Positively Negative

Its been a busy couple of weeks chez-Ana, made all the more grueling by this constant low-level sickness that we keep passing around to each other. On top of the sinus pressure and achy throat, I've had some other strange symptoms. My boobs have been so sore, almost engorged feeling. And I could almost swear that I am lactating occasionally...this after completely weaning L more than 3 months ago. I think I need to get my prolactin levels checked.

This Sunday I woke up feeling quite queasy. I figured it was my turn with the second of the GI bugs L has managed to catch in the past month, but it neither progressed nor resolved, and I was still queasy Monday morning.

Yes, it did take me more than 24 hours to realize I needed to make a little trip to the drugstore and get a stick to pee on. 

But I had to make it through the entire day of work before I could run the errand, which gave me plenty of time to think. And panic. And think more panic-y thoughts about how we're barely hanging on by a thread and I couldn't possibly handle this right now. About how we've just finally started planning things, like a vacation this summer, and some minor renovations on the house and I couldn't possible handle this right now. About how frustrated I am with my body and finally motivated myself to take actions to get healthier and I couldn't possibly handle this right now.

By the end of the day my hopes were quite clear..  I peed on that stick like I'd done dozens of time before and stared at it...forgetting for a moment and automatically trying to will that second line into appearance. Negative. And I was relieved. Oh so relieved. And yet...I peeked at the stick again before I threw it out, to make sure, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit to feeling a little twinge.