Wow, you guys, those discussions in the comments of my last post were exactly why I write here. Thanks to everyone who shared their story, advice, and support. I can't even tell you how comforting and eye-opening it was to read through so many "me too" or "this is what worked for us" or even "well, my life is very different" comments.
Of course, the one downside to asking for relationship advice is that you are presenting only part of the story---your part. As much as I try to get inside my husband's head, I don't really know what he's thinking or feeling about various things. And most of us like subconsciously gloss over own faults in any given situation. I bet its sort of primitive protection mechanism, since we don't like feeling guilt or shame or remorse---much easier to see yourself as the wounded innocent party.
There are definitely things I need to work on myself that are negatively affecting our marriage. I am terrible at being direct about what's bothering me or what I need. Even when I try to be direct, its very round-about and unclear. I absolutely hate to rock the boat and have a primal fear of confrontation. I will avoid talking about something tricky for days to weeks because the thought of having a tough conversation makes my heart race and my stomach hurt and my brain just want to RUN AWAY. I know this isn't healthy, but its where I am right now.
I say that he doesn't get it when I ask for something from him, but I'm pretty sure there are some things he's asked for that I never did because...why? I didn't think they were important, seemed silly, so ignored & eventually forgot? Or I tried, once or twice, still didn't get it, and stopped. I still interrupt him when he's telling me a story, or let my thoughts wander when he's explaining something, and every once in a while, I find myself pulling out my phone & checking email at 9:30 pm when we are trying to hang out & chat.
When he gets home in the evening, I mean to give him a hug & kiss but almost always, at that moment, I am at the stove, hands dirty and the kids run in first and want me and the next thing I know its 15 minutes later and we haven't said a word to each other. And he ASKED me to do this. Or he tells me repeatedly that he loves movies and wants to share that with me and can we watch a movie together and I thought "how is watching a movie together really quality time? that's dumb" and went 2 years before finally giving in--and it made him so happy! I still don't get it, but I do it once every few months.
I can be wound up pretty tight. I get fixated on the time and the schedule and what needs to be done, and even though he always does his share of the chores and more, I get annoyed & snippy if he doesn't do them on my time line. I am terribly impatient. I get snappy when he's taking too long to do something or when I have to explain something again that I've already told him, or when he just isn't catching on as quickly as I'd like.
Sometimes I am so tired that all I do at night is fall asleep after the kids are in bed. I can do that for days/weeks at a time, and we never can hang out together. I don't feel lonely or isolated during those times, because...I'm sleeping. But on days that I have energy to hang out and he wants to do work or goes to bed early, I feel rejected. Sort of hypocritical?
I'm not trying to run myself down or make myself feel guilty, but just to remind myself that while I'm asking him to do more for me, there are plenty of things I can work on myself. Be the change you wish to see and all that.
I loved the comments on your last post, too! I keep going back to read more of them. And one thing that's fascinating to me is how different we all are from each other. Like your comment above about being too busy for a hug and kiss, or the commenter on your last post who found it weird to kiss her husband goodbye when he was sleeping. I am very insistent on both of those things ("didn't you forget something?") and also ending our phone conversations with "bisoux" (that's French for kisses). If I ever don't do these things, it's because I'm really mad. So if K doesn't do them, I assume he's mad, too. So interesting to read that other women find these things inconvenient or unnecessary!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I'm sure we all ignore things our spouses really want. Because they wouldn't be that important to us, we find it hard to imagine these things could be important to them. I'm going to be a little TMI here, but the one I have a hard time with is when my husband starts complaining about lack of sex. To me, it's like any other fun thing that I haven't done in awhile - it would be nice, but not the end of the world if I don't. But I try to remember that he's actually feeling unloved when he says this. It's a sticky issue because we are all taught (fortunately) that we should NEVER have sex if we don't want to, and yet I do love my husband and want him to feel loved, and I want him to do the things that make me happy, so I should try to do the things that make him happy... It's tough. And now I'm going off on a tangent. But basically, loving this discussion!
