I did make it to my clinic Saturday morning and saw patients for a few hours. And Sunday I was delusional and thought I was better so I dragged the kids to a children's theater show (we have season tickets). They didn't want to go, and it honestly wasn't that good and I was spent by the time we got home. There was more screen time for the kids than usual, and WAY more screen time for myself.
I managed to finish two books, both of which I hated, on Saturday (a book club book which was TERRIBLE and I'd been slowly reading for a couple weeks, and I started & finished Go Set a Watchman...snooze). So Sunday I did relax the Unplugged rules a bit and caught up on all your blog posts (and comments sections), plus I watched 2 episodes of Gilmore Girls when G took the boys swimming. I'm not one for just following rules without understanding the rationale behind them. I decided to do the challenge because I wanted to be more present with my family at home & more productive at work and to see if staying away from the instant gratification of constant clicking & scrolling could improve my focus. On a day when I was just lolling in bed and couldn't spend time with my family or do work and certainly was not able to truly focus, what was the point of staying off the internet? I know it sounds like an excuse, and maybe it is, but to me its more about "questioning" and ensuring there is logic and reason behind my actions.
I'm not feeling 100% today, either, but I'm on consult service & the thought of trying to arrange coverage on Monday morning sounded worse than trudging into work, so I'm here. But instead of dutifully writing my paper between rounding sessions, I've just spent a solid hour on the internet (oops). On the plus side, I had finally made all the BuyNothingProject drop off and pickups I had planned so I deleted the Facebook app from my phone! I plan to go back to my rules tomorrow (I'm assuming I'll feel better?)
What I've learned so far:
- I don't really miss anything (facebook, random blogs I sometimes read)
- it is hard to really comment on blogs (and keep up with comments threads in general) in 20 minutes
- I don't suddenly stop procrastinating; but my procrastination can actually be useful. For example, I spent a lot of time last week reading through a backlog of articles (clinical & research related) instead of working on my paper. Some of those articles helped inform clinical decision-making, and others led to some thought on new avenues for my research.
- It is really an ingrained habit to pull my phone out when waiting for the elevator or the light to change. I did it several times without even noticing what I was doing.
- Perfect really is the enemy of good. I was not perfect. But if I checked my phone 5 times instead of 10 times a day, THAT'S STILL A LOT BETTER. I'd be ecstatic about a 50% change in a parameter in my research, why do I expect 100% of myself and consider it failure otherwise? The old me would flog myself, declare "well, it didn't work, I can't do it. I give up" and go back to 10 times a day because fuck it. The new improved me is trying to see this as a success----a step in the right direction---in fact, something to feel GOOD about. Lets get to 5 times a day consisently now. Maybe in the future I'll try for 2, or even zero.
That's a lot better than what I do when I'm sick, which is stay in bed the entire time feeling sorry for myself.
ReplyDeleteI need to start doing more productive procrastination...
Good luck!
sorry this was confusing. I was not sick last week, which was when the productive procrastination happened. then I got sick, which is when the reading/blogs/gilmore girls happened.
DeleteNo, I got that. They're two separate comments.
Deleteaaahhh. I see!
DeleteI think it's great that you recognized that this is a time to bend the rules. I think it's a big part of what helps people stick to these resolutions in the long run.
ReplyDeleteFor me, Facebook provides a very real connection to people that is really essential when I'm home alone with kids. I'd never want to give it up. But there are definitely times when I'm clicking on it again and again, so close together that nothing has changed. It would be nice to substitute that with something else.
I sometimes need the social connection of facebook, too. But lately I've gotten into reading posts from complete strangers in some groups I belong to...and its really not a connection, just a distraction. Just like email, I also do the continuous checking cycle for no real reason.
DeleteI'm a moderator, so I'm with you on setting rules I'll actually stick with. I'm not going to stay off social media, but I can put down my phone from 6-7:15 p.m. at night. (I read it while putting the baby to bed -- a perfect time to read very frothy stuff).
ReplyDeleteI remember fondly the nursing days when I read through whole archives of favorite blogs!
DeleteSorry about the sickness! Sounds like you were able to recuperate a bit, and yes, if you can't veg out when you are sick - when can you?
ReplyDeleteI'm with N&M - I need more productive procrastination. Mine is decidedly non productive!
And after spending a lot of time in hospitals, so curious what your specialty is. Have you ever said or are you keeping it purposefully vague? In my mind it's GI - but no clue why!
When I made strict internet limits, there wasn't much else to procrastinate on!
DeleteI'm so sorry you're unwell. You accomplish a lot more sick than I ever do- I just stare at Netflix and feel completely justified in doing so!
ReplyDeleteBravo for taking steps towards giving up perfectionism. It really is the devil. An ongoing struggle for me, too.
do you know I had NO IDEA I had an ounce of perfectionism in me until very recently (brought up by my therapist). On the outside, you wouldn't think it...I'm OK with half-assed and hastily put together. I'm just super hard on myself when it comes to habits and things that I considered in the domain of "self control" or "willpower"...food, money, time-management, patience, even my own mood (BE HAPPY!!!!)
Deleteprogress is progress! and the increased awareness can only be good. Interesting that LV invokes being a moderator. I am too, actually, but an Upholder Mod and maybe she is more of a Questioner Mod. :) You definitely have that Questioner thing going on!
ReplyDelete