Several times in recent months I've experienced that old middle school feeling of being "left out". And damn if it doesn't still sting.
I don't want to go into all the details of all the incidents, but basically I found out that friends, old and new, had done something big (a trip, a party) without me. I thought I'd be over it by this age, but it really hurt, and took me a long time to get over.
As I try to integrate myself better into the community---joining the PTA, going to neighborhood events, lingering at drop off to TALK to people...I realize that they are all already friends. They are hanging out with their families or at girl's nights, their kids have play dates and sleepovers, there is a whole social scene I had no idea existed. I had no idea we were so uniquely isolated. I feel my old social anxiety resurfacing---what do these women make of my sudden insertion into their clique? Do they talk about me after I walk away (and they continue talking and walking together).
Its been years since I felt like I was really "part of the group"...any group. It is a great warm feeling to know you will ALWAYS be invited, you won't be an afterthought, you have a go-to bunch of people with whom to celebrate & commiserate. I certainly have friends, here and there, scattered throughout the city and country...and I appreciate those relationships. I try to meet my now-defunct book club ladies every couple of months, I text & email far-flung friends. Its not the same though.
Since he was 2, I've been telling B these stories I made up, about 3 little goldfish, George, Charlie and Suzie, who go to school together and hang out together and get into absurd adventures and misfortunes. The other day I was telling him one in which the 3 were hanging out together on a holiday. He looked up at me and said "I wish I had friends like that, that I could see everyday, and do things with", and I said "I know buddy, it seems like it'd be really cool, huh".
In these times the importance of being part of a community is emphasized. Anything that feels like exclusion and/or not being a full member of a group is an additional weight on a feeling of uncertainty. Wish I had advice but I don't.
ReplyDeleteMy son struggles a lot with feeling like he doesn't fit in. As an outsider, it's easy for me to see how much of this is his doing. I see him standing by himself, not inserting himself into situations. I want to shake him and say "these people like you! go talk to them!" But of course I can't. And it's not that easy to change. And some of it is me, too. Last year he had a best friend he was really close with. The mom would have J over in the afternoon, then have another friend sleep over, and see someone else on Sunday. For me, one playdate was enough for the weekend - sometimes more than enough! So she was contributing to her son's close friendships in a way that I wasn't.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I know of you, you seem like you may be the kind of person who holds back a bit. My sister actually said this when she met you, that you seemed reserved. I know I'm like that, and for the most part I've made my peace with the fact that I'm never going to have friends I talk to constantly and do everything with. It's just not who I am. It's hard to see my son going through that, though. And I have my sisters who I'm close with, which helps a lot.
So, I don't know what to say, except that just because you're not in the inner circle doesn't mean they don't like you. I tell myself that, like, every day. :)
I definitely hold back at first, but it doesn't take me long to open up, actually, once I've met someone a few times (or had a glass of wine!). I hope your sister didn't think I was being rude! I was tired and had a terrible headache.
DeleteI doubt they're talking about you after. Most people are too busy.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any advice-- I'm too introverted to want a regular social scene so I feel more relieved than left out these days. But... I guess if there are people that you like and want to spend more time with, you could initiate time spending with them.
Yeah, you are right. I know its the social anxiety. I guess I'm not as introverted as I thought I was. Now that some space has opened up in my life, with my kids being more self-sufficient, I really do crave more of a social life.
DeleteHaving a kid with major social issues makes me reluctant to reach out to organize things as a family/with the kids. I'd rather do things on my own with people I like, and I've been trying.
I'll probably crave more of a social life if/once DC2 becomes less overwhelming.
DeleteDC1 has a friend on the spectrum and his mom invites DC1 over about every other weekend and most holidays (I work with her husband and our kids both used to go to the same private school though they were in different grades). My DC1 is very easy going and so I think it works out pretty well with her son's social issues so DC1's a regular. (We do invite him over as well, but not as often.) Even ignoring DC1, she is always inviting someone over and seeing how it works out and the kids who work out get invited over more.
Obviously that's not the same as going out with grownups on your own, but maybe organizing things with the kids isn't outside of the realm of possibility, it just takes finding the right kids (and parents).
Or you can be like my sister who is attending 3 protests and 2 resistance organizing meetings this week. OMG, I admire her so much (me, I'm trying out the campus dems organization tonight and marching/protesting on Saturday in a nearby city... I'm working from home today because it's too many people).
