Monday, July 18, 2016

The Valley

So what the doctor did NOT warn me about is that for the first few weeks, SSRIs can really exacerbate anxiety. A LOT. To the point where many psychiatrists also prescribe quick-acting anxiolytics to get you through that hump before the anxiety starts to fade.

I found myself searching "SSRI worse anxiety" on Sunday morning and found out that this adverse effect is very common. Which is good to know, but does nothing to actually help me deal with it. I feel panicky, its hard to eat, I'm having horrific headaches and everything seems overwhelming and awful and I just want to sleep in my air conditioned bedroom all day and not deal with anyone.

Its hard to believe this is actually supposed to HELP me. I've never felt worse! Yet, I'm just supposed to wait it out and theoretically will feel better in a few weeks.

I saw my therapist on Saturday afternoon, before this started. We talked a lot about support systems, and how I don't have a great one. G is just not the support I need for this. He is supportive about the fact that I am treating my anxiety with medication & therapy, and he is giving me the time & space to do so (no small feat---he's taken over more household chores and did a lot of stuff with the kids Saturday). But he doesn't seem very empathetic about it---very matter of fact, like "you do what you need to do, this is important". Like I'm sort of on my own. I'm sure this is partially my fault, as I've been in the past very reluctant to talk openly about what I'm feeling and maybe he's trying to respect that? In any case, I'm not up to the task of "discussing" this with him...not right now. I feel too shaky at baseline, I'm not planning to invite conflict into my life willingly!

She asked if I had friends that I could talk to about the "day to day stuff" and I had to say "no". I just don't have local friends I talk to regularly at the moment. I imagine it WOULD help, if I had someone to talk to regularly, to vent & share & commiserate. It would be far better if that person was NOT my husband, not personally involved in any of the stressors of my life. She told me to "work on that". Ha! Like its so easy to just find some friends and become good enough friends that you can talk through the intimate details of your life!

Anyways. I don't have time to wallow, we have a busy week. A childhood friend I hadn't seen in years came last night and is staying until tomorrow morning---I'm going to duck out of work early to hang out with her some, since she has dinner plans with other friends tonight. I have to accompany B on a camp field trip to an amusement park tomorrow (the other option was just to take the day off and stay home with him because there is no regular camp...I'm wishing now that I took that option, honestly). MIL is coming on Saturday.

I just need to make it through. If I'd known about this, I don't think I'd have taken the medication, honestly.

10 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you are eeling this way! It sounds awful! I'm sorry I didn't comment on your last post, either. I will.

    I hear you about the lack of support system, too. I have found that when j reach out, people are willing to listen & be that supoort. But we're not used to doing it, and it feels awkward to ask. At least you have those of us here (and you have my email & phone # too).

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    1. Thank! Its weird, I can be super open with certain people or about certain things but otherwise really private.

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  2. Oh gee, I had typed out and deleted a couple of anecdotes about GP not warning about side effects last week. I didn't want to increase your anxiety since your main worry was not getting the prescription to begin with. I'm sorry.

    Hang in there.

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    1. Yeah, I'm just annoyed she didn't warn me. I was expecting to not feel anything different for a few weeks and then, hopefully, better.

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  3. I also did not leave a side effects comment... that sucks. And, I know you know this, but a lot of people try 3-4 SSRIs begore they settle on one, because side effects. (Back when I was taking an SSRI they had me taper up the dose, too. Was your GP even paying ATTENTION????)

    I hope things improve soon, one way or another.

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    1. She started a low dose and planned to see how it went on that...blargh, I do not look forward to potentially doing this AGAIN with a new med.

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  4. i had this experience with Lex.apro. Took it for ppd which for me was more like anxiety. At first I felt depressed as in down, felt like I couldn't eat (rare for me). It DID go away though after about a week and I felt MUCH better. Weaning was easy for me also with no effects (did it very slowly over time).

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    1. I'm hoping it'll only take a week, but I've read its often more like 2 weeks. I can't eat either, and I feel sick.

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  5. How are you today? I also had a rough time with the side effects, and I was on such a low dose, it's not even like there was a great plan to titrate up. But you still have the appointment with the pysch? Can we support you through the interwebs?

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  6. I hope it gets better soon, Ana.

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