Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Searching for the motivation

I was always intrigued by the idea that understanding myself and what drives me could positively impact my productivity, relationships, and overall happiness. There are so many different ways to categorize yourself, and a slew of online tests you can take to see what neat little box you fit in. Except I never felt that I quite fit in any of the assigned boxes. Every time I took the Myers Briggs test, for example, I got slightly different results. Some things were clear---I'm an introvert. But sometimes I got N and other times I got S, etc... And none of the descriptions of the types seemed exactly right to me.

Because I've been interested in adapting good habits, I was fascinated by Gretchen Rubin's "four tendencies" that purport to explain why people keep or don't keep habits and what strategies can help them. When thinking about how I work, I notice that I respond quickly to emails and requests, but tend to push aside the big-picture career-building stuff. I assumed, thus, that I was an "Obliger", described by Rubin as one who "meets outer expectations and resists inner expectations". But then again---I have kept a steady exercise habit for years, with no outside motivator, and there are definitely requests I get from others that I completely ignore---if ignoring it has no negative consequences for me. I figured it was yet another example of me not finding myself in any of the categories and not quite fitting in anywhere.

Then I took the quiz (linked above) and read more about the other types. It was a big Aha!-type moment for me to realize that I am not an Obliger at all, but a Questioner ("resists outer expectations, meets inner expectations"). Questioners also "question all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense–essentially, they make all expectations into inner expectations". YES!!!

I do things when they make I see the rationale behind doing them and/or when there is a clear benefit to myself to doing them. Funny, because I'm sure G could've told me that in 2 seconds. I question EVERYTHING and will not do it until he gives me a reason that makes sense to me (he's always trying to get me to do things "his way" and I am SOOO resistant unless he outlines tangible benefits or evidence). Examples: throw away food after x days (I don't). use 409 vs. water to clean counters (only when they are greasy), fold the kids clothes to put in bins (never!) Tip 20% every time we go out to eat (I do), walk on the inside of the sidewalk when we are walking together (constant struggle, I don't see the point yet). 

As a naturally conflict averse person, who gets major anxiety around interpersonal conflict in general, "avoids conflicts" is a HUGE benefit to me and I do almost anything to achieve that goal. I think this, in part, is what made me think I was an Obliger. But I don't meet all outer obligations. I'll definitely skip required things if they are useless and no one would notice that I'm missing (a question on the quiz). I do not actually put my own needs below those of others; I'm not a martyr (a typical Obliger trait). Having an "accountability partner" was never helpful for me (the standard Obliger strategy, I tried it last summer) because I didn't really care what she thought about my lack of writing 1 hour/day (and I knew she didn't care one fig).

At work, I respond to requests from others because 1) if I don't, they'll keep bugging me which is annoying and 2) my quick reply can get things moving, whether its for a patient or a colleague. I see the rationale and the benefit to me is the avoidance of more requests. I exercise because I know I feel good afterwards and I like feeling strong. Oh, and so I can eat more. In fact, I get myself out of bed at 5:30 by reminding myself of how great I feel afterwards, both mentally & physically. I usually go to bed early because I feel much better with sufficient sleep and can be more productive, patient, and healthier (I crave all kinds of things when sleep deprived!). I follow rules that make sense, and bend the ones that don't.

I'm just figuring out how to use this tendency to work on habits I've had trouble building. I need to convince myself that the activity is worthwhile. Its better if the benefit is more immediate and specific, not a vague "good for your career and promotion in 7 years" deal. Recently I've had several opportunities to talk about my work with others in and out of my institution. Truthfully? It was FUN. I loved talking about what I've done and what I want to do. I want to build collaborations and have more data to talk about. Just the act of discussing things with people has fired me up to really get moving on even the most tedious aspects of my job. When I'm floundering, I picture myself a year from now, presenting the findings to interested people and it actually helps. Its amazing to me, because I've been so blah about my work for a couple of years now, and I had no idea how to fix it.

The other area I'm trying (and still failing) to use this approach is with my eating habits. I think I just don't believe that avoiding xyz foods is necessarily better. And I don't get those miraculous bursts of energy from "clean eating" that others seem to get. I feel...the same...only hungry & deprived. And weight loss for me has been pretty arbitrary---I lost weight last fall/winter eating without watching my diet, and gained it back eating the exact same things as far as I know. When I was having issues with IBS last summer, I did the FODMAPs diet. Avoiding certain foods really helped, and I've never gone back (chick peas in my salad, stone fruits, cherries, apples---I miss them, but not enough to endure painful cramps for hours). I know that if I found some way that avoiding cheese puffs, fancy cheese and booze tangibly improved my current life, I could do it. Until then, the momentary pleasure wins out. Of course the answer is to never bring those items home. Last night G proudly brought home a 6 pack of fancy beers and a wedge of manchego.

