Has this ever happened to you? You buy some article of clothing...let's say its a dress. The dress looks amazing in the store. The color, the style...its perfect. You quickly try it on and glance in the mirror---its a gorgeous dress, indeed. You pay for it (considerably more than you would normally pay) and bring it home.
And then you put it on the next morning, and you realize that something is a bit...off. Its a little tight here, a little loose there. But still! Great dress! So you go on to work, confident that you look amazing. As the day wears on, however, you notice you are constantly tugging at it, straightening the hem, yanking up the neckline, adjusting the waist. You look in the mirror again---its weirdly creased, and perhaps a bit low cut. All day long you are self-conscious and distracted from whatever else is going on around you by constantly needing to adjust the (gorgeous! fabulous!) dress.
The next time you try it with a scarf. And then a belt. Different shoes. You take it up an inch. No matter how you tweak it though....something isn't right. But you just can't admit the truth---perhaps this dress, amazing as it is, is not the dress for you.
And that's how I'm feeling about my life these days. I'm tweaking, I'm adjusting, and yet I don't feel comfortable. And I can't quite pinpoint what the problem is, it just feels...off. I'm distracted from the here and now by trying to figure out how to make it better, when, honestly, it shouldn't be so hard, should it?
Maybe its time for a change? Or maybe its the rain, our (AGAIN for the love of god) leaking roof, and my achy sinuses, or the 10 lbs I've gained that make all my clothes too tight. I think I'm going to stop trying so hard and see how it goes.
I LOVE this analogy and I know just how you feel. I've felt just like this recently. I have every reason to be supremely happy and I am... Yet something just feels off. And I can't figure out how to make it better. Ugh. It sucks. It makes me feel ungrateful and, well, weird. Like something is wrong with me. I hope you figure out how to make it better. If I manage to I'll let you know.
ReplyDeletePregnancy was the epitome of this feeling for me---I just didn't feel myself, physically/emotionally/mentally. I wish I could've reveled in it, but I really felt like I was on the outside looking in...and not recognizing who I saw.
DeleteWhen do you feel happy ana? Try doing more of that thing.
ReplyDeletei.e. stop your existential bitching and do something about it, Ana ;) The thing is, I like existential bitching, but to keep it to a minimum in my life, I pour it all out on the blog, so my poor husband & friends are free of the navel-gazing.
Deletei don't have sage words of advice for you, but i do know what you mean.
ReplyDeletei do think that you are in a REALLY challenging phase now re: the age of your 2 children, and you may find that the dress fits wayyyy better in a few years when they are more independent.
It is hard when the things that are suppose to make us happy (that cute little dress) end up being a source of distraction and agitation. I agree with OMDG - gotta shed what isn't working and move on.
ReplyDeleteI've often noticed that I go through periods where everything is ostensibly fine but I am "off" somehow. Last year around this time, for example, I was feeling similarly uncomfortable in my own skin and not like "myself," but it shifted and changed a bit and I feel more like myself again (thankfully!). I've often wondered if everyone felt this, and actually I've found that reading blogs shows me that many of us do. Comforting to know we're not alone in these sorts of internal dialogues!
ReplyDeleteI suppose this post also makes me think that we, as adults, are not so different than young children. As parents, we learn to just wait out a child's difficult phases and enjoy the really fun ones, all the while knowing that they'll pass and a new phase will start. I wonder what it would be like to accept that as adults, we're the same. We go through phases and funks and "off" periods and they'll pass into other fun or lighthearted or peaceful phases without us doing much of anything at all to speed them along. I often think I'm past all that as an adult and assume that any off mood is my own fault or should be "fixed" immediately. But maybe there's nothing really wrong with having phases or seasons or periods where we're "off" (other than the discomfort of those phases, of course).
Go easy on yourself. This, too, shall pass.
Ooh what a great insight---about phases & funks just like our kids have. I absolutely believe you're right!
DeleteI definitely have that dress, and sometimes that life. It's frustrating to tweak and tweak and not feel happy with the result. My brother said something interesting recently--he and his wife "try things on" knowing they're doing it temporarily. Like, We're going to buy a new house! See how it feels for a month or two...Okay, no we're not! We're going to run a marathon! See how it feels...Yes, we are! I guess the difference is that it's deliberately an option, so if they change their minds, it's not failure, just the realization that it's not right for them. I think I like this approach because it allows one to keep trying but takes the pressure off.
ReplyDelete