Despite having a really lovely day off yesterday (I went on a field trip to the aquarium with L, and then we picked B up from school and baked & decorated sugar cookies for hours), I'm feeling really blah today.
I worked from home in the morning and then met G downtown for a lunch we'd planned & rescheduled several times over the past 2 months. I had gotten a groupon to a sushi place that was near his work, thinking we could have a (cheap) lunch date. After multiple schedule snafus, today was the ONLY day in February before the groupon expired that we were both free at lunchtime. And then I realized, after we arrived, that the coupon is only valid Sunday-Thursday. AARGH.
Anyways, the food was delicious, but I felt overstuffed afterwards. Not used to carbs for lunch and certainly not in that quantity. Working has been slow this afternoon. And the blah isn't helping. Blah makes me WANT things. Like a pretty dress. Or 30 minutes scrolling mindless fluff.
I listened to the podcast Sarah mentioned in her post about pleasure. I won't link it because, honestly, it was mostly terrible. Lots of woo woo nonsense about empowering your uterus and curing all of life's ills by avoiding the devil's wheat protein. The gist of it was that you should fill your life with (non-sexual) pleasure. I hate the use of that word because it does, in current usage, have a decidedly sexual connotation. Why not use "enjoyment" or "treat"?
Anyways, in the context of the podcast, "pleasure" referred to activities or objects that delighted one or more of your physical senses. Something that brought you back to your body, out of your head. Smelling a candle, holding & smelling & tasting a mug of your favorite tea, feeling a cozy sweater on your body, "adorning yourself" with clothes & jewelry you love, tasting your favorite chocolate, listening to music, etc... I do like this idea---why the hell fill your life with things that delight you?
I can think of some reasons. No, I don't think its "selfish" to do things for yourself, as long as they fit in the values (& budget!) of your family. The guest actually addressed this apparently common misconception, by stating that doing things that recharge your batteries makes you more able to give your family/work/etc... your energy and skills. I agree with this on a practical level (because its true) but disagree somewhat with the principle (so the only reason I'm "allowed" to use nice-smelling bath products is so I can be a better mom?)
But it seemed more than a little precious the way they described this in action. One women (a mother of a toddler) talked about how she settles down in her comfiest chair with her special soft & cozy sweater on, a candle lit, her favorite (vegan, gluten-free) snacks at the ready, to read her favorite books for 2 hours. Seriously? I mean, I consider myself lucky if I can sneak off to the bathroom to read for 15 minutes on a Saturday but even if I had the time I am positive I wouldn't make such a PRODUCTION of it all. The other one told a story about switching from the aisle seat to her most favorite cacoon-y window seat so she could take off her shoes and put on her special travel socks (!!!) and nibble her snacks while she colored in her adult coloring book. I mean, to each their own, but, really? They talked about a perfect "pleasure date" of enjoying great "farm to table" local organic vegan (did they also say artisinal? maybe) food, walking around outside and enjoying nature, and then ending with some lovely tea (again with the tea).
And then I thought of how I would apply this to MY life and hit the major snag:
I $ucking hate tea. There I said it. I don't actually hate it, actually, its fine. I just don't LOVE IT. In this podcast and every single article I've ever read directed to women about "treats" or "joy" or "pleasure" or "self care" there is much waxing rhapsodic about the wonder and delight to be found in a mug of tea. Tea is fine. I drink it. Sometimes it smells good. Its great for keeping hydrated when its freezing and I don't feel like drinking water. I get it when I have to meet someone in a coffee shop because I don't drink coffee after 9 am, but I freaking resent spending $3 for it. I buy tea and have some of my favorite kind at both home & work and I drink it a couple times a week. But I just don't get that giddy tingly JOY from tea. (yes I've tried LOTS of different kind. my sister is a tea lover and has a "tea cabinet" in her home. I've tried it all. some is good). Nor do I get it from carob chips and figs (the FUCK? the woman kept going on about her damn figs)
I get that joy from a glass of wine. A hunk of cheese. A perfect gin martini. A slice of pizza. Dark dark chocolate with something unexpected in it, like chili pepper. Those things make me giddy. They thrill my senses. Sure, I love some healthier things---raspberries make me happy, and tangy clementines spark joy. I really look forward to my salad lunch---its delicious and satisfying. But overall? The things that bring me true pleasure aren't necessarily healthy. Moreover, consuming them is in direct contradiction to my goals and will prevent me from enjoying other things that give me pleasure.
