Crawling out...

Obviously I never did get around to blogging during our trip. I think I forgot to mention that, in addition to me being alone with the two boys for the week at my parents, my sister and BIL dropped their kids off and went on a vacation. So really there were FOUR kids, 3 6-year-olds and a 4 year old. So it was chaos. But also a good way to get out of my own head for a bit. On the plus side: we went to the park and splash pads, I organized "Olympics", I did a 1000 piece puzzle with my mom, I read some mediocre books, we played Uno and Scrabble Junior, I got lots of cuddles. I also broke up lots of fights, untangled my niece's thick and long hair several times, gave baths to everyone in an assembly line fashion, dispenses 1000 snacks, dealt with picky eating and tantrums and "forgetting" to flush the toilet (why!).

So when the kids were settled down to the antics of their favorite monkey, I had no desire to "connect" or communicate, I just wanted to be alone and recuperate before it started again.

I picked up the benzos before the trip but never took them. One, I didn't really need it---the ramp-up anxiety was pretty much gone by the day we left. But also, I didn't know how it would affect me and I felt uncomfortable potentially being knocked out or loopy when I was solely responsible for the kids. But they are there if I need them. I upped the dose of the P@xil from 10 to 20 mg on Monday and I felt extremely tired all day (and wired at night) for a few days. I saw the psychiatrist yesterday who told me to take it at night---so I skipped it this morning and omg its been the most productive day I've had in WEEKS if not MONTHS. I've worked through a big backlog of stuff---no big thinking projects, unfortunately, but stuff that I've been putting off like student evals, patient phone calls, prepping for a course I'm taking that starts next week, submitting reimbursements, sending off lab letters to referring docs, etc... Also made doctor appointments for the kids, rescheduled my therapy & dentist appointments, signed B up for aftercare, updated my budget for next month, and donated $ to B's school fundraising drive. And its only 3PM!

I also have been feeling flashes (short-lived, but definitely there) of what seems a lot like contentment. That general feeling of being OK with life in the moment that I haven't felt in several months. I felt it last night, snuggling with the kids on the couch after we all came home exhausted our first day back into camp/work/daycare routine. And this morning, walking in to work after a sweet goodbye from my boys.

It faded quickly, and I started to feel the usual panic about all I have to do and discomfort with the uncertain parts of life. But it was THERE. It gave me hope.