Do you know your tendency? Does it help you make better habits? Tips for not eating that cheese and drinking that beer?

13 comments:

  1. Upholder here, mostly, though with a streak of questioning. I improvise on recipes, but I meet all deadlines. I like your strategy of picturing yourself presenting the findings a year later to a rapt audience as a way to motivate. And probably if it doesn't get you excited... then it's not something to be spending time on.

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    1. I do meet deadlines. I'd like to avoid the consequences of not meeting them (including letting people down that are counting on me).

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  2. Your description sounds a lot like me...but not exactly. I'm curious to take the test now.

    Also, I'm hiring at work now, so this made me think a lot about the person I currently supervise and who I might in the future.

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    1. the test is far from perfect. I think I figured out my type more by reading descriptions about them (she has TONS of posts about this theory, its her baby)

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  3. I felt mostly ambivalent about that survey (and the first time I read about her four thingies I felt pretty ambivalent). I'm definitely not contrarian according to those examples (but in reality, I do have some contrarian streaks, but mostly when someone is trying to make me feel bad), but other than that, meh. I come on the middle on a lot of personality stuff (DH and I both failed the myers briggs in high school because we didn't answer enough questions!)

    I suspect that the best way to increase my willpower/productivity/etc. will be to get more sleep and to work on being more organized, particularly in terms of workflow and note-taking systems.

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    1. oh I completely agree, I don't generally find these things useful. But---this time, at least---it made me start to think about myself from a different perspective (I'm not lazy...I just need to find the right motivation) and that is always good!

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  4. I've taken it twice. Once I got upholder; today, obliger. I think if the questions were more context specific my answers would change. I don't break commitments to others; I don't view many things as commitments to myself. Or, more precisely, my commitments to others are more clear cut...my plans to read all the novels of Virginia Woolf aren't real plans, just hazy fantasies. I am incredibly self-disciplined in certain ways and very lazy in others...

    The real question is how did your little one start SLEEPING?!

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    1. it just...happened. He has matured a LOT recently---explosion of verbal and motor skills. Maybe his brain needed sleep (or maybe the sleep allowed the development? chicken/egg). He's still napping---in fact, more consistently than before. So I guess his body is needing the sleep. I don't know if it'll last but its sooooo gooood. I hope you learn something useful at the sleep study.

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  5. I am actually reading her book Better than Before. So far I've found it to be kind of...meh. It's not that great. I do appreciate the different dichotomy's she presents (like I prefer feeling or having a life that is "full" instead of "empty" and I'm an "over buyer" not an "under buyer" which explains why minimalism has been SO HARD for me to embrace).

    I am also a questioner, which didn't really surprise me (although at first I thought I was an upholder, but as I took the quiz I realized quickly I was a questioner, but definitely with an upholder streak--I am a teacher after all ;). I don't know if I'm going to keep reading it because the one habit I'm trying to break is spending money and I don't know if the book will help me with something that doesn't fall simply and easily within a daily routine.

    If you're going to read about "habits" I highly recommend "The Power of Habit" over "Better than Before." The former is thoroughly researched and fascinating, the latter seems to be a collection of personal anecdotes.

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    1. can i admit I don't plan on reading Better than Before anytime soon? Just not in the mood for that type of book. Hmmm. I wonder how you could use this self-knowledge to help you not spend money. I'm sure there is a way to think about it that makes sense to you (and as a questioner, you'd want it to make sense or you won't do it) or that gives you some kind of immediate benefit (beyond the "virtue" of saving)

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  6. I'm an Obliger. I found it difficult to pick the most appropriate answer to some of the questions. It is interesting, though. I try really hard to meet other people's expectations and take far too little time for myself and feel guilty when I do.

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  7. The test pegged me as an Obliger. I certainly have been for much of my life - but not so much recently. I've always liked being different too. One question in particular annoyed me - asking about defying rules and convention. The two are so different. I'm a rule keeper, but don't give a toss about convention! So I really am not sure about this. I'm always very ambivalent about tests - like you on the MB tests, I often get differing results.

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