Different things

Little things

• I just submitted a grant. Whoo! I have something on this side of town so I planned to work late, but once I submitted the grant I was DONE and I'm just frittering time away now.
• I like writing grants but there are really annoying parts, most of which involve administrative stuff and administrative people that are so stressful!
• I wanted to plan stuff to do this weekend but its already thursday night and I've planned nothing. 
• Our house is a disaster. I need to organize and purge. We can't FIND things we need and keep stepping on stuff. I hate that. I'm OK with mess until I'm suddenly NOT and it has to GO

Bigger things

Part A: So the reason I set my allowance so low was 1) I am on a year long clothes shopping ban so I didn't budget for clothes/shoes at all and 2) I wanted to feel a bit of scarcity and to have to think and rethink each purchase and maybe even "save up" for it. The point was not to just buy what I wanted because I could "afford it". And...it WORKS. All those things I wrote about wanting? I don't want most of them anymore. The wanting of things often comes from some other want/need in my life, and buying the things does not usually fulfill that need. When I start researching planners, it means I feel overwhelmed and unproductive. Some little part of my brain thinks the answer to that is a new planner. Its not. The answer to that is getting my ass in gear and getting stuff done. Now that I've gotten a ton of stuff done over the past few weeks, I realize I don't NEED a new planner. I can wait and get one later or skip it altogether.

Wanting clothes also comes from some other feeling. Today I felt like going shopping. To celebrate being done. Buying something is an easy way to celebrate. Its not like I can just "go out" with friends, or that the kids are going to necessarily behave and let me have a fun evening. But of course, buying something doesn't REALLY fulfill the urge to do something special. Other reasons for wanting to shop: lack of confidence at work=need professional attire and body image issues. And also just being bored with life. Nothing fun coming up, no vacations or activities or anything planned=buy new clothes for the thrill of fun shiny packages arriving.

This holds true for lots of other areas in life. Where I subconsciously want to buy something to fix some underlying issue. Activities for the kids because I have this picture in my head of warm nurturing times  vs. the chaotic yelling that is going on now. A kitchen tool that'll motivate me to want to cook again. The workout gear or equipment to increase exercise. Etc...

Its totally stupid, but it happens. So having that brake on the spending with the super-low budget makes me stop and think and actually SEE what my brain is doing. And then if I still want it (THOSE BOOTS) I will buy them in January.

Part B: Sarah wrote about how unstructured time isn't always what its cracked up to be. I felt that last weekend, in a big way. As much as my kids are content to stay at home and play legos and puzzles and watch movies. I am NOT. Not when they still actually need me every 5 seconds (and those are the seconds they aren't hitting/fighting/shouting) its not relaxing, nor is it fun. On top of that, it was a weekend where I felt exhausted and unmotivated to actually get stuff done, so I couldn't even use that time in the house to knock off some long overdue tasks. Hence why I wanted to plan more for this weekend. I'm also just hoping that I have more energy (this energy thing is elusive to me. Some days-weeks-months I have plenty and then I crash for weeks at a time, going to bed super early and still able to sleep in, just wanting to SIT instead of my usual on-the-go self).