Getting there...

Its an up and down process, this mood/anxiety thing. I am looking forward to getting some ideas/help from the psychiatrist next week, since I've pretty much been doing it on my own the past few weeks. For me the anxiety effects are like a U shaped correlation---mild anxiety actually gets my butt in gear and gives me excess energy to work off, but past a certain point I am actually paralyzed, can't do anything, feel compelled to zone out and am completely exhausted. So, yeah, its swinging around these days. 

It's hard to explain to the non-anxious what it feels like.  Its not "worrying" really, its more of a "dread". About nothing. And everything. Its not just in my head, its my whole body that feels it---I get this feeling in my chest, and my tongue feels different...I know this is so weird. I can't just "stop thinking about it" because its in the background at a low level even when I'm trying to engage my mind and body elsewhere. The littlest things will then ramp it up...like any minor setback or even the thought of doing ANYTHING slightly stressful, like brushing L's teeth (he fights me, and it often ends up with yelling) or a heavy clinic day/challenging patient issue. Though once I'm in it, I'm totally fine. Obviously big stuff, like hearing about the news or family member's issues, can totally throw me off the rails.

Enough about that, I'll get it treated & under control and never again make the mistake of messing with a good thing! 

I had a goal of writing here 3 times/week, which I hit the first week, totally failed at last week, and this week...we shall see! I'm creating a list of topics to cover in the next few weeks, which will hopefully inspire consistency.  On deck for tomorrow: Books!