So I think I am finally back at my awful baseline, mood-wise. Sleep is total crap, however, which really really sucks after thinking I had FINALLY kicked the months of insomnia that ruined the first half of 2016. I didn't make it to the gym this morning and I HATE when that happens, it actually makes me angry that the stupid sleep issues ruin the one thing I do that really impacts my mental health positively!
I saw the psychiatrist today. She was nice. She discussed either changing the medication altogether to a whole different class or giving it more time. Considering I've just come out from the deep end, I'm going to give it more time with the c3lexa. She also prescribed tr@zadone for sleep, but warned me it would make me super drowsy in the morning and to try it on the weekend. OK then. Not super excited to try that anymore. The bad news is that she doesn't think that the low dose (10 mg) will do much for me---in her experience, anxiety doses need to be much higher (up to 40 mg), but since I had such a rough patch with initiation, she would give me a few more weeks to get used to 10 mg before going to 20 mg. She did NOT think short-acting benzos were a good idea, but offered hydroxyzine, which I declined (also sedating).
So I'm sort of back where I started, which is fine, but also frustrating, because I was really quite ready to feel better already! My feelings about any topic right now range from total apathy to abject dread. I can't get excited about anything, including the impending weekend, cooler weather, date night, etc... Everything is just...blah. I've meant to contact some friends and I just can't myself into it. I've picked up and put down a few books---just not grabbing my attention. Actually G & I were going to go out after the kids were in bed last night, to get a drink or just walk around, and I really didn't feel like it.
Ugh. Sorry this blog is a total bummer these days! If anyone is still reading, thanks for your support!
So the s-enantiomer of c3lexa was the one I did not tolerate well because of side-effects (dryness of mouth etc...I never thought this would bother me at all but it got really bad). I also did not find the mood to lighten up the same way as it did with fluoxetine.while I usually agree to try a different class of antidepressants if there is no response at all, I myself had a not so great experience with another class (dopminergic/noradrenergic angle) and then switched back to another SSRI that has really done the trick for me. Overall I am just here to send some encouraging thoughts-it is a hard and exhausting process, it sucks that often so much time needs to be spent before something works. Just know that there are many options and if you find a good match, life will be so good again. Much strength to you!
ReplyDeleteThanks Julia. She suggested effexor as another option and I wanted to wait and see what a few more weeks of Cel3xa would do for me. Yes, I'm realizing there is a long long road ahead of me potentially, since it takes weeks to see an effect, and then if there is no effect you have to try another drug and then ramp the dose up, etc...
DeleteVery tough stuff. Assume you have ruled out sleep apnea as part of insomnia???? (Brains with apnea happening learn it is undesirable to allow that nasty sleep thing to occur.) Hoping your meds begin to make a positive impact. Getting meds right is really hard, having them be wrong is awful. Fingers crossed you will now see improvements.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know that about apnea, but I'm certain I don't have it...
DeleteI think the fact that you're documenting all this is really brave - and might one day help someone else when they are going through a similar thing.
ReplyDeleteAnd it also means that you've got so many more people in your corner than you would realise!
I glad things have started to improve, just a little.
I hope it can be helpful to someone, I have found lots of comfort and connection in reading about others' experiences that are similar to mine. If nothing else than to feel like I'm not alone.
Deleteoh hey. i feel you on this issue. i have tried many many SSRIs and several other classes of medication until i found a combination that worked for me.
ReplyDeletei will put in a plug for buspar, it's supposedly effective for depression and anxiety and has given me a good balance between taking the edge off things with limited side effects - for me at least. it was most effective for anxiety.
lately i've been feeling ALL THE MEH, which apparently is depression (which i should have known having attended medical school, but apparently seeing it in yourself is a whole other ball game) and i added buproprion which has been helping a little as well.
good luck and know that eventually you can find a combination that will hopefully bring your some relief.
ALL THE MEH. YES! I think its depression too. Its like, meh, who cares, what's the point of life anyways?
Deletei was skeptical until i actually answered the screening questions on the PHQ-9 and was like, oops, this is legit.
Deleteit was hard for me to see it in myself, and probably hard to anyone else to notice because the symptoms i have are very internally/thought focused rather than outright failing to do things i need to.
your writing candidly about this will very likely help others in the future.