I've enjoyed the discussion as well.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is really into "what is the moral of the story?" when we read together at the moment. We were reading a story called "the three legged cat" about a three legged cat who wants to see the world but he lives with a respectable widow who doesn't like prowlers. In the story, through a mix-up the cat goes off to see the world as a substitute hat for her roving swagman brother while his "revolting moulting Russian hat" stays on the widows couch where she strokes it & loves it & says "It's true that he moults, but we all have our faults". A few years ago I adopted that line as a bit of a family motto but going into explaining it to a 5 year old the other night clarified a few more of my beliefs - like, you don't need to be perfect to be loved or happy, the world may not work out like you imagine but it can still be amazing & that what works for one person/family may not work for someone else - and that's ok!
there are a great many things in my relationship with my husband that are not perfect - some are my faults & some are his & some are the season of life. Remembering that helps on those frustrating days - because, there are definitely those days.
I love this so very very much! What a great motto!!
DeleteHey Ana, I'm a bit late to the discussion, but I just wanted to say that dragging my husband to therapy was useful for us because we finally got him to understand that it's not ok to roll his eyes at me, and he needs to act like he's listening even if he thinks what I'm saying is stupid (i.e. turning his back to me and commencing doing the dishes while I'm talking to him is not acceptable). I also had to acknowledge that his career is also very demanding, and that it's as hard for him to balance everything as it was for me while I was in PhD-land and doing med school since I was the flexible one who had to pick up the slack then. Things are still not perfect, but much, much better. I do think my being happier at work has helped a lot. Also, having an older child.
ReplyDeleteI would never ask my husband to read anything unless I was prepared to sit next to him and watch him do it (which I have done) because I know he would never do it. Love languages? I think he would roll his eyes internally, if not observably. But, maybe not a terrible idea. I feel this constant sense of guilt like.... with all the demands residency places on me, I'm lucky he puts up with me. Maybe that's not terribly healthy, but as a result I have made an active effort to be more clear with our family agenda (to do lists, how we spend our time, what I need him to do). He is terrible at communicating, so I have to always actively nag him to tell me what his plans are. I think it will always be that way, which is mildly annoying, but it is what it is.
So. For date afternoon. Have you considered hiring a babysitter and going out to a movie? We started doing that once a month or so about a year ago, and then afterwards we stop at a bar and have a drink, We usually walk home which facilitates talking. Or we go for a long walk. It might be less painful than sitting on the couch watching a movie with him. I can't even imagine sitting still that long anymore -- it must drive you crazy. And you might get some of the things you want on a date as well (exercise, fresh air, a relaxing beverage). Anyway, just a thought. I still struggle with fun ideas, but this is a fallback for us that usually works pretty well.
THANK YOU GREAT MAN...
DeleteMy name is KARI, I have been in great bondage for almost 2 years suffering in the hands of a cheating husband, we were
happy and leaving well until he meant his old time girlfriend and he started dating her outside our marriage. Before you
knew it he stopped caring for his own family. It got to an extent, he was planning to get married to her and divorce me his
own wife, i have cried and reported him to his family but he never listened to anyone but to cut my story short i came in
search for a real spiritualist who could destroy their relationship and make him come back me and our 2 kids.
On my search i saw people given testimonies on how their marriages where restored by Dr Solo Wise. I pick his email
and narrated my story to him and he agreed to help me. After his work is done for me, on the third day my husband and the
girlfriend had a quarrel and he beat her up and he came home begging me and the kids and asking for forgiveness. He said
his eyes are clear now and he will never do anything to hurt his family again and promise to be a caring father and never
cheat again. I am so so happy that i did not loose him to the girl all appreciation goes to Dr Solo Wise for you are a
Great Man sent by God to help the people of this world. I have taste from the wonders of your help and i will continue to
tell of your good works. and to whom this may concern This is his email: drsolowisetemple@gmail.com
Facebook Page @: Temple Of The Wise
Dr Solo told me i could also contact him on many other problems including:
(1) if you always have bad dreams.
(2) You want to be promoted in your office.
(3) You want women/men to run after you.
(4) If you want a child.
(5) You want to be rich.
(6) You want to hold your husband/wife to be yours forever.
(7) If you need financial assistance.
(8) Herbal care
(9) If you are not able to satisfy your wife sex desire due to low erection.
