Just finished a rough call weekend. It wasn't just the call that was rough, the kids were rough, I had 2 fights with my husband, L is sick and didn't sleep well, and I'm getting sick AGAIN. Even the most minor setbacks is throwing me off balance right now. I just wrote the strongest worded email I have ever written to someone who has completely failed to do their part in a major project. I have no patience for bullshit right now. I really need a drink. 6 more hours.
I've been thinking about the balance between acceptance and growth. I continuously challenge myself to be better in many aspects of life---something I believe is crucial to my happiness, because what is the point if I am not growing and learning? But I am also trying not to beat myself up for not always rising to the challenge. I'm sure there is something in there about the growth mindset and also about buddhism but I'm too tired to look into it right now.
On that note, I started reading "Mindset" last night & so far I am underwhelmed. Maybe because I already know the concept of the mindsets, and maybe because I've only read about about 15% of the book, but her "examples" are SO simplistic. CEO A has a fixed mindset and ran his company into the ground trying to appease Wall Street while CEO B has a growth mindset and said F you to Wall Street and now his company flourishes. Literally, there are at most 2 sentences about each "example"! There was a REALLY interesting paragraph about marriage between people with different Mindsets---I really really wanted to read more because that paragraph sounded really familiar. But that was it. A 4-sentence paragraph. Maybe she will expound on these in later chapters? The writing is also (as she admits!) a bit sloppy with grammar. Sort of like this blog, but I'm not getting paid for this ;)
Similar to the acceptance/growth juxtaposition is the issue of trying to be positive while still acknowledging that life sometimes sucks. Gwinne wrote about it here. For me, the key is to not lie to myself or whitewash the truth about the hard stuff but also not to let it get me into a spiral of doom "everything is awful, its only getting worse, I can't deal with this, how am I going to deal with this" that ramps up my anxiety and is also pretty miserable. Really making a point of noticing the good things (which I have to do while I'm doing my "3 good things" journal, and sometimes, man I have to dig DEEP to find three things to write!) is helpful in this regard. Once I've managed some perspective, I can actually take a step back, figure out what isn't working, and actually try to implement strategies to make things better.
That leads me to the insight I had this weekend that just like my children (and my husband) I find that when I start to behave badly it just goes downhill and its hard to reset. I do/say something I am not proud of, and now I feel shame, and then I get a negative reaction from someone, and then the shame builds and maybe anger joins in, and the next thing you know I'm lashing out again even though what I really really want to do is act differently and make things better. The absolute best thing is to remove myself from the situation but that isn't always possible. I need to figure out a way to reset my emotional state in these instances so I don't continue to be a terrible wife/mother!
I am taking B to a therapy appointment this evening. G took him last week, it was just background stuff, more him talking to her, no insight or recommendations coming from her. the timing is pretty bad----I don't miss as much work, but we will both be tired & hungry, and its all the way across town from work & home. This is where splurging on uber becomes worth it.
With the mindset book, you're probably good just reading the first couple of chapters because they are incredibly repetitive-- and the main points have been covered in other things you've read (like Nurtureshock maybe?). You might prefer reading her actual scholarly work, or you know, just the introduction. She's really an academic, not a popular author and probably should have paired up with a journalist.
ReplyDeleteRe: resetting emotions-- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has some good tricks. One that I got some use out of was putting a rubber band around my wrist and snapping it really hard saying, "Stop!" And... somehow that kinda worked to reset things. There's probably other stuff in that literature you can try too. (And... I seriously doubt you are a terrible wife and mother!)
Good luck!
I doubt it too!
DeleteI like the rubber band trick.
ooh thanks for mentioning the rubber band trick. I'll look into other, similar CBT methods (my therapist didn't have any last time I asked). No I'm not ALWAYS a terrible wife & mother, but...I have my moments.
DeleteSpiral of negativity is interesting....I probably have that too, but I hadn't really thought of it that way. Rubber bands...hmmm.
ReplyDeleteTry book Celestine Prophecy. It is helpful to understand why we behave the way we behave. Each one of us has their own drama, and we repeat our drama, thus making it harder to achieve emotional balance. Sorry to hear you kid is going to therapy.
ReplyDeleteI've been trying the 3 things gratitude list too (I have to write an article about it). I agree, some days it involves some deep digging. However, the upside of forcing myself to do it is that I often have a moment in the middle of the day where I go, hmm, what will I write on the list tonight? And if it's been a crappy day, I will figure out 3 things that might happen later that I will then engineer, in order to have something to write. So it's in theory a reflective exercise, but I find it more useful prospectively.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU GREAT MAN...
ReplyDeleteMy name is KARI, I have been in great bondage for almost 2 years suffering in the hands of a cheating husband, we were
happy and leaving well until he meant his old time girlfriend and he started dating her outside our marriage. Before you
knew it he stopped caring for his own family. It got to an extent, he was planning to get married to her and divorce me his
own wife, i have cried and reported him to his family but he never listened to anyone but to cut my story short i came in
search for a real spiritualist who could destroy their relationship and make him come back me and our 2 kids.
On my search i saw people given testimonies on how their marriages where restored by Dr Solo Wise. I pick his email
and narrated my story to him and he agreed to help me. After his work is done for me, on the third day my husband and the
girlfriend had a quarrel and he beat her up and he came home begging me and the kids and asking for forgiveness. He said
his eyes are clear now and he will never do anything to hurt his family again and promise to be a caring father and never
cheat again. I am so so happy that i did not loose him to the girl all appreciation goes to Dr Solo Wise for you are a
Great Man sent by God to help the people of this world. I have taste from the wonders of your help and i will continue to
tell of your good works. and to whom this may concern This is his email: drsolowisetemple@gmail.com
Facebook Page @: Temple Of The Wise
Dr Solo told me i could also contact him on many other problems including:
(1) if you always have bad dreams.
(2) You want to be promoted in your office.
(3) You want women/men to run after you.
(4) If you want a child.
(5) You want to be rich.
(6) You want to hold your husband/wife to be yours forever.
(7) If you need financial assistance.
(8) Herbal care
(9) If you are not able to satisfy your wife sex desire due to low erection.
(10) Problems with menstrual flow
(11) if you refused to be paid, people owing you?.
(12) solve a land issue and get it back.
(13) Did your family Denny you of your right?
(14) Cure of any kind of diseases or illness.
Contact him today and be sure of you happiness just has he did for me. Email: drsolowisetemple@gmail.com