Slushy

Its been sunny and much warmer---the snow is melting away, leaving mud and slush behind. Thankfully I was able to get outside yesterday to soak up some rays, because its going to rain ALL WEEKEND. 

I tried to make weekend plans---but the weather made it really hard and I gave up. So we have nothing scheduled, as usual. I can't even plan a run with a friend. G is being cagey about planning some time to hangout this weekend, he has a list of projects around the house to do and he is cagey about making plans in general. I guess I'll do chores and try to entertain the kids while he does his projects. 

I worked hard to stay present and engaged with everyone this week. It absolutely made the evening go better, and helped me feel more connected. But I'm still tired of the same old thing every single f-ing day, weekday/weekend, fall/winter/spring. I'm tired of the same old &*(&* at work too. That realization that in outpatient medicine, its the squeaky wheel (with the most time/savvy/resources to ask and ask and ask and demand and complain) that gets the attention, not those that are most needing or deserving it. I'm tired of my kids complaining about school, and homework, and asking for junk food and dessert and video games all the damn time. And they are constantly hungry! I'm cooking and making snacks constantly and I AM TIRED OF IT. 

I won't even go into the cluster*^$# with our school district. I will regret whatever I say. Or the extended family annoyances, but UGH. Haha should I mention the absolute bull#*%((#^$ that was our "division retreat" to foster "engagement" and "communication". My head nearly exploded from rage. Yes, lets make things easier for EVERY SINGLE PERSON except us, because we will always do what needs to be done for the patients, we don't have it in us to let things go, so sure, I can take on everyone else's jobs. No problem. 

I think its the one year anniversary of this shit coming up, and remembering how naive I was, how "its only 2 weeks!". OMG. On the other hand, I'm glad I didn't know what to expect because how can you possibly go on knowing there is no end in sight?

Sorry for the rant. Only 2 hours until I go home, pour some wine, and lock myself away for an hour. 

Where is the joy?

I have't written because I honestly had nothing to say except the same old blah. I mentioned that we are struggling, and we are. We really are. I have reached some level of burnout with work and parenting and I really need a break, but I can't take one, so I just numb myself in (mentally & physically)) unhealthy ways just to be able to make it through another day. Truly stupid and time-wasting stuff like social media, games on my phone, online window-shopping (I haven't bought anything). Or my go-to of salty, crunchy snack food and wine.  I haven't even been able to read much lately, I can't get into the story. This makes me sad, because reading is usually my go-to source of pleasure.

Its been very cold---which is fine, but also cloudy---which is not. I need sunshine like a plant. We had some this weekend and it was such a mood boost! We've had more snow than we know what to do with---it was fun at first, but now just a hassle, and is timed just right to mess up my busiest clinic days, and now I'm having to scramble to add patients into days I had blocked off for deeper work.

There are some little things I enjoy---I've been making filling and healthy soups that I look forward to eating for lunch, we made it through the 8 weeks of Liift-4 and I feel stronger (we are starting over), and I've gotten pretty good at Mario Kart with our new evening routine of a quick pre-bedtime family game. But I'm tired of my "3 good things" journal having the same highlights every.single.day (except the days where I literally have nothing good to say...there are those days too).  

I did have the forethought to realize we had gotten into a rut of doing the same things every weekend (i.e. nothing), so I planned an outing last Saturday morning to a local arboretum, and lo and behold! Despite relentless grumbling all around, we all enjoyed it once we got there! So I need to keep planning new adventures. One weekend, G and I used the time the kids were on their screens to have a little mini-date afternoon, we sat and chatted and ate fancy cheese---it was really fun and a nice break. I'd love to do that more often, too. And I always feel better after some easy socializing with friends during a playdate, so again---need to make that happen. 

I got a new planner---the one I had was too small, and the paper was thin and smudgy. I realized I deserved nice tools for organizing my life, and bought a cheap but cute one with full size pages and beautiful thick paper. I spent some time this morning transferring the rest of this week's activities onto it, and I made sure to add a line for "weekend planning" on Wednesday. I guess its up to me to find the joy and make it happen. 

Friday Faves

Guys, every member of our family is struggling these days. Work, school, home, etc... its all hard.

So lets talk about some great things we've been watching & reading to unwind...

Adult TV Show: Ted Lasso on Apple TV. Seriously, watch this. Its amazing. Its funny but has, as they say, "a lot of heart". Very mature take on relationships of all kinds. I've watched the whole thing twice already. You can get a free week of Apple TV and finish the 10 30 min episodes in that time. Worst case scenario---you have to pay $5 for the month.

Family Show: Its so completely weird but we all love "Wanda Vision" on Disney plus. And they are releasing one episode per week so we actually have something to look forward to watching on Friday night! 

Books I've read: I've read several amazing ones this year so far. My faves: 

•     Transcendent Kingdom by Yaa Gyasi. I LOVE her writing. This is a tough one, though.
•     Gravity is the Thing by Jaclyn Moriarty (is she Leanne's sister? I think so?) More lighthearted, completely weird and unexpected. 
•     The Most Fun We've Ever Had by Claire Lambordo Multi-decade family drama with varying points of view, all very insightful 
•     The Antidote to Everything by Kimmery Martin. Ooh this one was a page-turner, and also covered some important issues, and I liked the focus on friendship. I didn't love the ending, but I'd still recommend it. 

Books I'm reading to the kids: Front Desk by Kelly Yang, and the sequel, Three Keys. Really fun book dealing with tough topics, written in the point of view of a 10 year old. My kids LOVED the first book and we are making our way through the sequel.

I also love that my 9 and 11 year old children still like to be read to every night. Its one of my favorite times, even though I'm usually exhausted, and getting them to actually get ready for bed is...a challenge. 

I hope you all are keeping on as best you can.