Hence the paradox. I like my clothes fitting well and being able to wear flat-front dresses without constantly worrying I look pregnant. I like not feeling overstuffed and bloated, sleeping more soundly, having more energy. I can't just indulge my pleasure at every whim or I'll be decidedly unhealthy and that brings no one pleasure.
Non-consumable pleasures? Yes, I guess I can focus on those. Listen to music (WHEN???), admire the beauty of nature, wear comfy clothes...ooh yes, I'd love a cozy chunky-knit sweater...I wonder if they are having a winter sale, ooh and I've been wanting a really nice signature necklace to wear to work. oops. Nope, can't buy shiny sparkly new things either.
So how does this actually work for real people in real life? I guess everyone really loves tea.
Now how do I convince myself that happiness is at the bottom of a mug of early grey and not a glass of Malbec?
Have you found healthy frugal ways to bring "pleasure" into your life? Do you LOVE tea?
I've only gotten halfway through this post, but in the middle of it, I had to say. These women have too much @#$3ing free time.
ReplyDeleteokok, they don't *really* have too much free time I'm sure and more power to them for living happy mindful lives etc. But if that were me in that situation with the production I would definitely think I had too much @#43ing free time and I was misusing it (when I could be reading a novel or, you know, having sex with my husband) instead of @#$ing setting things up to muddle my senses.
ok, back to reading the rest of the post (sorry for the early comment)
its not just the time...I certainly have found the time to read quite a bit in the past few years, I read 50 books last year. Its just the weird amount of effort makes it all seem very inauthentic (see my reply to slowmamma below)
DeleteOk, finished the rest of the post. We have remarkably similar food likes and dislikes. :) Though I have a sweet tooth when it comes to alcohol.
ReplyDeleteHow does it work in real life? I think most of us find our own level of moderation (or something less than moderation). We also probably get on hedonic treadmills too often.
Also: Carob chips are an abomination. I remember feeling deeply betrayed when those were in back in the early 80s and my mom would get them thinking they were healthier than chocolate(!) Thank goodness we know better now. Ugh.
so, every good rant needs some embellishment. I'm not sure they actually said carob chips. It just...flowed better. I think it was "gluten free fair trade single bean dark chocolate"
DeleteI think that your irritation is well placed. But I disagree with N&M about those women having too much free time. I think that it's ALL about the time. The beauty of a "cup of tea" is not, I suspect, in the aroma or taste or whatver but rather in the ability to stop doing stuff and sit for the time it takes to consume it - ideally by yourself or with someone who's company you enjoy.
ReplyDeleteOver and over again we are lured into confusing consumption with quality time. And the truth is that time is generally much harder to come by than some tea and a paleo muffin or a bowl of carob-covered monkey dung or whatever. And, I would argue, that too many vegan artisinal meals and soft sweaters risk leading people down the road of less time - not more.
As far as how to find that time? Especially when you have a real job and young kids? THAT's a hard one.
slowmamma
I don't *actually* think they have too much free time. I think if I were doing stuff like that, it would only be because I had too much free time. Because there's a hell of a lot of stuff I would much rather do before doing the mindful stuff they're suggesting. *Including Work* They just have way different preferences than I do.
DeleteI'm an economist. I don't actually believe anybody has too much time unless they're constrained (say, stuck in a yellow room because of beliefs about women's fragile brains). They're just making different choices. And their idea of a fun use of free time is very different than mine would be. I get enjoyment from productivity and prefer to spend my non-productive time in ways that require less set-up.
@slowmamma: yes, this definitely struck me, as well. OK, lets spend a lot of money convincing ourselves we are relaxed and happy. Why not just relax & be happy, no special props or set up required?
DeleteThe elaborate nature of what they were describing also seemed more like they were trying to convince themselves that this was a pleasurable activity. I am enjoying this dammit! Can't you see my soothing dim light and smell my light vanilla candle and feel the 100% cashmere throw?
I can completely enjoy reading a good book even if I'm perched on the cold edge of the bathtub freezing my ass off and breathing in chemicals because I'm waiting for my boxed hair color to dye my greys (true story).
I have a lot of thoughts. And not much brain power left.
ReplyDelete1. Your description of the 'precious' nature of all this. Exactly why I HATE the term 'self-care' even if I believe in the general concept. There's something gratuitous and slightly obnoxious about it.
