Where is the joy?

I have't written because I honestly had nothing to say except the same old blah. I mentioned that we are struggling, and we are. We really are. I have reached some level of burnout with work and parenting and I really need a break, but I can't take one, so I just numb myself in (mentally & physically)) unhealthy ways just to be able to make it through another day. Truly stupid and time-wasting stuff like social media, games on my phone, online window-shopping (I haven't bought anything). Or my go-to of salty, crunchy snack food and wine.  I haven't even been able to read much lately, I can't get into the story. This makes me sad, because reading is usually my go-to source of pleasure.

Its been very cold---which is fine, but also cloudy---which is not. I need sunshine like a plant. We had some this weekend and it was such a mood boost! We've had more snow than we know what to do with---it was fun at first, but now just a hassle, and is timed just right to mess up my busiest clinic days, and now I'm having to scramble to add patients into days I had blocked off for deeper work.

There are some little things I enjoy---I've been making filling and healthy soups that I look forward to eating for lunch, we made it through the 8 weeks of Liift-4 and I feel stronger (we are starting over), and I've gotten pretty good at Mario Kart with our new evening routine of a quick pre-bedtime family game. But I'm tired of my "3 good things" journal having the same highlights every.single.day (except the days where I literally have nothing good to say...there are those days too).  

I did have the forethought to realize we had gotten into a rut of doing the same things every weekend (i.e. nothing), so I planned an outing last Saturday morning to a local arboretum, and lo and behold! Despite relentless grumbling all around, we all enjoyed it once we got there! So I need to keep planning new adventures. One weekend, G and I used the time the kids were on their screens to have a little mini-date afternoon, we sat and chatted and ate fancy cheese---it was really fun and a nice break. I'd love to do that more often, too. And I always feel better after some easy socializing with friends during a playdate, so again---need to make that happen. 

I got a new planner---the one I had was too small, and the paper was thin and smudgy. I realized I deserved nice tools for organizing my life, and bought a cheap but cute one with full size pages and beautiful thick paper. I spent some time this morning transferring the rest of this week's activities onto it, and I made sure to add a line for "weekend planning" on Wednesday. I guess its up to me to find the joy and make it happen.