I was going to say "plans" or "goals" but really I'm still mulling things over and trying to figure out the best way to move forward.
Our girls trip this weekend was a lot of fun---loads of talking and laughing and bonding---but there were a couple of low points, mostly related to my own issues around my body. I mentioned that I gained weight recently---in fact I've gained almost 15 lbs which is a LOT on my petite self especially since 99% of it is in my belly area (maybe 1% in my chest, my bras aren't loose anymore). Not only can I not fit into my new clothes, I also can't button the pants from 2 sizes ago that I happened to keep around. I literally have one pair of black pants and 2 loose dresses that fit, that I wear on heavy rotation to work.
On that note, I had a difficult time packing for this trip, but I threw in a pair of baggy jeans from just after I had L. I could barely button them, and had to undo the button when I got in the car for the drive home because I couldn't breathe sitting down. I could not fit into my post-partum jeans!
I mentioned that the trip was planned around a one-mile race. Now, granted, I wasn't going 100%---it was rainy and slick and I did not want to eat the pavement! But. It was SO HARD to run fast for even a mile. I thought I was going to die, I felt heavy and jiggly, and my time ended up at 8:26. Which is...fine...but I really would've hoped that my pace for ONE MILE would be faster than my usual pace for 5Ks I do without training.
I have been doing loads of barre and weight training, but with my HIIT class on hiatus and it being way too hot to run all summer, I've done zero cardio. And it shows. All my friends, even those that also haven't run in months, had great times on their miles. I was incredibly motivated by my friend who has been training for the marathon and broke 7 minutes for a PR.
I was watching how the others were eating/drinking on this trip and they seemed to exert much more self-control. They said no to the second glass of wine, they stopped even with half the fries left on their plate (which I then proceeded to eat...), some didn't dig in to the shared dessert plate. I really need to make some changes to the way I approach food & alcohol if I want to maintain a healthy weight as I get even older. Portion control, stopping when I'm full (or even before), drinking considerably less or not at all (because calories & subsequent poor choices). I have to get rid of the scarcity mentality I have around food where every meal is like the last meal ever, and I have to eat and drink all the most delicious things that minute. Can I go out to dinner and focus on the atmosphere and conversation and just order something boring and healthy? I don't know how to change my mindset, but I gotta figure it out because this is not sustainable.
Also I'm excited to run again---the cool drizzly days this week are actually perfect and I'm planning to start with 3 mile runs at least twice a week and build from there. Maybe I need a race or some other goal to work toward, to keep my focus on fitness and far far away from indulgence.