2. I'm coming up with more adjectives. Smug and sanctimonious also come to mind.... do these women REALLY prefer healthy vegan treats to something delectable? Or is it just part of the narrative?
3. So while I do like tea (and coffee) and, yeah, find them 'pleasurable' or something, give me a hunk of chocolate any day. There's a reason they're "guilty" pleasures. But I hear you also on too much of them results in a not good feeling (me with a glass of wine followed by a migraine...which takes the pleasure away).
4. Perhaps there's a narrative of moderation here, too. Like, right now I'm listening to Lena Dunham's memoir in the car. It's a small thing that makes my ride (without kids) more enjoyable. It's worth me paying attention to that. But also not me spending 2 hrs reading a novel while my children watch TV... nor would it be a 'waste' of my time NOT to listen to Dunham. Not every minute needs to be filled.
I definitely think its part of the narrative. there were 2 full podcasts on this topic and never once did anyone mention anything "pleasurable" that isn't perfectly healthy. No mention of wine, or pizza, or trash TV? Come on! Ummm. wine, pizza and Gilmore Girls sounds like something I need to make happen soon.
Delete1) I feel the same way you do about tea. I DO think reading for 2hrs sounds really nice but tea . . meh.
ReplyDelete2) I hope that no one thinks I am like, 100% endorsing that podcast (especially the hormonal O*$&@U!). It just was thought provoking and made me think about pleasure and how while I am not going to have hours to fill with the pleasurable activities discussed by those ladies (who DO probably have more "free time" than either of us) I could be more conscious of the things in my life that are, to me, pleasurable.
3) Like coffee. Or wine which I am about to drink as soon as I finish 4 more charts. UGH. This week has been insane work wise and I am pissed that with the Unplugged Time going UnSpent Online I am this behind . . .
re: #2, I certainly didn't think so! And I actually listened to both episodes the whole way through---it was really good food for thought despite the nonsense. I completely agree that its a wonderful idea to make sure you have the things you enjoy in life, but I prefer it to be simpler. It was the "big production" they made that was so off-putting.
DeleteI'm not super fond of tea, but I do drink green, white and rooibos tea for the health benefits. That being said, I love the ritual that goes along with my tea- I typically have a square of dark chocolate (salted or with chili- I'm totally with you on that one), and curl up on the couch with a good book and a comfy blanket. It's definitely NOT all about the tea.
ReplyDeleteBut I don't do this for two hours. Hell- I can't remember the last time I had a spare two hours to do anything I want to do. I try to squeeze in 30 minutes of 'me time' when my daughter is in school and I have the day off work, and all the chores are done. Some days it works out, some days it doesn't.
Carob chips are just all sorts of wrong. Figs, I don't mind, but they are most definitely not what comes to mind when I think 'pleasure.' For that, you and I have exactly the same taste.
well, yes, any ritual with good chocolate works for me (but really, the tea would dilute the pleasure for me. now wine. wine would enhance it).
DeleteLOL! I fuckin' hate tea as well! I am glad I am not the only one.
ReplyDeleteI am a die-hard coffee drinker and tea is not even in the same category for me. I drink tea as something to do in the evenings that will give my hands something to do that's not eating.
And dark chocolate, with nuts or mint or fruits or anything really -- all the way! (Although not now that I am on low-carb :-(
I am totally with you and with gwinne on the precious and smug tone in all these self-help books, with a big dollop of mommy guilt -- you gotta recharge so you can go be a better servant!
Ugh.
You sure write a great rant!
Dark chocolate can be low carb? right? thanks, its good to have a talent.
DeleteI love this post. And these comments. I don't love typing on my phone though so I'll keep this brief. Tea is meh. The ritual is more enjoyable than actually consuming it, which is probably why I end up dumping half of it, cold, down the drain at the end of the night. I so rarely actually finish a cup of tea.
