and feeling. In fact, if there was a theme to this blog, this is it, including (most especially) the "shiiiiit":
The blahs in middle age come from no longer there being concrete, inspiring milestones in our future. It's saddening and disorienting, especially for very driven people. I spend a lot of time brooding "Is this all there is? What is the fuckin' point? We are all so insignificant and short-lived in the grand scheme of things... Shiiiiit (The Wire style, http://shiiiit.com/)." But then I try to find the time to better myself or for creative pursuits, or enjoying the creative works of others, or focusing on how cute my kids are, and then I feel better. For a little bit at least.Which is exactly why, after my family was complete, I've set my focus on self-improvement and seemingly flit from one personal goal to the next and back again. I'll never win Olympic goal, but I can train to shave a few seconds off my running speed, and be just that much fitter and stronger than I was before. I don't have the family I imagined, but I can be the best mother to my sons. I don't have a talent that can become my career, but I can try different things until I find something I'm good enough at to be a fulfilling hobby. I may never marry Leonardo DiCaprio but I can make my own marriage better. And if I can enjoy it all, along the way, I guess that is the fuckin' point. It has to be.
*because, lets face it, the older you get the more the chance of terrible things happening to you and yours increases. Circle of life.
Every time I consent a patient for surgery, in the back of my mind I think, "one day this will be me." This post really resonated with me. I'm turning 39 in a few weeks and I'm right there with you. I think part of the reason I occasionally consider having another kid (we're not going to) is because I don't want to think of myself as old. Which is silly I guess, since I could be that patient with incurable cancer at age 35, who I saw last week. Relatively i actually have it pretty good. Still.
ReplyDeleteI definitely know that feeling. I've been so very very lucky so far. And sure, it could happen any time, but as a population, MOST 39-40 year old US women are healthy but with every 5-10 years that percentage starts to drop (I don't know actual numbers)
DeleteThat mid-life angst started for me right before my 40th birthday, and sat with me until about six months ago (I turned 43 in January). It doesn't go away quickly, but it does eventually go away. I'm not sure what changed- I guess I just got sick of looking backwards, and wondering what life would have been like if I had made different choices. I chose the wrong career, and I married late, and therefore didn't get the family I dreamed of, but I just decided one day to make the best of it. It was wonderfully freeing to just let go, and start looking forward again. I still daydream- but now, it's about travel, and how I will fill my days when I retire (12-14 years to go!), and what my daughter will be like as an adult. There really is lots to look forward to.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs... I understand all too well how you're feeling. It gets better. I promise.
Honestly I've been feeling it for a while, it sort of comes and goes and seems to be intensifying as the birthday countdown begins. I'm glad to know there may be an end in sight! Thanks for the hugs & the hope
DeleteFirst of all, this post was so good I had to get out my phone (blogspot blocked at work!). Second, perhaps there is more possibility than you realize - you clearly wrote so well, maybe you will do something with that later. Maybe you will love having older kids more than you can even imagine. Maybe a project at work will get really exiting and be a big force in the next decade of your life. I know it is still really hard to give up those limbs of possibility (Sylvia Plath's fig tree comes to mind) but I have to believe there is hope and possibility for more great things to come.
ReplyDeleteMeant "write" not write !
DeleteThanks Sarah, this sounds so very very hopeful! I know...who knows what's out there, and I'm sure there are really good things to come that I can't even imagine or so right now. I mean, that's the point of living---that's why we humans cling so hard to life---we want to know what's next, it might be amazing! Its just hard to dream about or look forward to what you can't imagine, though. And I think I'm afraid of being disappointed, so I keep my hopes & dreams very small scale and realistic.
DeleteMaybe it is a good thing my career isn't where I want it to be yet... I'll have to get back to you if I get an AER paper before 40.
ReplyDeleteI am the same. I can definitely see much more room for improvement in the professional arena. Now if only I could only muffle the voice of this darn impostor syndrome, that would be awesome... And I am really looking forward to expanding my abilities in writing and visual arts -- the creative aspect is very satisfying.
DeleteI don't think my work defines me as much as it does for you guys.While successes and failures at work can affect my mood and outlook sometimes, my emotional well-being is much more closely tied to my personal life. Or maybe its because I haven't yet had any major triumphs at work and I just seem to be plodding along these days. I do hope/dream for some amazing breakthrough in the future. 40 in my field is still considered "junior" so in this aspect, at least, there is a long road ahead for me.
DeleteFirst of all, when I read your post title, I thought "oh, she's older than me!" Then I realized, I'm going to be 38 this summer. So not that much older, not really. I guess I'm in denial.
ReplyDeleteWhen I dream about getting older, I mainly dream about being able to leave the house without my kids. Like, go for a run or go grocery shopping and just say "I'll be back in an hour." I guess that's what I'm looking forward to most about my 40's someday!
that sounds quite nice. oh the little things!
DeleteThis is a phenomenal post (Mel thought so too! It's in the round up today)! I've been thinking about it since I read it.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I think I know very much how you feel. I'm not knocking on 40's door yet, but it will happen soon enough. And in the meantime, I think a lot about the rest of my life, what is possible and what isn't. I realize with each passing year that I'm passing trailheads I'll likely never pass again, and the possible destinations to my journey become fewer and fewer.
But I also look into the future and see my kids growing up and older and becoming independent. I see myself reaching retirement age and having time, and perhaps (gasp!) opportunities to do things that right now are just not possible. Who knows, maybe post 60 will be our golden years! I have a considerable amount of hope that they will. ;)
I think its hard for me to imagine my kids being older in any real concrete way---I don't know what that looks like. Or maybe I'm afraid it won't be how I imagine it? Yeah, probably the latter. The fear. I think I have a lot of fear about the future. Worries that the "unexpected path" ahead of me is now one I would choose or want. hmmm. deeper than I was trying to go in this reply.
DeleteI totally get the idea of the dreams you had and the reality of where you are not quite meshing up, and feeling like getting older means there's less opportunity (TIME) to get those things done. I have to remind myself that there is SO MUCH that was experienced in this first 40 years, the good and the bad, and when I was 20 40 seemed so far away...so I have a whole new 40 years to experience and it will stretch on. It doesn't have to be an end, it can be the beginning of new possibilities. But I get the angst completely, the feeling of "why haven't I..." and a sense that time is limited. I am convincing myself that 40 is not old, just seasoned...we'll see how that pans out. I wish you an early Happy Birthday!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment & for stopping by Jess. No its not an end, there is a lot ahead. I'm trying to be optimistic about it---I love your attitude!
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ReplyDeleteHere from the round up. After experiencing infertility in my mid - 30s, and recently, the loss of a parent, I have a lot of thoughts about mortality and limited time. Although, there are glass-is-half full ways to look at it too. For example, you could say that every year more of your mistakes are in the past, and that you have less to make in the future. On a more serious note, one of the mindfulness books I've been reading put it this way: Being young means you have potential, but none of it is guaranteed and any of it can be taken away from you. On the other hand, when you have years behind you, there is nothing that can take them away. They are like having savings in the bank.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by. Really interesting perspective, I hadn't thought about that way...
DeleteI didn't have a crisis when I turned 40 but experiencing it now at 45. You pretty much nail how I feel -- end of big possibilities, declining health, etc.. I think the only thing that helps me is to appreciate the 'little' things like a nice day in the park, child's happiness, etc.. And of course do something really really stupid like fly solo to Europe.
ReplyDeleteI know people who go through it early too---I think its a "stage of life" thing?
DeleteWait...did you really do that? That is awesome. (I have also been working on noticing the little things, but wow, sometimes going big may be the answeR!)