I don't like CROWDS. I am contemplating the march here on saturday but crowds exhaust me/freak me out a little. I keep asking B if he wants a playdate with any of his schoolmates, but he only brings up the one kid whose parents (guardians?) I can't seem to be able to contact. It does take the right parents/kids. We are organizing a meet up with one of his friends from daycare, who is typical but has an older brother on the spectrum and the mom gets it and is also a really good resource for me to talk about this stuff. She is always happy to get together with us, but lives across town. Over here, people do more meet-ups and playdates at their house, since houses are teeny tiny!
DeleteI used to think of myself as an introvert. Now I identify as an extrovert with social anxiety, though (I think I mentioned this in my birthday party post). That label is a much better fit for me, and it helps me to make sense of my social habits.
DeleteI have actual diagnosed ochlophobia (which I did not work on with CBT because I was like, I no longer have to go to school dances, so when am I going to have this problem?). I'm doing it anyway, God help me.
DeleteWhen I protested the Iraq war in Boston it wasn't bad because I was able to find spaces between me and people around me. I'm assuming that I'll be able to stay on an edge of the march and escape out the side paths if I start having a panic attack. Usually I am able to do that in outdoor crowd situations. I can usually find corners of space too. It is much harder for me with indoor crowds which is why I can't go to rock concerts (movies, plays, opera etc. are no problem because everybody is orderly and mostly sitting down).
That's great about the friend from daycare! Last year we met at playgrounds a lot when we were in Paradise last year because apartments/houses were so small and playgrounds were so nice. Here houses are big and playgrounds are not so good.
Community is so hard - and as a child I always wanted to be part of one - my mom wasn't into groups and we moved a ton as a family so it never happened. As a parent, I've tried to ensure that I know some of the other parents - and in pre-school, found a group of parents who we really clicked with and kids who my daughter loves. We still get together every few months (daughter is 7) with many - and monthly with one family. In elementary school, I volunteer as a girl scout troop leader and that helps a lot in getting to know girls/families and building adult friendships. All baby steps. But the sting of hearing two college friends got together 30 minutes from where I live - and didn't think of me, still stings. Sneakers
ReplyDeleteYes, that sting. When a big group of women who were my closest friends in high school did a 40th birthday trip and I never knew. Or a gorup of local friends, who I invited to MY birthday outing, and then went to the party of another women, and then 2 months later, I find out another women had a big party at her house & I wasn't invited. I'm sure it wasn't intentional...but I totally would've gone! I really like her and that group of women.
DeleteI'm trying the baby steps. I joined the home-school association, and the neighborhood book group, and I go to volunteer for school/neighbhorhood stuff. We still occasionally get together with one of my 7-year old's daycare friends. And I'm sure we'll remain friends with my 5'year old's best friend, even though they will be at different schools next year.
Deletewell I already emailed you, but i agree embrace the baby steps! I say try the play/dinner thing -- kids running around + wine is actually a nice combination for bonding :) try to find families with 2 kids lined up with your kids' ages. that is definitely our strategy!
ReplyDeleteWell, you know how I feel about all of this.
ReplyDeleteI want community SO BAD. Well, I wanted it once. I think I'm wanting it less now, mostly because I'm realizing I'm never going to have it, at least not in the ways I've always wanted. I read about SHU's Sunday night dinners and wish so bad I could have something like that, but everyone here is so busy--people always have something else to do. Eventually I just stopped asking.
I've actually stopped trying so hard to be social. I was trying SO HARD for a few years and nothing came of it and now I just try not to care. Being off FB helped. A LOT. 8 months since I've been on and I do feel like I long for community less. Is that a bad thing? I'm not sure. But I think most of the time I'm more content for not pining after it. At least I am until something like yesterday happens...
I am a random person who accidentally stumbled on your blog a few weeks ago. Just wanted to say - so glad you posted this. This whole not-fitting-in thing and being left out - I feel like I should be too grown-up to care. And yet, it really gets to me, some days.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many of us, we should form our own club!
This post really struck a chord with me. I've seen this meme floating around about 'find your tribe' and my thought is always 'How"? ... I have many individual friends, but I am not part of a group. And the older I get I struggle with my oldest friendships that were based on proximity growing up, not necessarily similar interests.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find your own group of goldfish.
The thing that struck me was that there will probably be people included in that group who feel on the edges of it, who feel a little left out even when with the others. Because that happens more than we realise.
ReplyDeleteIt takes time to break into a group though. Persevere. I wish you luck.
(Here from Mel's Round-Up)