ReplyDeleteI hate these kind of self-help narratives for all the reasons everyone else (and you) mentioned. Also, there are few things that chafe me more than when someone is always mentioning that everything they bake/eat/enjoy is vegan and/or gluten free?! Why the constant qualifying?! WE DON'T CARE. I have seriously stopped reading blogs over this.
seriously. its like that joke about "a vegan and cross-fitter walked into the bar" "we know this because they told everyone within 1 minute" (obviously its actually funnier in the actual telling)
DeleteI really don't like tea either (we only have it in the house because our au pairs seem to like it), but I do appreciate the sentiment. Personally, I find listening to music really relaxing, reading -- even studying sometimes probably because it makes me feel more on top of things! Sitting at swimming or at the park and watching my child play. Having a cup of coffee in the morning and eating breakfast with my husband or daughter. I do love wine, but it messes up my sleep so I'm trying to avoid it. Plus I don't like the dry throat feeling I get after drinking it. Blogging relaxes me. Reading non-troll comments. Feeling like part of a community.
ReplyDeleteI actually do appreciate the sentiment, too. Your list is great, I like all those things also. Honestly, I've tried NOT drinking wine and I felt the same (and my sleep was still crappy, after 2 weeks of abstaining), so my sleep issues are not due to wine
DeleteThank goodness! You are lucky. I wish I could drink more wine.
DeleteUpdate: Given my current chest congestion, my new favorite drink is a hot toddy. Which is essentially spiked tea. It is proving me with a ton of pleasure right now.
ReplyDeleteYep - great rant. Love it.
ReplyDeleteAnd the most recent truly delicious chocolate I ate was chocolate salted caramel popcorn slab. It was amazing and I am not allowed to buy it because I had no self control when it was in the house.
yummy
DeleteThese tea comments are cracking me up! What IS it about tea that makes it the quintessential relaxation beverage? I personally like it, but j see what you mean.
ReplyDeleteIt also strikes me that all of these pleasure things would really only be helpful if all you're missing in life are small bits of pleasure. Like, you're basically happy with your work, your house, your family. Lately I've been thinking j need larger changes. That said, I just bought goat cheese at the supermarket, and it'll probably make me happy all week. Not for 2 hours at a time, though.
yes, you are right. these are just ways to improve the ordinary days when things are overall pretty good. If you really hate your job or have marital troubles, drinking tea isn't really going to make a dent
DeleteI've started drinking a mug of berry-flavored tea around 3:30/4 in the afternoon most weekdays. I'd prefer a glass of wine but it seems a bit early to start.
ReplyDeleteI realized that I don't like pedicures, so that's right out as a treat. I do, however, subscribe to a ton of magazines. They're pretty cheap as indulgences go.
I like pedicures ok, but the nice place near me is always so crowded on weekends, and that stresses me out, so I just paint my nails at home (and I really enjoy having painted toenails in the warm months).
DeleteI don't like professional massages. I know. I just don't.
magazines are a good one. I got tired of real simple, i'll have to see what else is out there.
Ha, your rants are the best. I do love tea, but it has to be prepared properly. Receiving a cup of hot-ish water and a teabag on the side is an abomination. So my only tip to see if you actually do like tea, is to get a nice strong variety (Trader Joe's has a lovely spiced chai one at the moment), and only use BOILING water (it has to have been bubbling right before you pour over your teabag), then brew for a few minutes. Aaaaaah Lovely. I do draw a distinction between "real" tea (black, strong) and "other" tea (anything herbal or fruity), and the black tea is the one that serves a physiological need (mostly caffeine), while the others are nice to stay warm and distract me from eating/drinking something bad for me, but are far less effective.
ReplyDeleteI do like little rituals to experience small moments of pleasure, but definitely only for brief periods. It's a form of mindfulness for me, like watching steam curl out of the kettle (and warming my hands over it) while waiting to boil water for tea, the first sip of coffee (that Ally McBeal episode where Ally teaches Georgia how to drink coffee!), warm sun on my face, coming into the warmth after being out in the cold/rain... ok, I see these are all temperature-related - apparently I just enjoy not being cold! Hmmm, I enjoy when I feel productive and on-top of things, so cleaning the kitchen or bathroom, tidying my desk at work, and checking things off to-do lists is disproportionately satisfying. That's probably horribly utilitarian though; nobody will buy my "spark joy with a sparkling toilet" philosophy of self-care.
I've tried the "proper" tea methods (I have a kettle and I boil the water at home), and still, meh. better, definitely, but meh.
DeleteI like the concept of short rituals as a form of mindfulness. I also agree that productivity and putting things in order/cleanliness is awfully joy-sparking! Honestly, I'd rather fold the laundry and get it put away than light a candle and smell it or whatever when I have 20 minutes!
It could be worse- I don't feel relaxed by tea or wine!!
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