The thing I find interesting about these depression screening tools is that you only get a 1 if you feel these things less than 1/2 the time. If you answered "1" for every single item, that scores as "minimal symptoms," which I find VERY interesting. I.e. it's normal to feel like crap more than never, but less than 1/2 the time. As bad as I've felt at times, I don't think it's ever been for more than 1/2 the time. I personally found this quite eye opening for how debilitating depression is, and how very awful people who suffer from it must feel.
DeleteHere's another hug, and hoping you feel better soon. Curious how you feel the trazodone works for you. I also suffer from insomnia from time to time, and find the first generation antihistamines work great for me, with no residual sedation in the AM, in contrast to a lot of people I know, so I am inclined to take those sorts of warnings with the grain of salt. You never know how it will affect you until you try it.
Good luck! Too bad the weather still ended up being hotter than hell this weekend!
I'm glad you are putting all of this out here. I hope it is helping you to remember that it's the meds, and you will get back to feeling feelings on the positive end of he spectrum. I hate that you are feeling this way, but I hope that writing about it can help tide you over until you start to feel better.
ReplyDeleteOh Ana. The depression/anxiety road is such a rough one. I walked it for so, so many years. Most of my adult life, really. It took me a long time to try something that worked, and actually in the end it wasn't an SSRI that worked at all (most of them eventually made things worse or just weren't effective, I tried many of them and things in combination as well). I feel very lucky to have found something that does seem to make a positive difference in my life.
ReplyDeleteAs you know my sister has been having a really rough go of it with anxiety and depression. After having alarmingly bad reactions to a few different SSRIs she is seeing someone who did a blood panel and found that her copper levels were off the chart, along with some other irregularities in the extreme ranges. She is now on a specific supplement regimen that focuses on zinc and two different kinds of B6. It's supposed to take 2-3 months to be effective/produce results but she is feeling positive, I think mostly because this is a totally different avenue and the other one just wasn't productive for her at all. I'll let you know if she finds the treatment helpful. I'm not saying you should look into something like this, just trying to show that there can be alternate roads even if this one isn't what you're hoping it will be. I do hope you find something that works for you because that meh feeling can really start to fuck with you. I know. It's not good and it's exhausting to push through it, especially with the way our lives play out today.
Sending hugs. I wish I were around to hang out.
Zoloft is what worked for me (after trying 5? Others). I found Effexor to be quite awful it made me aggressive and gave me a weird breathing tic. It's amazing how individuals react differently to the same medications.
ReplyDeleteJust a random stranger who regularly reads and appreciates your blog and is sending good thoughts from the West Coast! My family has walked some of this road and it is Not Fun. But the low point will not last!
ReplyDeleteHang in there! You are so brave for documenting it. Have you read any of the research on ketamine having an immediate effect on depression? Is there any way your doctor would give you some (presumably off-label)?
ReplyDeleteGood luck! I remember the year when #2 on the blog was first trying to get her meds right. This was when Prozac was brand new, and iirc it was the first that was worth it. Technology has come so far (she's now on lexapro) since then, but it still isn't immediate or easy.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you got hooked up with the psychiatrist. It does make a difference.
Not sure if c3 is the same as lex.apro, but 10 mg was enough for me.
ReplyDeleteI would try the traz. Everyone is different, but I never felt drowsy/groggy in the am, ever. I was on it for 6+ mo, twice. You feel drowsy about an hour after you take it, you sleep well, wake up fine. It's not addictive/no side effects to wean, so you can always try it once or twice and if you hate it stop. Seriously, I've tried Tylenol pm before (not for anxiety) and whereas THAT made me groggy in the am, traz did not. I was on 50 or 75 mg usually. Also I was on traz with a young infant (both times) e.g. Lot of wake ups, and no problem getting up (unless it was shortly after I went to sleep for the night).
Insomnia is the worst! I had insomnia for quite some time and I feel like it ruined my life during that time! My mood was awful, I was so tired, and my body suffered! I applaud anyone who can find a way out of experiencing insomnia. I wish you all the best and I hope you can figure out a way to get a good night's sleep!
ReplyDelete