I saw the therapist again, who thought maybe the apathy was worsened by the traz@done I'm taking for sleep, so I decided not to take it anymore and see how it goes (spoiler: I won't sleep and will be exhausted). She also thought I should be seeing some effect from the SSRI by now, and its probably a good idea to switch. I'm going to the PCP tomorrow so I'll get her opinion too.
I almost canceled the session, because I wasn't sure what to talk about. I just feel so blah. The first half of the session was her asking questions and me sighing, saying "I don't know", and "I don't really care". She looked at me quizzically, because I guess I didn't seem like myself, and asked how long I'd been feeling like this and so we went through the timeline of events, trying to figure out what might have triggered my mood shift this spring. She asked about possible medical stuff and traumatic experiences---nope. Then she asked about any "anniversaries, good or bad" and again, nope, except for turning 40.
"And how did you feel about that milestone?"
Well.... not that great, actually.
And we talked about that. About how starting this new decade also meant closing the door on a decade of tremendous growth and accomplishment, both personally and professionally. What is in store for the future? I don't know. I just can't get excited about it. I still feel wistful about the third child we'll never have. My kids are entering a new phase---which is AWESOME in so many ways---but I feel unready, and unsure of how to best use the space that's opened up in my life.
She thought maybe that was it. That I needed to figure out my purpose for the next 5-10 years, to give me something to strive for and anticipate rather than seeing the future as a string of unending days of the same struggles: work, difficult kids, marital troubles, loneliness.
I need to set aside some time to think about this, because I have no idea.
*hug*
ReplyDeleteHey you.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all this: "About how starting this new decade also meant closing the door on a decade of tremendous growth and accomplishment, both personally and professionally."
Also: "rather than seeing the future as a string of unending days of the same struggles: work, difficult kids, marital troubles, loneliness. " <-- THIS.
Sometimes I wonder if I spent too many years being depressed, and now my mental processes are skewed toward the "what's the point?" mentality. Like it's a deep groove that is so easy to fall back into.
I guess all that is to say, I understand how you are feeling (in my own way). I've been there so many times, for a huge portion of my life, and I know that mindset so well. In some ways it's like a warm blanket, comfortable and warm... or maybe just familiar.
Not sure what I'm trying to say except... I've been there. And I'm so sorry you're there now.