(10) Problems with menstrual flow
(11) if you refused to be paid, people owing you?.
(12) solve a land issue and get it back.
(13) Did your family Denny you of your right?
(14) Cure of any kind of diseases or illness.
Contact him today and be sure of you happiness just has he did for me. Email: drsolowisetemple@gmail.com
It's so funny, my husband also wants me to watch TV and movies with him and I ALSO think this is not a terribly productive way of BEING together. And we kind of suck at it, funnily enough because I want to actually TALK to him, and he just wants to watch. Also, my ADHD flairs TERRIBLY when I watch TV or movies, even stuff I REALLY want to watch, so I pick up my phone and scroll and it makes him crazy, so I try really hard not to and then I feel like I'm a kid in a fucking classroom and there are rules and I'll get in trouble if I break them, and then I think, I'M IN MY OWN FUCKING LIVING ROOM AND IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT, THE FUCK?! So yeah, the TV/movie as QT is a BIG source of contention between us. But the other thing is, I've TRIED, and continue trying, to watch TV inside the narrow parameters he sets for it to be enjoyable for him because I know it's important to him, and yet he still doesn't give me a kiss or hug most days, so... I'm not sure what the fuck that means.
ReplyDeleteBut I also know I'm not perfect, and I feel like I should write a post like this, if only to remind myself of all the shit I do that must bug the crap out of him. I'm sure I'm hard to live with, heck, I struggle living with me. It's good to remember the shit we are bringing to the table, because it stinks just like theirs does. ;)
Sorry for all the caps. This topic gets me all kind of fired up. ;)
DeleteIt sounds like you and I are pretty much the same person, only I am much harder on myself, saying that I have been an absolute, outright bitch to my husband in recent years. Just yesterday, though, we sat down to have a discussion about money. I had been dreading it, because I loathe all potentially difficult conversations, but I did it anyway. I was surprised that our conversation morphed into something altogether different than I had expected, and we both ended up in tears, admitting our shortcomings, and apologizing to each other a lot. I was shocked at my own ability to be direct and not get defensive when confronted with ugly truths about myself. We accomplished a lot, and I am hoping that this conversation set the stage for a brighter future. I only share because I struggle with being direct and open, too, but in this case, it paid off in a big way. Definitely something worth working on. :)
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU GREAT MAN...
ReplyDeleteMy name is KARI, I have been in great bondage for almost 2 years suffering in the hands of a cheating husband, we were
happy and leaving well until he meant his old time girlfriend and he started dating her outside our marriage. Before you
knew it he stopped caring for his own family. It got to an extent, he was planning to get married to her and divorce me his
own wife, i have cried and reported him to his family but he never listened to anyone but to cut my story short i came in
search for a real spiritualist who could destroy their relationship and make him come back me and our 2 kids.
On my search i saw people given testimonies on how their marriages where restored by Dr Solo Wise. I pick his email
and narrated my story to him and he agreed to help me. After his work is done for me, on the third day my husband and the
girlfriend had a quarrel and he beat her up and he came home begging me and the kids and asking for forgiveness. He said
his eyes are clear now and he will never do anything to hurt his family again and promise to be a caring father and never
cheat again. I am so so happy that i did not loose him to the girl all appreciation goes to Dr Solo Wise for you are a
Great Man sent by God to help the people of this world. I have taste from the wonders of your help and i will continue to
tell of your good works. and to whom this may concern This is his email: drsolowisetemple@gmail.com
Facebook Page @: Temple Of The Wise
Dr Solo told me i could also contact him on many other problems including:
(1) if you always have bad dreams.
(2) You want to be promoted in your office.
(3) You want women/men to run after you.
(4) If you want a child.
(5) You want to be rich.
(6) You want to hold your husband/wife to be yours forever.
(7) If you need financial assistance.
(8) Herbal care
(9) If you are not able to satisfy your wife sex desire due to low erection.
(10) Problems with menstrual flow
(11) if you refused to be paid, people owing you?.
(12) solve a land issue and get it back.
(13) Did your family Denny you of your right?
(14) Cure of any kind of diseases or illness.
Contact him today and be sure of you happiness just has he did for me. Email: drsolowisetemple@gmail.com