The Valley

So what the doctor did NOT warn me about is that for the first few weeks, SSRIs can really exacerbate anxiety. A LOT. To the point where many psychiatrists also prescribe quick-acting anxiolytics to get you through that hump before the anxiety starts to fade.

I found myself searching "SSRI worse anxiety" on Sunday morning and found out that this adverse effect is very common. Which is good to know, but does nothing to actually help me deal with it. I feel panicky, its hard to eat, I'm having horrific headaches and everything seems overwhelming and awful and I just want to sleep in my air conditioned bedroom all day and not deal with anyone.

Its hard to believe this is actually supposed to HELP me. I've never felt worse! Yet, I'm just supposed to wait it out and theoretically will feel better in a few weeks.

I saw my therapist on Saturday afternoon, before this started. We talked a lot about support systems, and how I don't have a great one. G is just not the support I need for this. He is supportive about the fact that I am treating my anxiety with medication & therapy, and he is giving me the time & space to do so (no small feat---he's taken over more household chores and did a lot of stuff with the kids Saturday). But he doesn't seem very empathetic about it---very matter of fact, like "you do what you need to do, this is important". Like I'm sort of on my own. I'm sure this is partially my fault, as I've been in the past very reluctant to talk openly about what I'm feeling and maybe he's trying to respect that? In any case, I'm not up to the task of "discussing" this with him...not right now. I feel too shaky at baseline, I'm not planning to invite conflict into my life willingly!

She asked if I had friends that I could talk to about the "day to day stuff" and I had to say "no". I just don't have local friends I talk to regularly at the moment. I imagine it WOULD help, if I had someone to talk to regularly, to vent & share & commiserate. It would be far better if that person was NOT my husband, not personally involved in any of the stressors of my life. She told me to "work on that". Ha! Like its so easy to just find some friends and become good enough friends that you can talk through the intimate details of your life!

Anyways. I don't have time to wallow, we have a busy week. A childhood friend I hadn't seen in years came last night and is staying until tomorrow morning---I'm going to duck out of work early to hang out with her some, since she has dinner plans with other friends tonight. I have to accompany B on a camp field trip to an amusement park tomorrow (the other option was just to take the day off and stay home with him because there is no regular camp...I'm wishing now that I took that option, honestly). MIL is coming on Saturday.

I just need to make it through. If I'd known about this, I don't think I'd have taken the medication, honestly.