Apathy

So I'm about 4 weeks into the SSRI and I feel...the same. The same constant anxiety and sadness, the difficulty breathing  because of the weight on my chest, the not caring about anything because what does it matter and what's the point anyways? For a while it was a relief, the not caring, but now I'm trying desperately to care. To get excited, or hopeful, or even curious about the outcome. To want more out of the day then simply making it through.

I was reading over old posts and I was struck by how many many things I wanted and strived for in my life. I miss the thrill of embarking on a new project and the satisfaction of seeing it through. I miss being excited about the possibilities held in a day, a weekend, a season. I feel so detached from everything these days. This weekend was, objectively, quite nice. But I didn't enjoy it at all. I know I am missing so much....and yet knowing this doesn't change how I feel and makes me even more sad and anxious!

I have an appointment with the therapist tomorrow and with the PMD to follow up on Friday. I don't know if I should increase the dose of the c3lexa, switch to another SSRI, switch classes of anti-depressants...I was really hoping this little pill was the answer but I guess I've got a longer road ahead of me.