Epic Mom Fail

Background: 3 months ago, I was smoking crack and trying to be efficient and scheduled both boys for back-to-back peds well-child visits at the worst possible time on the face of the earth 5pm.

3:30 PM: leave work, realizing that "leaving a bit early" actually meant an hour and a half to get across town, wrangle kids at daycare, and get them half-way across the city again to the pediatrician

4:00 PM: arrive at daycare. go to get B first downstairs. He is full-on in "I hate mommy" phase and refused to stop playing with the sand table to look at me, much less come with. Finally pull him away with the help of his teacher and he runs up the stairs yelling at me to not come with him, because "I want to go by myself!!!"

4:15 PM: get L from upstairs. Wrangle his whining, snot-covered, writhing body into his cold-weather gear only to find B missing. B has run into the baby room and will not come out. The DIRECTOR of the daycare (the one with all the comments about how I'm "never around" has to help me). My hands are full and I leave the diaper bag, we never need it on the way home.

4:30 PM: outside waiting for the bus. It is biting cold, 15 degrees, windy, and getting dark. B unzips his coat and pulls off his hat. I can't fix it because I've got L in the carrier and afore-mentioned hands being full. The director is walking out to leave for the day, and comes to us and puts his coat back on. I suck.

5:10 PM: finally make it. We are late. They have a very strict late policy and I am apologetic.

5:20 PM: get into room and they ask me to take of L's diaper to weigh him. Good god, he has an enormous stinky poop in there and guess what I don't have with me? Start rummaging around clinic because I feel at home in clinic rooms and nurse comes in "WHAT are you looking for?". She gets me wipes and a diaper.

5:30 PM: all weighed and measured and waiting for doctor. I attempt to take B for a pee, and he freaks. No, I only want to go with daddy, go away, no no no no no. Want to go home!!!

5:35 PM: B runs off behind the reception desk and refuses to come out. I count ONE TWO THREE and actually get to THREE so I have to bodily drag him back to the exam room. Meanwhile, L, clad in only a too-small diaper has gotten away. I find him pulling pages off the printer. No one is amused.

5:40 PM: B starts throwing his shoes in my general direction. I tell him to stop just as the doctor walks in. He then proceeds to throw shoes at my head, picks up heavy toys and throws them at L's head, hits me & L, and grabs the doctors computer. He is not listening to me or the doc and when I bodily force him to sit on the floor he says "I want to hit L. I want to hit him more". I text G for back-up. This goes on for 20 minutes as the doctor asks me detailed questions about B's behavior and I try but fail to convince him that really this is wayyy out of character.

6:00 PM: G walks in and is SHOCKED to hear the doctor recommend behavior therapy for B and to be asked how we discipline the kids and if we hit or otherwise physically hurt them. B sees G and does a 180. Angel.

6:15 PM: we finally get to L and I mention the hitting at daycare (dismissed as normal), and not having any words. Speech therapy is recommended and I refuse, saying "but I think he's on the verge...". I get the whole "There is no stigma...what can it hurt..." lecture and I realize my only hesitance was that it would take up a lot of time. I just didn't want the hassle and I truly think he's fine.

6:45 PM: we get home. L finds a sippy cup that's been sitting out all day. I absent-mindedly give it to him to drink.

7:00 PM: L throws up a ton of milk. clearly it was not cold enough to be left out for 10 hours and be drinkable.

8:00 PM: Wine.