Monday Monday

This weekend was...ok. I started feeling a bit "meh" on Saturday. It was the first weekend in a long time that I started, in the morning, counting down the hours until bedtime. That is never a good sign.

After the gym (for me) and swimming, we stayed home the rest of the day; a lot of it on my own while G ran errands, walked the dog, and generally tried to get away! B was more challenging than usual (which is pretty damn challenging to begin with), and I lost it with him by 10AM. We were all walking home from the gym, and he was complaining how much he hated his swimming class and he was cold and he wanted to go home and this and that and BORING and HATE and NOT FAIR and and and. Yes, it was really freaking cold, and I also really wanted to be home, but I couldn't GET home, because he literally just STOPPED WALKING and was standing, rooted to the spot, staring into nowhere. I know---I KNOW---that this is what he does when he's upset & overwhelmed & his (to quote "No Drama Discipline") his "upstairs brain" and his "downstairs brain" are completely disconnected. There is no use trying to reason with him that if he hurried up we could be warm & he could play. I tried consoling him, making it a game, making jokes, pretty much everything I could muster up despite the fact that I was freezing and starving. I finally said "What is WRONG with you?! COME ON!" and trying to push him along a little by grabbing his back. He turned or I missed or something, but I ended up smacking the back of his head, and he then looked at me with big teary eyes and quivering lips. Mother of the year.

Even on reflection, though, I can't think of how I could have best handled this. I mean, I know I didn't have to be physically rough, but how could I have resolved the situation before it got to that? He does not respond well to us picking him up and carrying him home (even if I could carry a 6 year old home after 60 minutes of strength training, and both of us wearing several layers of clothing). It was simply TOO COLD to just pull him aside and sit with him until he calmed down. I didn't even have anything on me to bribe him with. Sometimes I just don't think I'm up for the task of raising this child.

So, yeah, I was a bit bummed out Saturday. Sunday I went to the gym again (non-negotiable) and then took the boy to the children's museum (despite B's protests and 45 minutes of complaining). It was ridiculously crowded---the whole city had the same idea on the bitterly cold day, I guess. But we stayed for almost 5 hours. I did NOT lose it the whole time, though I very well could have. I was proud of myself.

G stayed home but unfortunately didn't get a moment to relax, there was so much to be done. Our washer broke on Saturday---full to the rim of water that we couldn't get to drain. So he had to empty it cup by cup into the small bucket we had, and take the bucket upstairs to the kitchen sink. And THEN take several loads of laundry to the laundramat to wash & dry them. We bought a new washer and dryer (total satisficing, we picked the highest rated one on Sweethome & bought it from the place with the earliest delivery), but the earliest we could get it delivered is next Thursday. 10 days away. Another weekend at the laundramat (which thankfully is only 2 doors down!).

When we got home, G & the boys watched a movie, and I cooked dinner and had some wine in the lovely lovely quiet. Then I had some more wine with dinner, and a little more hanging out with G after the kids were in bed. I stayed up too late, but regardless I got to work & had a productive morning. All my boys at are home and I'm here---this has been a common pattern the past few weeks.

But...and here it is...I'm still feeling meh. The snow is coming down outside (I think) but I can't see it from my window. I'm crossing things off my list, I've planned out the week. I'm finally not sick anymore.  I'm back to my healthy eating (did NOT over the weekend. Crackers, calzone, rice...lots of carbs). There isn't, however, anything FUN coming up I can look forward to---I need to plan something. And I need to remind myself to look harder for the bright spots. I know they are there, I just need to have the right eyes to see them.