I have 23 blogs in my reader and not ONE single post today! That has never happened on a regular old weekday before. But it freed up my blog-reading time for some blog-writing.
It's been a rough week on call. Will be
I've been unbelievably exhausted this week. Maybe its the emotional load? I'm sleeping OK, but still yawning and drowsy and headache-y all day. I skipped working out this morning because the thought of it just made me want to cry. I make it through the day and head straight to bed after the kids and escape into a book until I get drowsy (or until I get the anxious-not-going-to-be-able-to-fall-asleep feeling and take an ambi&n).
I really thought I had learned how to manage my anxiety. But the past couple of months, it seems to be completely out of hand. Partly its because I've been lax in doing the little things that help (5 minutes meditation, journal at night, limit social media to be more present). I need to re-instate those things and see where I end up. My therapist is still on maternity leave until July. I don't know how effective she's going to be even then, with a newborn, considering I felt she was phoning it in by the third trimester and was getting little out of our sessions (she listened and asked questions but basically had stopped offering much in the way of suggestions/advice/tips, which is what I want. I don't need someone to just listen to me ramble, that's what you guys are for ;)... I want actionable advice for changing my thought process).
I am really not keen on the idea of taking medication for anxiety. I've read about all the meds, I know the options, and none of them sound right for me. I'm afraid of being "numb", which I've seen with friends taking SSRIs for depression. And adverse effects on sleep. Weight gain. Loss of libido. Considering I'm functioning (at a pretty high level!), I really want to continue to try to work this out without meds. I'm holding out hope that I can figure out a lifelong way to cope with and relieve my anxious thought patterns.
I think G forgot that my birthday is next week. The kids mentioned it, and he pulled out his phone to check the calendar. So I guess I need to keep my expectations low. I don't want flowers. Maybe I should make that clear to him. I did get a sitter for the weekend after---I should make a reservation, too. Sigh. I'd LOVE to have him plan something but its never ever going to happen. On his 40th I did a scavenger hunt at home, made him a double layer cake with homemade filling & frosting (on a weekday!) and planned an outing for the 4 of us. Nothing major, I'm not a "party planner" type, but I did put a lot of thought and effort into it.
Clearly I'm feeling grumpy. I'm going to take some NSAIDs for this headache and eat something. Maybe head outside for a minute. Fighting the urge to buy & consume french fries or mozzerella sticks from the cafeteria (I've had both in the past 10 days).